This piece is part of a 28-day series celebrating modern black love among millennials. It was created by Chuck Marcus and Michelle Nance, exclusively distributed by Blavity.
Jorie and Angel’s love has spanned 9 years, from undergrad to enduring the test of long-distance love both domestic and international. Now, the two live in Atlanta and enjoy radiating the joy of black love to friends and family.
Him: Jorie | 30 | Pricing Strategist
Her: Angel | 28 | Artist
Relationship Status: Dating, 9 Years
Q: What does black love mean to the black community?
Angel: Perpetuity — it’s important for the black community to maintain a presence biologically, but also socially. It’s important for our community to see images of people in love who look like us and be able to pass down the cultural experiences that are very unique to our communities. The Internet is allowing us to take control of our story, our culture and our history, and it’s important that people who come from this background can continue to connect and generate that dialogue. We are in an age where we are writing our history and controlling our narrative. That’s something we’ve never had before.
Jorie: I see black love probably in the same way Olympians see the Olympic Gold. There is an innateness, an understanding, which hardly, if ever, has to be spoken, that encompasses all facets of the shared plight and the daily challenges to overcome. This all while having the resilience to smile, gladly accept and normalize a life around the cruel and unusual “situationship” that is being black in America. Black love is a conscious awareness of the pain, all the while choosing to endure. Black love means strength. The black community will only become stronger and more compassionate when black love is recognized as the dream and the fruition of that Olympic Gold.
Q: Do you think there’s sufficient/significant representation of black love in media? Are you encouraged or discouraged by those you see in real life or in media?
Angel: In this day and age we can curate our digital experiences. We have the internet, streaming services and social media. You have the power to construct a media environment in which you get to see different black couples that are successful, transparent and real. We can take extra steps and only engage with content that is speaking to our experiences. There is so much content in the digital space in which we are represented. We can tailor our timelines and create environments in which we feel represented and validated.
If we want to be represented more in mainstream events such as the Oscars or the Grammys, I believe we are amidst a cultural shift. This is the first year that a white male was not nominated for the Album of the Year category, and while that’s not enough, it is important for us to recognize.
Q: What’s the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship?
Angel: Distraction. It’s scary because I think our biggest gift, yet biggest curse, is having the whole wide world in our hands. We have access to so much information, to other’s lives, so much validating and invalidating us. People are constantly being fed images, ideas and constructs that they don’t even ask for through targeted ads and digital marketing. It’s the power of social media and the internet experience as a whole. It literally can insert itself into our lives in so many ways, many in which we don’t have any control.
Jorie: Distractions. In an age where the phrase “perception is reality” has never been more true, social media is the life, the breath and the death of everything. It can build things up and tear them down. It can be the sweetest reality of the biggest falsity. I would say being a millennial and people having so much reach into what you have going on in your life is a bit off-putting. Beforehand, it was just you and your lady, or your partner, and it was what you all decided to share. Now, it is the complete opposite.
Q: Previous generations had clear and specific gender roles. How do you two define each other’s roles in your relationship, if at all?
Angel: I’m not about the gender roles. Where there is a need, fill it. If you can do it, do it. I understand there can be gender roles that are biological in a sense, such as nurturing children through breastfeeding. As for societal gender roles, I’ll have to say "nah." If I need to do yard work while he handles something in the house, then so be it. That’s OK with me. I'm not held to those traditional expectations and I don’t think we ever will be.
Jorie: There are plenty of roles within our relationship that have unofficially been assigned that follow the gender stereotype, which is fine. It’s the dogma of the status quo that this generation has removed. When I was young and immature, I really emphasized things like, “Hey, I cannot wait for you to start cooking,” which implicitly was putting that role on her. I then realized that’s not her life; that’s not her mentality. I used to reinforce its perceived importance and then I realized I don’t mind folding some clothes, I like cooking and I need to eat. My uncle told me, “You should never have to wait on a woman to feed you.” I think it took me taking a step back and maturing before I realized that gender roles are just societal constructs that are not always applicable.
Q: Do you feel pressured by your family to be with someone who looks like you?
Angel: I’ve never had pressure on what race I was to be with growing up, or even now. My family is pretty open and I have never felt that way. My family, of course, is happy to see black love expressed through him and me, but I don’t believe there would be any real pushback if I were dating outside my race.
Jorie: Not really. From my mother and my sisters, nah. My brother loves his black women — it doesn’t even matter what she looks like, if she is not a black or African woman. Right now, my mother dates a white dude and at first there was some resistance when I saw him, but now I have accepted him. My family has always been open, it was me who was color struck. There were never any force placed on me by my family members to do anything, and it was when I began to appreciate the black woman that I became happy.
Q: Are there any individual relationship struggles that you had to overcome?
Angel: As a young black woman, I have to say mine is relinquishing control. My mother was very matriarchal and a very dominant force in my household growing up. She was the decision maker, pretty much directing the household. From my perspective, my father was more of a financial supporter, while my mother was the head of the household. And I, too, have been groomed in that way. It’s the culture of my family.
I had to come in this relationship and make the decision to relinquish some control because I’m very independent and very much so affirmed in making my own decisions. I have had to understand how important it is to allow the room for my partner to guide or assist me in that way. Also, dating long distance — it’s for the birds.
Jorie: So jumping to that long distance thing. I was the one who moved away after graduating. First, I moved to DC and I was like, “Awww man! That is far!” But then I went international, and that was even further. It added even more complications to something that was already a touch-and-go situation.
My [other] answer would be control. I came from another relationship right before this one and I felt like I knew what I didn’t want and I tried to let her know those things upfront. But then it became, “Alright, I might be inserting what I want too much.” So it took me maturing to realize I’ve got a great thing right here and I do not need to try to control everything to make it go my way, because I'm probably just going to make myself have a headache. It's just about relinquishing control and understanding that I am with a great one.
Q: What is it about having a black significant other that impacts you the most?
Angel: Understanding. Understanding. Understanding. As black people, we have very specific experiences, and while there is a gradient in our blackness, there are a lot of common markers that intertwine us as a community. When you bring issues up that are specific to our community, you don’t have to write an entire dissertation. Or if something happens at work or at the store, you can look at each other and don’t have to say anything at all. Your partner just gets it and that’s a convenience you can’t buy. I’m not saying people of other races can’t understand it, but there is something on an atomic level that is just present. That energy, that generational trauma, those experiences, all those things that are ingrained in our DNA simply allows us to be on the same wavelength and to look at each other and simply say, “I feel you.”
Jorie: It fosters a level of shared vulnerability, and I'm still learning just how beautiful it can be.
