A Millennial's Guide to Gracefully Sliding in Someone's DMs
August 07, 2015 at 2:00 am
So it’s only right that some of y'all should find ya bae, right? Laws of Attraction and all that experimental jazz?
Anyway, let’s say you’ve been following your personal #BaeToBe for a hot minute. Y'all done shared some #IfHogwartsWasAnHBCU memes, retweeted each other, maybe even interacted a few times with that @ sign.
You know how courting goes in the year of Our Lord Fetty Wap, 2015.
So, it’s been a few months now and you’re seriously considering shooting that shot. But it’s your only shot, so you wanna make it count. Because #BaeToBe is heavy in your feed and you know you’re not the only one shooting in the gym.
Pause. Hold it. Take a second (think about it).
Before you hit the send button on that DM, let’s go over some hard and fast (ha) rules for hoppin’ in those DMs.
“Do I Know You?”
Unless you’re Idris Elba, Serena Williams, Misty Copeland or Lenny “First let me flop out the MF pants” Kravitz, you can’t just send random DMs to random people and hope for the best.
Like a victory garden, you gotta put in the work, homie! Tend to that garden of romance and till some soil — make conversation, share a retweet, put a funny comment on a reblog, etc. Make sure that #BaeToBe has common interests with you. Get to know them. Show them a bit of who you are.
Whatever you do, just don’t come out from the cold and be @weirdonumba45. Nobody. No. Body. Likes that foolery.
There’s A Time and Place for Filth
Listen, most of us are grown. Or at least legal in our respective states. As such, let’s acknowledge that we get lusty and filth might fly. However, the filth should be consensual. If your timeline is talking about that mac n’ cheese sound, let your freaky flag fly.
But if #BaeToBe is just posting their new favorite coffee spot, don’t go asking what that thang smell like!
Use context clues. Be relevant. Just because you wanna bump and grind don’t mean everybody else does.
There’s A Time and a Damn Place for Filth
Don’t send unsolicited nethers pics. Don’t send unsolicited thirst traps. Don’t send unsolicited anything.
It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s not sexy. It’s not amazing. It’s not cool. It’s creepy.
Don’t do it.
If they ain’t send for a special order of them yams, don’t send it. If they didn’t express a love for eggplant, leave it on the shelf. If they don’t feel like watermelon today, let it go. I’m running out of apropos analogies.
But you get the point. You’re smart. I know it.
Keep It Out The Streets
This is the biggest thing. Sometimes (especially for cishet men), your ego's gonna get hurt. You might put the work in with #BaeToBe and next thing you know they’re all “nah.”
It’s okay. Like the Grim Reaper, #TheCurve comes for all of us. Your day is coming. It’s all about how you bounce back, pleighboi.
So don’t take that hurt out on the subject of your affection. Or your social network. If somebody don’t want you, keep it pushing. There’s no need to attack them or put all their business out there. Leave the vitriol for things that really deserve it: Sallie Mae, lukewarm oatmeal, cords with shorts in ‘em, that blue shell in Mario Kart, Future’s unintelligible trap yodeling, George Zimmerman, etc.
Life is short. Live it with few regrets and a lot of fire tweets, reblogs, vines and think pieces.
So good luck on your next venture. I hope you find bae. Or bae finds you. Whatever works.