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I've been dating since I was 17 years old and involved in serious relationships since I was about 19 years old. Every relationship I’d ever been in failed and I just knew it wasn't my fault. You could not convince me otherwise. I knew exactly what “they” did that caused our relationship to end. But the thing is, I was the common denominator in all of my failed relationships.

My last failed relationship, a few years ago, finally made me realize that my father loss had caused me to choose the wrong partners and sometimes self-sabotage with a man that I could’ve actually had a great relationship with. I had created a routine of being in mediocre relationships, working my butt off to prove I was worthy to be loved by trash men, getting fed up that my efforts did not change these men for the better, planning my exit and finally chucking the deuces.

The point is, I had a very valid reason for why each of my relationships didn't work and it was never my fault. In my subconscious mind I figured if I chose someone who wasn't right for me. When the relationship inevitably ended, I wouldn't feel the pain of abandonment. This was the only way I knew how to protect my heart. I knew all along that the relationship wouldn't last and they were just taking up space for what I really wanted. I wanted to experience real love and acceptance. The thought of being truly loved and accepted scared me to death. Why? Because I’d never really seen it growing up, I felt silly asking anyone about it and I didn’t know where to look for it myself.

I grew up not knowing my father. I didn't even know what he looked like. We had maybe one or two conversations a year, at best. Those phone calls weren't even consistent and barely lasted longer than 10 minutes. I met my father in my freshman year of college when he lived about 45 minutes away from my campus. Prior to that, he was only three and a half hours away from where I lived in Brooklyn, New York. He never drove down to see me — ever. Let that sink in. Imagine what it was like to grow up knowing that your father could have come to see you if he wanted to and just chose not to. I’m not sure what that would’ve done to you, but it ripped my self-esteem and self-worth to shreds. I always thought that in order for anyone to love me, I would have to work for it. I never felt chosen growing up, and I was willing to do whatever it took to feel that.

I routinely sacrificed my own happiness to make sure that my partner was happy. Whatever they needed me to do in a relationship, I could be convinced to do it. Especially if it meant they would be pleased with me afterward. Even when I was uncomfortable, I never said no. I always rationalize that if I said no, then somebody else would do it. And if somebody else would do it, what did they need me for? I never thought that there was anything valuable that I offered in a relationship besides what I was willing to do for them. If they knew that I was loyal to them, that they could count on me for whatever they needed, then they would finally love me the way I had always wanted to be loved. Right? Wrong.

What I didn't realize at the time was that this philosophy that I adopted in relationships was creating the dynamic that inevitably destroyed it. I was so focused on making sure that my partner had everything they needed in the relationship that I had neglected myself completely. In my mind, I felt that if my partner loved me, they would magically know what I needed. At least that's what I always saw happen in the movies. Well, when I realized that they weren't able to give me what I needed (because, you know, I never told them what it was), I knew it was time for the relationship to end.

Here’s my favorite part: I could play the victim because I had done so much for them and they had not returned a single thing. I was able to always be the one that looked good at the end of the relationship. I was presentation ready with all of the things that I did for them throughout the relationship. I would wax poetically about the fact that they never appreciated anything I did, never returned the favor or just didn't know what they had. Funny enough, when the relationship was over, they always suddenly realized how much of a catch I actually am.

I used to pride myself on being a woman that men always wanted to come back to. I would say to my friends proudly that my ex boyfriends always want to come back into a relationship with me. It has only recently dawned on me that the reason that they wanted to come back was because I made it very easy for them. There was absolutely no work involved with getting back into a relationship with me. Who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to do anything that was necessary to make them happy even to the detriment of themselves?

I only, in recent years, began to understand that not having relationship standards and allowing anything to go on in my relationship is the reason why men wanted to come back to me. There was nothing that they needed to step up to do. There was no changed behavior that needed to happen before I would take them back. Nothing they needed to prove. I made it too easy for them.

This cycle repeated itself in my relationships for a good 19 years. When I was around 35, I had a “come-to-jesus” moment about the whole thing. In realizing that I was the common denominator in all of my failed relationships, I needed to change myself. The first thing I did was identify my fear-based responses. Once I was able to do that, I got down to the root of why I operated this way. That happened after I discovered my father's story. Not the story everyone knows about why my father wasn’t around, but the one I told myself that shaped my personal narrative. It finally dawned on me that my fear of abandonment had caused me to subconsciously choose partners that were unavailable in some way — just as my father had always been. In my mind, if I knew that they would eventually leave or that I would have a reason to leave them, I would be able to prepare myself emotionally for their exit.

I never wanted to be in a situation where I was being loved correctly and feeling like this is what I always wanted and then the rug gets ripped from underneath me if that relationship ended. That would not have been a pain I would have been able to fathom or, I thought, I had the capacity to overcome. As scary as that was for me to even write, it's scarier to believe that in choosing healthy partnerships this is a very real possibility. 

Relationships will not always work. I won't always get it right, but going back to the alternative is not an option for me anymore. Armed with the knowledge of my fear-based responses, I have been on a journey to healing. It's been really, really hard. I've had setbacks. I've gone back to familiar but unhealthy places. But this time, I realized that in going back there why I should not have been there in the first place. That’s progress! I'm more aware of my choices. I grant myself grace and I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.

I now communicate my feelings, thoughts and fears more openly than I ever have before. I'm a lot more selective in who I date and I no longer compromise my deal breakers simply because the person is interested in me. My healing journey has liberated me. I know that a healthy relationship will take a lot of communication, understanding, compromise and grace. I can finally say that I'm ready to receive everything I have always desired but was too scared to ask for. I’m excited about what the future holds because I won't go back.
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Bernadette Jackson is a Relationship Engagement Strategist. Visit her website at bernadettejackson.com, follow her on Instagram @bernadettenjackson, or join her fatherless daughter community, @fdplaybook, where she shares facts, tips, advice and recommendations to help the fatherless daughter navigate their father loss.