“The most basic human desire is to feel like you belong” – Simon Sinek
I have mastered to pin point precision the exact moment in conversation when genuine interest gives way to that glazed over, bored look. I know when to retreat into my handy bag of clever anecdotes and funny quips to keep the dialogue fresh. Although I have a pretty good handle on the rules of social engagement, the truth is, I’ve never really felt that I belonged. You would never would have known it by my high school and college collection of ‘Best Personality,’ ‘Most Friendly’ and ‘Miss Congeniality’ awards or the bevy of job evaluations earned in adulthood for my masterful people skills. Uncanny, really, that someone so socially adept could be so intrinsically reclusive.
The thing is, I do have a genuine interest in others and I think people pick up on that. I enjoy personalities and easily embrace, without judgement, all the wonderful eccentricities that make people unique. I have no problem allowing others to be who they are, but my struggle to coexist in my own authenticity is based on the presumption that my unconditional embrace will not be returned.
As a kid, while others ran wild at recess, I looked forward to wandering off on nature walks or sneaking in chapters of The Babysitters Club every chance I got. I learned early on that a 10-year-old with a pension for writing poetry and an obsession with Billie Holiday wasn’t quite normal. This lesson was continuously reaffirmed throughout the years as my every attempt to bring my whole self to the table was met with mostly good-natured mocking. This is not to say that I’ve never felt loved, I have. Just not fully accepted. So, I learned how to blend. I mastered the clichés, followed the trends and got good at engaging in banter on topics that didn’t necessarily interest me.
As skilled as I became at fitting in, it never felt authentic. Whether adding commentary on the relationship status of some reality star, co-signing the list of random offenses attributed to the unlucky target of obligatory group gossip or doing the absolute most to disguise my anxiety, there would always be a somber moment when I became painfully self-conscious of the fact that I didn’t fit in.
The feeling of not belonging can be lonely and even painful, but as I’ve gotten older, my level of concern for fitting in has significantly diminished. I realize now that had I felt comfortable at any juncture, I would have settled there. The discomfort of not belonging has continuously nudged me down my own unique path and customized a distinct lane all my own.
If, like me, you sometimes feel totally out of place, next time you are in the midst of one of those awkward moments of feeling completely alien to everyone and everything around you, take a deep breath and relax. Don’t try too hard. Remember, individuality is okay. If you can maintain who you are against the constant pressure to fit in, eventually your place will find you.
The transition into adulthood isn’t an easy one. Navigating relationships, managing workplace politics, hitting those milestones on schedule— don’t be fooled, no one knows what they’re doing. There will be all kinds of fumbles, blunders and awkward missteps along the way. If you’re constantly wondering to yourself, “Am I doing this right?” Welcome. This is just the place for you.
