Thanksgiving is near, which means the need for #ThanksgivingClapbacks will soon come, as well. Though the smell of good home cooking is always welcoming, what isn't so welcome is the barrage of questions that flow like gravy over mashed potatoes.
The most anxiety-inducing relative is that nosy auntie or never-minding-their-own-business cousin, who can't wait to ask about the mate they know damn well doesn't exist. (Because if they did exist, they'd probably be there with you, right?)
Even if you are boo'ed up, you still may not be safe. Your invasion of privacy will then probably come in the form of, "So when you are two going to start a family?"
Thanksgiving clapbacks can get really cruel and can even possibly taint your turkey. So we're here to provide you a possible list of more respectful clapbacks. We're not trying to get anyone kicked outside in the cold with an empty stomach. Besides, there's no shade like polite shade, folks.
Scenario 1: Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Option 1: “They're like the food on my empty plate right now — nonexistent. I wonder when we can start eating? Never mind where my mate is; what’s that mac 'n' cheese looking like?"
With this pivot, you can deftly bring the focus back to where it should be on Thanksgiving: The food.
Option 2: “Probably at home being tortured by their family, too!”
This is another good-natured way to throw a little shade at your probing family members, but it’s a way that'll probably have them laughing. Shout out to that hypothetical boo, who’s likely getting the same questions, too.
Option 3: “They're spending the holidays in Wakanda. You heard about that BS Oscar category they invented?”
Since this was the year of Black Panther, you can first reference the movie then naturally segue into a conversation about racial inequality in the film world. Plus, your auntie would be thrilled to know your potential boo is in the greatest kingdom known to man.
Scenario 2: "So when are you going to start a family?"
Option 1: “I’ll start a family when Trump stops being orange.”
See? This is a way to express your frustration with this question, and let them know you're over it. However, using Trump as a your shade scapegoat is a great way for any Black family to bond.
Option 2: “What do you mean?! Y'all are all the family I need!”
If you follow this comment up with a little warm laughter, your relatives are likely to take your response as a compliment. They will probably assume you meant they could never be replaced, but in actuality it's the snarkiest of shade.
Option 3: “I don't know. Can you get those on Amazon Prime? As a matter of fact, I been wanting a membership! That'd make a bomb Christmas gift! Wink, wink.”
Yes — actually verbalize the "wink wink." It makes them think you're more corny than sarcastic and thus disrespectful. Since your relatives want you to start a family so badly, maybe they can pony up on the membership fee, so you can get one shipped to you as soon as possible.
Option 4: “Alexa, play ‘We Are Family.’”
Once again, this is a great strategy for diverting the conversation in a fun way. Play the famous Sister Sledge song, and let your relatives know they're the only family you need — or, you know, the family you're stuck with.
Happy Thanksgiving Blavity Fam!