As a single 26-year-old New Yorker — especially as a black woman who’s constantly being propagated to believe that they need to settle for anyone and anything they can grab onto — friends and family seem to always offer up the same advice: “Do not settle!”

At first I thought they were absolutely right. I'd never settle. I would rather kiss a million frogs than to settle for less than what I deserve. Like many other women, I have my list of non-negotiables. He must have a decent job, no kids and be spiritual. I don’t ask for much. It’s not like I expect him to be a six-foot-two billionaire, dark knight in shining armor who picks me up from work on a stallion. No, nothing crazy like that. Although, admittedly, I have had some impossible ideals of what a partner is supposed to be. At one point, I believed a good partner would be my best friend, father, protector, attorney, mechanic, preacher and dentist. But it’s unfair to expect another human being to literally be your everything.

The reality is that no one is ever going to live up to the imaginary prince charming that we dream up. And if that’s the case, don’t we all eventually “settle” for someone?

I’ve come to the realization that settling is not as bad as it’s made out to be. For example, let’s take my best friend who is in a happy five-year relationship. She’s one of my biggest motivators who encourages me constantly not to settle. Now, looking at her relationship, there are a few reasons why someone would think she herself has settled. She has several degrees. He has none. Despite advising me to never settle for someone who hasn’t proposed after two years of dating, she’s been with her guy for five years, and he has yet to put a ring on it. Still, in spite of these shortcomings, she is very happy in her relationship. And I’m incredibly happy for her. But if she can be in a long term relationship with someone who is undoubtedly her soulmate, why should I be set up for a life of singledom, reaching for a perfect being who doesn’t exist? And she’s not the only one.

I have another best girlfriend who made me swear to never settle for a guy with kids, but she herself is in a happy long-term relationship with a great guy who loves her unconditionally, but has a child. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve had their share of baby momma drama, but have worked through it. It was, and continues to be, hard work, but don’t all relationships require hard work?

I took a hard look at all the happy relationships around me, and I realized one thing that we should all remember while dating: no relationship is perfect. None. I can go through all of my friends' spouses and list out reasons why I would never choose to be with their significant other (besides the fact that they’re claimed, and that’s just trifling). Still, they’re all happy.

Friends and family want the absolute best for me, and as a result, I’ve taken on their ideas of what’s best for my ideal partner. Yet, the reality is they’ve all settled. When you're single and amongst other strong females, you're convinced to not “settle” mainly because all of them probably have. Everyone at some point “settles” for love. If it turns out badly, they vow not to “settle” ever again. If it turns out great, then it's not necessarily viewed as “settling,” but compromising.

Happy relationships are all about compromising, but one must be careful not to overly compromise their own beliefs, values, morals, etc. And this remains the most difficult part of being in a relationship — understanding the balance between compromise without undermining your individualism.

My friends chose to compromise their list of demands, expectations and non-negotiables because, in spite of their partner’s shortcomings, they’re happy. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. They are perfectly content with the compromises they’ve made. They chose to settle when it didn’t feel like settling.

Settling should be thought of more like “settling down” instead of its usual connotation, that implies whomever you decide to settle with, or for, is in one way or another less than what you deserve. Settling is choosing to stay with someone and choosing to love them in light of their shortcomings. It also means ditching a scarcity mindset where you choose to stay with someone only because you think you can’t do any better. In this connected world of what feels like infinite possibilities, I’m sure everyone can find someone “better” than the person they're with. The key is to find someone who is willing to work with you to be the best version of his or herself, while you work on being the best version of you.

wiselenedorceus@yahoo.com

Writing since January 2018 · 1 story contributed