When it comes to the topic of meat consumption, vegans and vegetarians can be among the most annoying people to chat with. Some act as if veganism and vegetarianism are the be-all, end-all of proper diets. I really don’t get why they’re so hell-bent on projecting their eating lifestyle on the meat-eating culture, when what we eat don’t make them s**t. They really need to fall back.
It’s not that meat eaters can’t appreciate the conscious eating and healthy alternatives herbivores suggest. I mean, I like asparagus, I dig brussels sprouts, and collard greens are the s**t. However, I’m just not here for the badgering, food shaming and yucking my yum. My vegan and vegetarian family members can be like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of that plant-based life, often overstepping boundaries and going too damn far at the most inopportune times. On numerous occasions, I’ve had to ask them politely to refrain from telling me how “immoral” it is to consume species with heads or parents — especially when I’m gazing into the eyes of a full-bodied red snapper. Seriously, there is no need to discuss how damaging red meat is to my colon while I’m punishing a juicy bacon burger.
First of all, a head of lettuce is a thing; a head of cabbage is, too. Secondly, plant life is not wholly sustained asexually. Pollination involves the interaction of male gamete (sperm) and female ovule (egg) interact — aka breeding — aka quasi-f**king among plants. Furthermore, when it’s time to murderize a braised rack of lamb, or blackened salmon or some baby back ribs, because in that moment I could give zero f**ks about vegans’ feelings — consider my moral compass is dead as my delicious meal.
And riddle me this: How can anyone committed to eating rabbit food shame the culinary magic of chicken, yet try their damnedest to replicate it with phantom food? Grilled cauliflower submerged in Buffalo sauce should not be considered as “vegan” Buffalo wings. It’s knock-off broccoli that’s been charred and drowned in sauce. Quite frankly, nary finger-licking chicken lover wants a rhododendron that’s masquerading as jerk chicken. If you ask me, it’s distorted and suggests that some vegans or vegetarians may actually crave meat-based meals over grass and shrubs. I believe they, too, know these imposter dishes ain’t really hitting on anything, which is OK. But what’s not OK is passing these meat-alternative dishes off as if they actually were meat. That practice needs to cease and desist.
Here are four classic meals have been shape-shifted into veg dishes, yet could never be great as their OG meat counterparts:
1. Unburgers
Trying to convince folks that a black bean burger is as delectable as an angus beef is straight foolery. No matter how you dress these patties up with seasoning, condiments or other toppings, this black bean mashup is dry and flat on the palate, much like a cardboard sandwich might be. Looks are deceiving — don’t be bamboozled.
2. "Spaghetti" and What-balls?
No lies — this is some bulls**t.
When stewed well and served as soup, lentils taste like a party in your mouth. But nothing is right about kneading and rolling lentils into a tight knot. Lentil balls should not be considered comparable to traditional meatballs; they are crusty as f**k, both literally and figuratively. Think running your tongue across a jute rug used as an outdoor welcome mat that people wipe their shitty shoes on. Spiralized zucchini is basically just green squash cut into thin strips for faux pasta dishes. But pasta, it is not; spaghetti it ain’t. What it is, though, is a cute attempt to recreate a traditional meal, however disrespectful it may be to the salivary glands.
3. Cauliflower Boudin
I saw this on Facebook. Cauliflower boudin that is Keto Friendly? Should I laugh before I cry and then laugh again? pic.twitter.com/ElNOQyZ62l— Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick) October 4, 2018
Blasphemous boudin has recently popped on the scene. Traditionally, this fine, southern delicacy is made with pork, rice, and occasionally other seafood like shrimp or crawfish — not cauliflower. While this keto variation is not vegan, it is a slap in the face to the state of Louisiana and its Cajun culture. Healthier maybe, but this keto hijacking of boudin is disrespectful nonetheless. And of course, veg fanatics have their own vegetarian and vegan adaptations, too, like vegan smoked beet boudin. Neither should have come to fruition.
4. Bogus Beef
We meat lovers question the weird science and alchemy that created this nonsense and vegan allegiance. First off — WTF is it? Whatever it is, it's processed and packaged, which debunks the idea vegans and vegetarians are living their best organic life. Clearly they aren’t.
With products like this, veganarians and vegetablists should not only forgo the culinary theatrics, but perhaps they should be more concerned about the hoodoo they themselves consume — or maybe just have a pork chop and chill.
