You might have noticed her on a binge-watching session of America’s Next Top Model or casually being retweeted on your timeline. I came across Sexpert Tyomi or @GlamazonTyomi a year ago minding my own business on black Twitter.  Before I knew it, I was watching a few videos that I can honestly say got me together. Real quick. That’s what I liked about Tyomi along with plenty of other readers and tweeters who follow her;  there was finally a black woman there to answer all of those somewhat embarrassing questions you sometimes ask your more sexually experienced friend or your "cool aunt". She makes the conversation about sex in all forms feel like you’re sitting on the couch trading tips with your homegirl. 

Tyomi credited her knack for writing and friendly advice that sparked an interest. She said, “My father encouraged me to use my writing in some way—I decided to move into the space of sexuality coaching since I have always been an informal life coach.” And to be honest,  there weren’t too many young, black female voices out there. She makes many of us reading erotic fiction —-If you’ve never read a book by Zane, I’d give it a shot—- or have an interest in discussing sex more openly, a chance to come out of hiding. 

I had the chance to send her a few questions and learned a few more things other than how to slay a reverse cowgirl:

Sex is more than just “something to do” 

The one thing Tyomi said she learned during her 20s was that sensuality is a way to connect with others. She mentioned that sex is of course, different with each partner, but it’s another way to connect on a deeper level, “and manifest your dreams and heal yourself and others.” And if it just “something to do” in that moment, be careful about who you decide to share your energy with. 

Sex can teach you confidence with each partner 

I was most intrigued by Tyomi’s response to what really gave her the confidence to speak up online. As a naturally confident person, it was also a past partner that encouraged her emotional and physical expression. My assessment: Do you. You’re grown and no one cares about how many. But the right partner can help you explore confidence inside and outside of the sheets. 

Experimentation isn’t just for the young, wild and free

One of the biggest pieces of advice you often get about dating in your 20s  is “Now is the time to experiment” in your 20s. But Tyomi shared that maturity brings awareness of what she called your “sexual gender,” and as you mature, and she’s grown more open to experimenting with age. 

Making the decision to go ‘sexless’ can bring clarity

Tyomi called it her ‘walk with celibacy’ versus a challenge to see how long she could abstain. Sometimes we make the decision to go without sex out of bitterness or frustration, and Tyomi included that it can be the right choice if it serves a bigger purpose. She said, “ So far, I'm enjoying my time in celibacy because I'm getting so much work done and I've learned so much about myself and the relationships I've entertained in the past. Celibacy is an eye-opening experience.”

‘Good’ sex is knowing how to give feedback. 

Admit it. Everyone’s sex game hasn’t always been on fleek and every new partner means that there are different needs. A hard pill to swallow is often the following: “Drop expectations, drop the ideals of others and learn to accept your body and your skill set where it is.” If you aren’t laying it down the way your partner wants or vice versa, being open to learning is a major key.  

Sexual prowess/skill is not innate. 

OK, one last time for the people in the back. As one of the topics that Tyomi tackles with her clients and services, it’s important to note that it’s OK to seek knowledge about sexuality or ask for help. 

“Confidence comes from positive reassurance”

This was a great piece of advice because nothing is worse than just being told you aren’t doing it right. If you have trouble feeling confident, or want to make your to feel partner more confident, knowing what was amazing to start the conversation. 

It’s your sexuality. It’s time to own it like it is. 

Tyomi: “No one has the right or the authority to tell her what to do with her sex, how to perform her sex and what her sex should be.  Once a woman can erase the opinions on of others and learn how to connect with her sexuality based on her own thoughts and feelings, she can begin to truly own her sexuality. “

Even as black women struggle to elude the over sexualization of their bodies, finding the space to own it is liberating for you and the people who you choose to share it with. 

Be Your Own Best Valentine 

 You’ll read enough about how you don’t need a him/her/them to enjoy the day, but even Sexperts like Tyomi admit that they are single. Her advice: “Take yourself out. Get dressed up. Book a room as a getaway for yourself.  Do all of the things for yourself that you would want BAE to do for you this Valentine's Day".

Tyomi is currently touring the country with her “Ride him with SAS” workout and is the resident Sexpert with Exxotica Expo. For more information on tour dates visit www.sexpertTyomi.com and follow @Peekers on social for more sex-positive events.