This is what I'd say if Sallie Mae were a real person

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| June 11 2016,

00:30 am


Sallie Mae and I have a love/hate relationship. Although on one hand, she came through swift with that guap to finance my tuition, she quickly got disrespectful and utterly belligerent once I crossed the stage. Sallie and her cartel don't care about your post-grad woes, the job market or the economy. When it comes time to pay up, neither El Chapo nor Jimmy Hoffa can hide you from her all-seeing eye.
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Photo: Reddit

If Sallie Mae were a real person, here's how our conversation would have gone down throughout the years:

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Photo: Giphy

Let me start by saying that I don't take for granted your generosity. I appreciate you looking out for the education of a young sista of humble means.

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I know I might have been a little reckless with those undergrad refund checks, but come on, spring break wasn't going to finance itself! #YOLO

Photo: Tumblr

I understand that we had an agreement and I fully intend to honor it, but could you please back up and let me switch this tassel?

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Photo: Tumblr

What the...!? I have no job. I just moved out of the dorms. I am literally a couch surfing nomad. How on earth do you keep finding me with these repayment statements?

Photo: Buzzfeed

"Hello. Yes, this is me. Repayment?" I graduated in the middle of a recession. I'm living off of tips right now. I really don't need this kind of pressure in my life, Sallie!

Photo: Giphy

Oh, word? So you just going to slide off in the DMs with the foolery...and where did all these extra zeros come from?

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Hold up...You calling my momma now? Really. This is between me and you, Sallie. Leave her out of this!

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Ugh, Sallie! What part of BROKE don't you understand? No, I can't set up a payment plan. That requires income.

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Yes! I finally landed a job. Where's the squad? Celebrations are in order.

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Oh, so you crashing parties now, Sallie? Word? You're just going to raise a toast to my new job, huh?

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Dang it, Sallie! Get off the pole, right now! Stop your twerking...this stack of singles is not for you!

Photo: Oystermag

I get it, Salls! I owe you and you're just going to keep showing up in my life until I pay up. Payment plan scheduled. There, you happy now?

Photo: parenting.com
Welp, Sallie, we've been through a lot together. But with this last payment, it looks like our time together is coming to an end. Have a nice life
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Photo: Quotesgram

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