If you’ve decided to enter into a relationship with someone, there are certain conversations you need to have to keep both parties happy and to keep your bond healthy and thriving. If you haven’t yet, set aside time to talk to your partner about these important things:
Status
This might take the most bravery of all, but it’s important because without it, the rest of this list is irrelevant. You must ask the question to yourself and to each other: Are you in a relationship or a situationship? Are you walking toward the alter or the “naw-lter?” *The “NAW-LTER” is where you act like you’re in a serious relationship (usually one of you actually thinks you are), but you’re actually going nowhere together. The city of Nowhere has a high population of duos in situationships. Tax season is a mess because one person always is under the false impression that the duo should be filing jointly. (This is not to say that every relationship has to end in marriage because marriage isn’t be the end goal for every couple, but you do need to know where you stand with each other.) Both parties need to be clear and on the same page, so be brave enough and honest enough to let the other person know where you stand.
Money
They say opposites attract, but when spendthrifts get with penny pinchers, it can become hostile. One of y’all is talking about, “Come on, let’s splurge on this Aston Martin! We deserve it!” The other is like, “Why would you buy this name-brand meat when the 99 cent store has a grocery section now?! Just frivolous!” Okay, I’m being extreme here, but it’s important to be upfront about spending habits. When you’re single, if you mess up your money, it’s on you to figure it out. When you’re in a relationship, if you mess up your money, your significant other might feel beholden to help you out of a mess they didn’t create. Be brave about your credit score, y’all. It might be ugly, but it’s a necessary conversation.
Religion
This conversation is needed to dispel any preconceived notions and set expectations. People might practice the same religion, but the manner in which they practice is different. Dating an orthodox Muslim is much different than dating a member of the NOI. That’s not to say that a Methodist couldn’t have a healthy relationship with an Atheist, but religion isn’t something to be swept under the rug or blatantly ignored. If you have children, religion is something that will come up. What happens when one of you wants to celebrate only Christmas and the other wants to celebrate only Kwanzaa? Have this discussion early and often.
Health
Okay, you really have to be brave on this one. Like religion, health is something that feels extremely personal but obviously affects your partner. If one of you has a chronic illness, is overweight, or just eats poorly and never works out, this is something to talk about together when you’re dreaming of that long life. It can also be uncomfortable if one of you has health insurance and one doesn’t. What if you’re in a terrible accident? Are you willing to be each other’s emergency contacts or decision makers? Are you organ donors? What are your blood types and allergies? It gets deep, but someone other than you needs to know this stuff, and it makes sense for it to be your partner. Let’s also not forget mental health. Your partner’s emotional state should be on your mind. Although mental health is still a taboo topic in the black community, relationships are a great way to get the conversation started on a consistent basis.
Fidelity (or lack thereof)
What are your expectations around fidelity? Don’t assume here. Without this discussion, one of you can be in a monogamous relationship while the other is in an open one. Just be brave and pull the band-aid off here. Once you get into this conversation, you might discover that your boundaries around this issue aren’t as concrete as you thought. You have to put scenarios out there. The other thing is that if one of you cheats, don’t hide it. Not only does infidelity have health implications, the longer you hide it from your partner, the worse it’ll be when it comes out. And it will come out. Speak up.
Family
Whether you like your relatives or not, I think we all have this innate sense of protection about any non-relatives speaking negatively on our bloodline. Look, I shouldn’t offer any to Aunt Clorifa because she’s a recovering addict, please give me that tidbit before we show up. I’m not saying you need to spill all of the family secrets, but talking about each other’s families (and the potential conversational landmines that inevitably await) is needed.
Politics
If you’re my partner, I want to know if you’re down with any of the nonsense happening in this current presidential election. If you are, that’s grounds for immediate dismissal. Seriously, though: with the political climate being what it is, every couple needs to put all their beliefs out there for the other to agree or disagree with. Get brave: Talk about that one time you skipped voting in the presidential election and why. Share those thoughts that everyone else calls a conspiracy theory. Not only will you learn something about your partner (and maybe get an education that you didn’t know you needed), you’ll grow closer together. After all, who doesn’t want to be woke together?
Personal goals
This is a good way to weed out negativity that might be sleeping next to you every night or discover support that you didn’t even know you had. If your goal is to become a botanist and your partner laughs at the fact that you work as a florist right now, you need to check that. If you tell your partner that you’d like to open a public health clinic one day and they start emailing you articles and links on all the laws around opening a non-profit business, they might be a keeper. Your relationship should be a safe space to hash out all of the things going on in your mind.
Careers
You might not want to hear about how your partner’s co-worker did something shady today at the job, but just know that, again, you are one safe space for the object of your affection. If you’re considering long-term partnership, you have to be brave enough to ask, “What are you going to do about it?” We always say that we’re in charge of our own destinies, but our partners are often co-piloting these planes, and your career crashing and burning wouldn’t be the best thing for anyone. If you’re considering a career change, that will affect your partner. If one of you is working long hours, that will affect the partnership. Careers are a big part of our lives and we have to talk about prioritization.
Non-mutual friends of the opposite sex
Okay, so you’re mad that some dude named @ballernamedray1985 keeps liking all of your girl’s pictures on Instagram. What you don’t know is that Ray is her childhood friend from the neighborhood who was by her side through her favorite aunt’s terminal illness. He’s not just some random guy trying to slide in her DMs. Questions will always trump assumptions and mitigate arguments. Obviously, the person you’re with had friends before they met you, so just ask the questions you need to ask. That’s part of getting to know each other.
Boundaries
Everybody has quirks and eccentricities, but no one is a mind reader. Why would you get upset with your partner for inviting you to lunch on Wednesdays when they didn’t know that Wednesday afternoons are your day to go to the park and read alone? Talking about boundaries, alone time and the like is really important in a relationship. Instead of throwing her pair of heels across the room when she leaves them in the living room for the 1000th time, take a moment to talk about how you’d prefer a certain level of tidiness in areas of the home where you might unexpectedly have guests. Now, before I go, remember there’s a difference between boundaries, omissions and lying. Setting boundaries is not an excuse to say, “Taking about my exes is off limits.” Remember that this is about creating a safe enough space in your relationship to have honest and brave conversations.
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