This piece is part of a 28-day series celebrating modern black love among millennials. It was created by Chuck Marcus and Michelle Nance, exclusively distributed by Blavity.
Her: Ebony | 30 | Insurance Specialist
Him: Paul | 30 | Sports Marketing
Relationship Status: Married, 5 Years
“Everyone knows the story, but Paul tells it better,” says Ebony at the start of their interview. In the summer of 2005, Ebony and Paul showed up to their freshman college orientation with their respective groups of friends. As Paul tells it, Ebony and her girls were a bit on the uppity side, so he took the opportunity while sitting behind them in the school’s auditorium to toss gum wrappers in one of her girls' hair, which she later confronted him about. During the first week on campus, the two groups hung out, kicking off their college years with a party. Little did Ebony and Paul know, this would also be the start of a relationship that would, many years later, lead to marriage and a family. Now, the two live in Newark, New Jersey and, in the millennial world, have been married for eons, with five years of commitment under vows.
Q: What does black love mean to the black community?
Paul: First, I think that black love should be the example for the community. We’re strong individually, but the solution to being able to do anything in our community is being able to come together, support each other and love each other. I think that’s where black love comes in. We can teach those principles of family, allowing us to form a foundation of togetherness.
What I think it currently means to a lot of people is a lot of lust. It’s easy to lust nowadays. It’s easy to think you’re in love with a chick because you see them on Instagram, and you don’t know anything about her.
Ebony: For me, it means black excellence, especially on social media. You see so many images of black couples in various stages. You find this person who looks like you, talks like you, who understands your slang and your struggle, and you gravitate towards them and you build together. To me, it’s magic. It gives our community a ray of hope that you can find someone out there, and it can be viewed as dope.
Q: Do you think there’s sufficient/significant representation of black love in media? Are you encouraged or discouraged by those you see in real life or in media?
Paul: As someone who works in media and advertising, I feel like there’s not only not enough representation, there also isn't authentic representation. A lot of people check the box of diversity — let’s get a white person or an Asian person. A lot of times now, a minority will get bumped because they’re trying to check the box of same sex. We don’t spend enough time saying, "This is a black couple and I’m going to inject everything that’s authentic about black love into this campaign." It’s always placement, not a narrative rooted in telling our story.
Ebony: Absolutely not. I feel like when we were younger, Martin, for me, was everything. It hit all the different areas.
Paul: We are Martin and Gina. We didn’t view it as something to aspire to because we weren’t thinking about that stuff. But if we were 21 when that was on, I would have seen that as a great representation of black love.
Ebony: It was 100 percent realistic. There’s not one show I can look at on television right now and say that’s us.
Paul: We’re not Ghost and Tasha?
Ebony: Even with Ghost and Tasha, their relationship isn’t positive. It’s jacked up! I feel like, on social media, [black love] is everywhere. You can look at Steve Harvey and Marjorie, Gabby and Dwayne — they are everything! They’re super, power couples. Even the random couples you come across on the explore page. Five of my closest friends are married and in healthy relationships. I feel like it’s common, but media can't grab it and put it in TV form.
Paul: The emphasis is on reality television, which isn’t reality at all.
Q: What’s the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship?
Paul: As a man, I grew up in a mindset of “get girls.” That’s what we do. Until you get that one, you get as many as you can. That’s a part of us. In the past, if you wanted to be that way, it took real work. I was talking to my nephew and I asked him, “If I was a girl, how would you come at me?” He said, “I don’t know, I wouldn’t say anything to you.” I asked, “So how are you getting girls?” He’s like, “Oh, Twitter. I just send the same message to 15 chicks. Somebody’s gonna reply.” It’s email marketing!
Women are so much more accessible and you have so many more resources to get in touch with women.
Ebony: Technology. I’m always in my phone and he’s always in his phone because everything’s in your phone: email, social media, actual phone calls. When it’s date night or you’re just in the house, you’re constantly picking up the phone. We legit have to put our phones away or leave them somewhere else to have productive conversations.
Also, if you don’t text me back, I can go check your Instagram stories and see where you are. There are so many different ways to reach a person, and I don’t know if that’s healthy.
Paul: Part of a relationship is having that separation. But now, let’s say I’m at work, I can get on Instagram and still see where she is. Or, if I’m one of these simple guys and I have a bunch of chicks, there’s a lot of research I need to do. There’s a lot of content I can make assumptions about. I feel like it almost puts you in a state of paranoia.
Q: Are there any individual relationship struggles that you had to overcome?
Ebony: I am very defensive. I don’t take constructive criticism well. Even if it’s just that someone’s talking to me and I don’t like the tone of their voice, or there’s a certain hand movement, I take it the wrong way. I either shut down or just go. It causes us to have issues communicating. It’s something that’s entirely on me and has nothing to do with him. I’ve always been this way, even with friendships. It’s something I’m working on.
Paul: It’s so much. We’ve been together for a long time, not just the timeline, but also the stages we went through. We are light years away from where we were. We went from 17 and 18, to 20 and 21, where we had a little more independence, and then college grads. The time after college puts you in the real world, and it’s like, “Am I planning my entire life factoring you in it?” My struggle was two parts: 1. Committing, and 2. Wanting to accept and be better at certain things, but not for my own reasons, for someone else. I’ve always been the type of person who does what they want.
Q: Previous generations had clear and specific gender roles. How do you two define each other’s roles in your relationship, if at all?
Ebony: I don’t think that we purposely try to have gender roles. It’s not that we sat down and said, "You’re going to do this and I’m going to do that." The way our schedules are set up, he spends a lot of time at work. A lot of things that need to be done around the house, I can’t leave them up to him. So I take on the cooking, cleaning and laundry, while he will have something easy, like, the trash.
Paul: See how she tries to make it look like that’s all I do?
Ebony: You “bring home the bacon,” but I do too! Sometimes he doesn’t get home until midnight and it’s like, what are you going to do right now? I feel like if our schedules were different, he wouldn’t have a problem doing those things.
Paul: I agree. We never sat down and said, “This is your role, know it.” But I feel like the way we ended up here is two-fold. 1. I’m an athlete, I’m a teammate. If this is what I need to do today, that’s what I’m doing. 2. If that’s not someone’s strength or something someone likes to do, then the outcome won’t be as good. That’s where being a team comes into play.
I don’t wash dishes. It got to the point where I had to pay to have a dishwasher put in.
Q: Do you feel pressured by your family to be with someone who looks like you?
Paul: No, it was never said. I was born in another country, Barbados, and moved to Philly. My son is the first, full American.
Ebony: No. Absolutely not. My stepdad would joke about bringing a man of another race home. A part of me knew the joke was coming from a real place, however, he never applied any real pressure. I never thought much into it because my preference has always been a black man.
Q: What is it about having a black significant other that impacts you the most?
Paul: Keeping it a thousand. I love my people. We’re dope, we’re strong, passionate, talented and resilient. There’s so much about my people that I love so much, and when you’re talking about a relationship with someone else, it becomes about taking those qualities to the next level.
Ebony: It’s understanding. Having a partner who understands your struggles, family background and your stories. At my last job, a women of another race would call me "honey" and "sweetie," and I knew I could come home and talk to him and he would know where I’m coming from.
