This piece is part of a 28-day series celebrating modern black love among millennials. It was created by Chuck Marcus and Michelle Nance, exclusively distributed by Blavity.
Her: Jasmine | 26 | Actress
Him: Rahmell | 28 | Actor
Relationship Status: Dating, Less Than 1 Year
While in school at Morehouse and Spelman, Jasmine and Rahmell met on the set of a music video where they played each other’s love interest. They had no idea that years later they would become actual lovers in real life. Rahmell describes black love as necessary, and Jasmine defines it as freedom. Together, they've found the necessary freedom to be able to define their relationship on their own terms, with no intention to conform to conventional standards of love.
Q: What does black love mean to the black community?
Rahmell: Black love is the answer to the black community. When I think of the black community, I think of a crippled state. The only healer for that is black love.
Jasmine: I don’t necessarily think of a crippled state with the black community. I think that’s the image that they want us to see, so I try to think outside of that. I think it’s empowerment and self-acceptance. When you have a partner who looks like you, you see yourself in them, and that means you love yourself. Black love, to the black community, is freedom.
Q: Do you think there’s sufficient/significant representation of black love in media? Are you encouraged or discouraged by those you see in real life or in media?
Jasmine: No, I don’t think there’s enough. I feel like it’s a threat. The more black love people see, the more of a threat that is to white supremacy. They’ve always tried to separate the family, even back in slavery, because they know a black family together is power. However, I’m not discouraged by it. Did I see enough black love growing up? I did see a version, but I don’t think it was the God version that’s intended. That didn’t discourage me, though. It just made me want to go harder to find it.
Rahmell: I don’t think I have any frustrations with black love in the media. It all depends on where you chose to focus. If you’re looking at the reality TV world, based on glimpses that I’ve seen, it says that black love means bickering, hollering and not dealing with your insecurities in a constructive way. But I think if you’re looking at a Jay-Z and Beyoncé, I think that’s inspiration. Their relationship inspires how I approach my relationship with her.
Jasmine: You gon’ cheat on me?
Rahmell: Nah, not that part. Post Lemonade.
Q: What’s the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship?
Jasmine: In a lot of ways, I don’t really identify myself as a millennial. In this physical body, yes I am a millennial, but I don’t get caught up in a lot of the social media. The hardest thing, because of the path that the black family has taken back from slavery up to now, is our parents. Having to be a millennial with the teachings of our parents; having to figure out what’s true and what’s not when it comes to love, self identity, being a female and knowing what role I should take in a relationship. Growing up, I always knew the man to be the prize and not the woman. The woman was always running after the man, making sure she had that strong man in the household because that’s what she thought she needed. And then when she figured out that she didn’t need it, they got a divorce and the women became the strong man. My mom was both my dad and my mom. Having seen that, I took on some of her characteristics. There are times that Rah will be like, “You need to chill, I got this.” It’s hard for me to let him get stuff, sometimes. It’s interesting having to rewrite that narrative for myself.
Rahmell: I think this generation, and it’s hard to say because I haven’t lived in another generation, but we’re the first to come face to face with escaping post-traumatic slave syndrome in the romantic realm. I think there are so many principles and ideas that our ancestors were forced to adhere to that were crippling. For instance, the man doesn’t talk. Clearly, that comes from slavery. Don’t talk or you’ll get killed. You can’t show emotions, tuck it in before master comes back around. I think this is the first generation to see that it’s a problem. The man doesn’t have to be silent. The pastor doesn't have to be the one to handle our marriage. I think all of these patterns we’ve lived with, this generation is saying we can do things differently.
Jasmine: The biggest thing is this idea that you have to have a man to complete you. I grew up hearing that all the time, that you were not whole until you found a man. That’s self-destructive and depleting in a lot of ways.
Q: Are there any individual relationship struggles that you had to overcome?
Jasmine: What takes most people six months to a year, took us less than a month, because we started out with honesty. I told him some of my deepest, darkest secrets on the first date. I have commitment issues. The idea of "forever and always" scares the shit out of me. I saw marriage fail. I’ve never seen a successful marriage in my life. What I learned is that it was the expression of love, or the lack thereof, that was the problem. I realized that maybe this could be a lifelong thing, and I started running. He would have to come chase me, and I would come back and he would have to chase me again. I also had to get through letting him in on my childhood. We explore our inner child together to understand where each other is coming from.
Rahmell: It’s hard to say that I’ve fully overcome it. The biggest thing is deception, always feeling like somebody’s out to get me. Feeling like somebody’s trying to deceive me. Trust issues at its best. It’s rooted in a fear of losing her, losing love. Even that is rooted in my own issues of acceptance and feeling like I’m not worthy of being accepted. Most of that shit has nothing to do with the actual relationship, and everything to do with my childhood. It forced me to revisit my situation with my father and approach it with another lens, gaining more out of those dark caves and learning that there’s treasure there, if I choose to see things differently.
Q: Previous generations had clear and specific gender roles. How do you two define each other’s roles in your relationship, if at all?
Jasmine: I don't really think we have gender roles. Something he’s still struggling with is that I like to pay. I have funds, I can pay too. He cooked this morning. I don’t cook. One thing that we do adhere to is the feminine and masculine energy, and knowing how powerful those can be when they come together. His physical strength is a lot dominant than mine. He is the protector and I love the fact that he can protect me. I’m the nurturer. I’m more like a healer.
Rahmell: I don’t know if we have any, honestly. A part of that is because she challenges that status quo constantly. I respect it because I was raised by a single mother. I always struggled with understanding the difference between a man and a woman, other than the biological difference. I think that we are defining our own gender roles.
Q: Do you feel pressured by your family to be with someone who looks like you?
Jasmine: No. Like I said, I didn’t really see love like that when it came to marriage. Even if they did pressure me, I wouldn’t take their advice, anyway.
Rahmell: Of course I felt that pressure. My mother made it very clear that would have been something that would strike a chord. But, I don’t think that pressure applies to our relationship. Having someone to understand you is the most powerful thing you can have in a relationship. I feel the freedom to share whatever I’m experiencing, and I know she’ll know exactly where I’m coming from.
Q: What is it about having a black significant other that impacts you the most?
Rahmell: Blackness is only a crumb in this loaf of commonality we share. I truly see myself in her, and I would like to think she sees herself in me. We are twin flames. We are the same person. We share the same mind, complete each other's thoughts, see each other’s spirits, see each other’s souls and feel each other’s hearts. It’s like I have another self that’s sculpted in this beautiful image, that I probably sculpted myself in the divine world. We share veganism, the acting thing, the spiritual interest and blackness. It’s hard to pinpoint how that one thing directly speaks to our relationship.
Jasmine: Yes, I agree. We have a lot of similarities. We are, like, the same person. It’s helpful because he’s an actor too. If I were to date a white actor and come home and try to tell him that I just finished working on a show where I experienced racism — covert racism, in terms of how they saw my hair and other things — I don’t think he would understand. It also helps that when I put my scarf on at night, he has to put his du-rag on at night. That’s just dope. It’s the everyday struggles that I feel as a black American, he will also feel, if not more, because he’s a black man.
