Former Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona is reliving some traumatic moments. In her third autobiography, Whole Again: Love, Life and Me, Katona discloses some grave details about her marriage to the late professional rugby player George Kay. The pair married in 2014 and divorced in 2017.

In her book, Katona alleges that her marriage was full of abuse, accusations of cheating, and black magic.

According to The Sun, Katona wrote about Kay’s alleged violent outbursts and threats. The outlet reports that writing about the tumultuous marriage caused Katona’s anxiety to come flooding back.

“It’s been really hard, my anxiety has been through the roof,” she told New magazine, according to The Sun. “I’ve been stuck in the past, feeling full of anxiety and fear.”

“George has such a hold over me even in death, I still feel scared he’s going to get me,” she continued. “He was so manipulative and calculated. I’m also very aware George is dead and he isn’t here to voice his side of the story. But this is all fact — and it’s my truth.”

“He was so vile to me. I’m telling you now, if George was still alive and I’d have stayed with him, I’d be dead,” she said.