As a 2012 Cuffing Season World Champion, I know a few things about getting chose. My jersey has been up in the rafters for three years now, but I spent my time in the league making smart investments and building my business relationships. Right now I’m on my Stephen A. Smith, but eventually I’m gonna get into coaching because, obvi, that’s where the bread is at. There are several game plans that I’ve been seeing yield great success over the past few seasons and I’ve taken some of the best plays from each and compiled them into a help aid for all you simps lost in the sauce. You’re welcome.

  1. All or None Social Media: Twitter is literally the place where most of us decide if you are cool or not. The same can be said for your choosability level, my G. The first thing a young queen will do after meeting you IRL is stalk tf out of you on every social platform available, but Twitter is def #1 on the list. If someone looks at your profile and your follow to follower ratio is not on point — you lost. If you’re using all 140 characters for misogynistic, creep life, @replies to rando IG models on the late night — you definitely lost. Your personal brand gotta be right. The only thing that potential bae will like more than your personal brand being icy on Twitter is if you don’t have one at all. But if you’re like me and cannot give up the fire memes and fake deep quotes, just avoid all convos that don’t require your input and tweet like you got some type respect for yourself (and others).
  2. No Flix Zone: Netflix & Chill is a go-to play right now for a lot of us. It’s quick, financially efficient, and, to be honest, the success rate is higher than Yeezus was at the VMAs. But do not pull this one out of the playbook until you clinch a playoff spot. If you run the Netflix & Chill too early in the season, yes, you might get a one off touchdown, but the likelihood of a repeat performance is low (plus, it seriously impairs the chances of building a strong dynasty). And not being cuffed is no longer as cool as it used to be. Hov and Kanye are married now, bro. Even Drake is tryna get wifed up. Take your booski on a real date, actually several real dates, that require time and effort. Even if you’re a broke boy, she will respect that work that you put in to impress her. There are plenty of opportunities down the road to get your N&C on.
  3. The Read Option: Everything is not for everybody. Sometimes a play-by-play analysis must be made. Get out on the field and develop your skills, bro. Getting to the goal is about reading the defense and making fast, smart decisions before you get eaten like a sack lunch in the backfield. You have to be ready to adapt to the situation at hand and, even more importantly, recognize when you are not the man for the job and it’s time to pitch the ball (Are you keeping up with me right now? I’m on a roll.). My point is, the right one is out there for you, and you will find them (most likely they’ll find you), but don’t force it. Take it one game at a time and play your best. It’ll all work out in the end.

Now that you are equipped, take this information and share it with your team. Hopefully, everyone on your squad can have a successful cuffing season this year. If you’re smh-ing all over this post right now, it’s because you’re forever alone. Leave a response if there’s any plays that you want to add or if you want to share a tale of cuffing season glory in your life. And recommend this post so that others can get cuffed also.

Ira Hobbs, II: 20-something, miracle man, content creator. From MD, living in ATL. Personal thoughts and fire memes. @spikehobbsjr.