Sallie Mae and I have a love/hate relationship. Although on one hand, she came through swift with that guap to finance my tuition, she quickly got disrespectful and utterly belligerent once I crossed the stage. Sallie and her cartel don’t care about your post-grad woes, the job market or the economy. When it comes time to pay up, neither El Chapo nor Jimmy Hoffa can hide you from her all-seeing eye.

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If Sallie Mae were a real person, here’s how our conversation would have gone down throughout the years:

Let me start by saying that I don’t take for granted your generosity. I appreciate you looking out for the education of a young sista of humble means.

I know I might have been a little reckless with those undergrad refund checks, but come on, spring break wasn’t going to finance itself! #YOLO

I understand that we had an agreement and I fully intend to honor it, but could you please back up and let me switch this tassel?

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What the…!? I have no job. I just moved out of the dorms. I am literally a couch surfing nomad. How on earth do you keep finding me with these repayment statements?

“Hello. Yes, this is me. Repayment?” I graduated in the middle of a recession. I’m living off of tips right now. I really don’t need this kind of pressure in my life, Sallie!

Oh, word? So you just going to slide off in the DMs with the foolery…and where did all these extra zeros come from?

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Hold up…You calling my momma now? Really. This is between me and you, Sallie. Leave her out of this!

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Ugh, Sallie! What part of BROKE don’t you understand? No, I can’t set up a payment plan. That requires income.

Yes! I finally landed a job. Where’s the squad? Celebrations are in order.

Oh, so you crashing parties now, Sallie? Word? You’re just going to raise a toast to my new job, huh?

Dang it, Sallie! Get off the pole, right now! Stop your twerking…this stack of singles is not for you!

I get it, Salls! I owe you and you’re just going to keep showing up in my life until I pay up. Payment plan scheduled. There, you happy now?

Welp, Sallie, we’ve been through a lot together. But with this last payment, it looks like our time together is coming to an end. Have a nice life.

if Sallie Mae were a real person — Photo: Quotesgram

What about you? Do you and Sallie have the same love/hate relationship? Let us know in the comments below!

if Sallie Mae were a real person

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