Friends are great, and everyone wants to show you why their friends are better than yours. But what do you do when that friend isn’t so great, and is instead changing up on you — and not in a good way? Is their new boyfriend taking up all their time? or did they meet a new friend and all of a sudden don’t have time for you anymore? Are they are just SO busy now? If you answered yes to any of these questions, keep reading.

Now before you come at me with “Entitled much?” or the “Ain’t nobody owe anyone sh-t” speech, hear me out. As friends, we have committed to this person. We are in a platonic relationship. What does that mean exactly? Well, that looks different to everyone, so the expectations are different. With that being said, like any relationship, a friendship requires WORK; hence where the job factor comes in.

Now lets say you meet someone and think to yourself “Hey, this person’s pretty cool.” Presto changeo, you’ve found yourself a friend. I’ll use myself as an example. When I make new friends and catch a vibe like “this person can definitely wear the title of friend,” I make my expectations known from the very beginning. I want my friend to be loyal, honest, trustworthy, affectionate or recognize the importance of affection to me, spend time with me, be reliable and not be flaky. I let people know. This is 2016, I am clear with what I want so there are no surprises. And you should be, too! But what if that friend is not doing their job?

CALL THEM OUT

Depending on your level of friendship and the sensitivity of your friend, you’ll need to adjust the way in which you deliver the message. After all, you want your friend to know they’re not doing what they signed up for when entering this friendship, but you also don’t want to hurt their feelings. Once you figure out what works for you CALL THEM O U T. If they’re really your friend, they’ll hear you out and reflect on what you’ve said. You need to be clear and provide examples of why you feel this way.

Nowadays, everyone is looking for those receipts, and your friend will be too. You’ve already said “we need to talk,” and nothing good ever comes after those four words. Your friend is already on the defense. There are many different ways to communicate how you feel while still being respectful (see examples here), you can either just cut to the chase, or you can tell them all the things you love about them to soften the blow. If you experience pushback, keep reading.

ALLOW FOR A COOL DOWN PERIOD

You just called them out. Be prepared for some pushback. Nobody likes getting called out on their ish. Stand firm. With that being said, in their eyes this came out of nowhere. Even though you high key gave them your expectations from the jump, this is likely still a shock to them. Trust me, it happens.

Give them time to digest what you’ve said. Give them some space.

FOLLOW UP

You don’t want your friendship to be over because of this. Your friend probably didn’t know they weren’t being the friend you needed, and that’s okay. Follow up with them; maybe go grab some Timmies, Starbucks, or IHop, depending on your geographical location. Talk about it over some yummy food and calming teas, or the latest Call of Duty. Kick it however you kick it. Now that they’ve had a moment to digest, ask them how they feel.

No it isn’t about them, it’s about you, but remember this is your friend, your day one, your partner-in-crime, and you want to make sure they’re okay. They will hopefully acknowledge how they’ve made you feel and firmly say they’ll do a better job. You’ll hug it out, give daps or you do nothing and move on.

Does this work for every friendship? No. Should you still let your friend know when they’re not being the friend you need? Hells yeah. Sometimes it’s something as simple as talking about it and moving forward. That’s what friends are for after all, to be there when you need them the most.

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LaTisha Blades

Writing since September 2016 · 1 story contributed