She was a student at Ohio State University, strong into her third year of college when we met. Her skin was brown, mind focused and her body was banging. She was 22 years young and I, three years her senior, found attraction and sexual healing to be ever-present. Alone time, phone time and at any time for that matter I had feelings of intimate emotions.
My identity was that of a womanizer/woman-pleaser. We made a promise to not insert or pervert anything into our relationship before jumping the broom. Grandma always said, “It’s hard to come together when her legs are always spread.” Thank you Grandma, for the vivid imagery. I took this to heart and understood the role I played in making our relationship work. The bedroom has always sent people away mentally when we are intimate with someone prematurely.
I have laid on many beds, futons, back seats, floors and countertops in my young life. Countless moments of experiencing sex with a-woman-not-yet-my-wife produced poor results. Not for me necessarily, but for “her.” She was the casual sex on a Saturday night after Netflix and chill. She was the long-time-now-estranged friend I couldn’t help but feel up. I didn’t feel the pain these women felt when I exited them physically and emotionally.
This is why I can appreciate the effort Russell Wilson is making with Ciara. We all need a challenge at times. Chasing someone sexually is one challenge but taming the beast in our groin is a far greater challenge for many. With Charlie Sheen announcing his HIV positive status, isn’t it best to avoid those moments of sadness? Sure it is, so here are three ways to avoid the early onset of lustfulsexualfluenza.
Three quick ways to avoid early sex:
1. Netflix and Chill must turn into Matinee and Milkshakes.
You should no longer stay past the 7 p.m. hour with your lust burning you up. If you believe this relationship is indeed different, then do something different. Yes, you are an adult but you will look like an old child at 40 years, single, and searching the bar at Happy Hour for a quality connection.
2. Takes Two To Tango.
We both made a commitment which gave both of us a sense of guilt if we failed. If one party feels the victory lies in laying down with you for a rendezvous it will be tough to fend them off long-term. Get on the same page for the purpose of the relationship because it’s the only reason we made it through.
3. Fight the Lust Line.
Can’t you imagine the feeling of their body on top of yours? Does the images of orgasmic wild sex with them just send you overboard? I bet it does, indeed! There is no manual on how to turn these thoughts off. You have to know some nights will be your weak night and vice versa. Remind each other of the commitment you made. Even when you slip up once or thrice, get back on the wagon. Your relationship will thank you for it long term.
Waiting to have sex with my wife was my commitment to her long term. I know as a man that we can be master manipulators long after being masturbators in our adolescents. Learned habits take root in our formative years on how people tick. Your vulnerability, sensuality and desire to be loved fall in line with our playbook. I will tell the unborn daughter I may raise that “Sex is your right to have, but 9/10 it hurts your chances of building the strongest bond with Him.”
You may be reading this thinking “Why is this man telling me not to have sex before marriage?” It is merely for you to be the empowered and respected person you desire to be. People spend money, think of dates, protect each other, stare, send good morning texts and blush emojis back and forth. Not just for the draws, but yes for the draws. We eventually fall in love with each other. If done correctly, our desire for each other will force us to pursue you all the way to the wedding day. My son is easily bribed at two years old. His love for fruit snacks of any kind and shape makes him vulnerable. When I offer him the thing he loves the most I create a magnet for my desires to be fulfilled.
Your heart desires that commitment I gave to my wife seven years ago. We fulfilled that commitment but not without our share of hiccups. Our hands landed in places our loins couldn’t. Even in those moments, due to our commitment to avoiding sex, we felt a guilt and conviction. Promise yourself this time will be different. Promise your body that who enters the home of your heart next won’t just visit but move in forever. I’ve been married for five years now but can’t even recall the names or amount of women I misused selfishly. Live through me and know sex is the King of the chess board. You are the ruler of yours, so you have all the moves and power necessary to protect it.
Chris Marvel is a Relationship Coach/Expert and author of upcoming book Love Laws- Rules of Love and Relationships in the 21st Century. He has been seen or spoken of on ESPN, Fox Sports, Sports time Ohio, Yahoo, Huffington Post and HuffPostLive, also working with future NFL Hall of Famer Terrell Owens and other notable professional athletes and entertainers. He has also contributed to various radio shows around the country including a regular guest spot on Radio One in Cleveland. He also is known for offering commentary and insights on professional athletics, leadership, human development, and spiritual growth. He a columnist for the Call and Post Newspaper and a recent “Emerging Leaders” honoree in Who’s Who in Black Cleveland. He has shared the stage with Iyanla Vanzant and Wendy Williams at the Empower One Conference in 2015 as well.