It’s almost the second Monday of October, which means Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians!! (True story, it’s next Monday for real!)

The inspiration for this post came after #oomf asked me a question about Canada that had me completely puzzled. I tweeted that it’s adorable what Americans don’t know about our country and that I should blog about it. To my surprise, several replied that I should!

So here I am with your quick guide to your neighbours to the north. Think of it less of Canada for dummies, but more like Coles’ notes to the original Cold world. Ha.

The Basics

• Born July 1, 1867. That means we are babies in comparison to y’all. We are literally your baby brother.
• We are one of the largest countries in the world area wise. Yes: bigger than you. #petty.
• The population though, is small. California is 38 million. Canada is 35 million. (in our defence, the majority of the country is literally the north pole and inhabitable).

The Layout

• Instead of states, we got provinces – 10 of them to be exact and 3 territories (like P.R, Guam and stuff).
• The Maritimes (aka New England area), the central provinces include Quebec (the french place where Celine Dion originated) and Ontario (the biggest province population/area wise), the prairies (the middle part of the country of flat land and cold. think Minnesota) and the west coast (Rockies/mountains and allegedly great weed). The 3 territories are next to Alaska.(aka the state that should be a Canadian province).
• This means the weather in those provinces, are similar to the states that border it. Most places here have 4 seasons, but yes, the winters are long and exceptionally brutal in the prairies.

this is a real google search…

Fun fact: we don’t live in igloos. well.. 99% of us don’t.

The Politics

• The head of state (country) is the Prime Minister. We have 3 major political parties (Liberals=Dems, Conservatives=Reps, NDP=um..i got nothing)

• The head of each province is a Premier. Head of each city is a mayor. (like the one that looks like Peter Griffin and smoked crack.)

sigh. october can’t some soon enough…

• The capital of the country is Ottawa.
• The two official languages are english and french.
• We still have a connection to England/monarchy but it’s all just for show. The Queen is on our money and we get a day off from work to celebrate one of dem’s bday.

The History

• We’re known as nice, peace-keeping, drake ambassadoring folk now.. but don’t get it twisted – the war of 1812 happened! We burned ya White House down suckas!
• In all seriousness, the border (longest in the world) has been friendly for hundreds of years (but now you need a passport to cross it. smh).

this.. seems safe. LOL.

The Money

ignore that 50 cent coin. i never seent it.

• We just got rid of the penny. To save pennies. (see what I did there?)
• Coins: 5, 10, 25 cents (nickel, dime, quarter). $1 called the loonie (cuz of the loon on it). $2 called the twoonie (cuz we’re not creative but it works). #dontjudgeus

Fun fact: no, we don’t throw coins at our strippers. You either ‘buy’ faux ‘singles’ or you give em $5’s but you get a lil more for your money in that case. This info has not been verified by me personally.

taste the rainbow!

• Bills: $5=blue, $10=purple, $20=green, $50=red, $100=brown. It may look ridiculous, but I know how much money I have as soon as I open my wallet.
• We also just changed over to the new polymer money. It’s like plastic. It’s weird but whatevs.
• We have our own currency and banking system (praise the lord). The Canadian dollar has been close to, just below or just above par with the American dollar for the past few years (aka more shopping for me!!)

fun fact: TD bank..that T stands for Toronto. Yup. That green bank all over the US is actually a Canadian bank. #boom

• Yes – it’s called dollar. There are 20+ countries in the world whose country is also called dollar.

The Food

all of the milk…

Seeing as though we are our own country, we have some foods that you may have never seen before – ketchup, sour cream and bacon or all dressed chips. Chocolate bars (oh henry, coffee crisp) and kinder surprise (what do you have against a cheap plastic toy inside tasteless chocolate eggs?). We are the creators of gooey butter tarts, the perfectors of poutine and there’s no such thing as Canadian bacon. This article has a slideshow in case you feel like being hungry.

lemme tell you i HOLLERED.

Fun fact: we sell milk in bags. I know what your face looks like right now. Many families appreciate the bulk milk purchase. How does it work? 1 bag has 3 smaller bags. You place the small bag in a milk container, snip the corner et voila – lait pour toi (milk for you). No lid required. If you are buying bagged milk, you go through it pretty fast and no need to worry about food smells transferring. (this was a real question).

 

The Other Stuff You Wanna Know

Weed: So.. there’s this little rumor that weed is officially legal here. It’s not REEEAAAALLY legal (or loyal as the young folks would say), BUUUT the police may or may not have been known to let a spliff or two go.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6VvwV-F1ak&w=560&h=315]

 

Otherwise.. no way THIS happens in the middle of tourist Toronto without ERRbody being arrested. This site breaks it down quite nicely.

In other words, don’t do drugs. But if you do – smoke it in small amounts around other people, that aren’t children. And don’t grow it. And don’t sell it. And don’t commit other crimes for it. Capisce?

Taxes: Our taxes are high. Too high. Like the rent.

Our sales/goods tax is fu-!$%!&#-en 13% on just about EVERY THING. When you get to the register, be prepared or be surprised (and weep regardless). However, our taxes pay for things like our famous healthcare. That we for the most part, enjoy having. Unlike you people.

I don’t know what a co-pay is. I get to choose my doctor. I go to a walk-in clinic or gp office and walk out without a bill (care is free, drugs are NOT). As a person who has given birth, I can tell you there are many  appointments, ultrasounds and etc. All free. The giving birth part: also free. I once had an Instagram peep post her bill after she delivered her daughter.

$34,000.

WUT.

Then to top all that off, y’all tell the moms to go back to work on average 6 weeks later when the uterus is still trying go back into chill mode? I’ll take my 52 weeks of paid (apx 55% of your pay, paid by the government out of the employment insurance) leave every day of the week. Especially knowing that it’s illegal for them to fire me or change my job when I decide to come back. Dad’s can get some leave too!

So that’s about it. I’m sure there is more, but wanted to give you the basics so you can feel smart if the category comes on up on Jeopardy (hosted by.. a Canadian).

Our countries pasts, presents and futures are connected together like the oreo cookie and cream. From fresh water and lumber (and oil). From entertainment to sports (we invented basketball, but you gave us hockey #fairtrade) and more.

If you feel so inclined, come visit! We’re generally a nice group of people and a clean and pretty place to see.

How’s that for a tourist blog post eh?

-amy

Now’s your chance – any questions about Canada? There’s no such thing as a stupid question (trust me.. we’ve heard them all). And NO.. we’re not taking Justin Beiber back.

ps: so…in case you want to read more – check out this post! lol.