While my cousins can be great company, a couple of them are less than fun to be around. When I saw this hilarious Blavity video profiling five of my cousins, I just knew I had to rank them from least to most likely to have to catch that fade after the family gathering. Here we go!

5. The Hood Cousin (Ya Best Friend)

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No matter what, this cousin always has the hookup. DVDs? You got it. The hottest parties? You got it. The best carry out spots? Oh, you got it. They might've been a promoter for a hot minute, but it didn't work out. If you need to "get some ice" or "go for a walk", this is the cousin you're going with. They probably ate the corner piece of macaroni, but they're still alright with you.

4. The Bougie Cousin

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This cousin shows up late and looking bomb. You’re one of their 100k followers on Instagram and love to watch them stunt. They're one of your closest cousins, even though they might've made you send your birthday party invite to the "Booking Email" in their bio. They're also auntie's favorite because they’re doing “big things in college” — but the tea is they’re rocking a solid 2.0 GPA with an undecided major.

3. The Young Cousin

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Oh. my. gaaaahhhh. It doesn’t matter if they’re 3 or 13 — this cousin always wants to know if you have games or Snapchat on your phone, and you’re not giving them access to either. When they're not playing Candy Crush on their busted tablet, they're listening in on grown folks' conversations. Aunty makes them Whip, Nae Nae, and Juju on that Beat in front of the whole family — twice. You’ve probably seen them get a whooping before (and they definitely deserved it).

2. Church Cousin

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This cousin wouldn’t be too bad if they didn’t say a whole spoken word poem over the food before y’all eat. (You do not have to call roll in the middle of a prayer — Jesus already knows who's here.) They're a youth pastor in training and have a pair of bootcut jeans somewhere in their closet. They're also one of the only people that still pokes you on FB.

1. Hotep Cousin.

Photo: Giphy

This cousin thinks every problem can be solved by eating more whole grains, drinking more water, and opening your third eye. None of their sentences are complete without mention of “soul ties”, “wombyn”, and/or “galaxies” and there's always an ankh somewhere on their person. Don't sit next to them at the cookout unless you want to be reminded that you were all once Kings and Queens, and that your thighs once sat on thrones instead of Instagram feeds. And the downstairs toilet is WRECKEDT, thanks to their plant-based diet. They can ABSOLUTELY catch a swift chop to the neck.

Did you see any of your cousins in the Blavity video? Check out #IssaCousin on IG and Twitter to reminisce on some of the best moments from Blavity's Cousin's Day takeover.

Zharia O'Neal

Writing since July 2017 · 1 story contributed