The 7 Stages of Watching ‘The Walking Dead’
April 02, 2015 at 1:30 am
You may be familiar with this thing everyone is talking about on Twitter called The Walking Dead. Now that the season’s over you’re safe from spoilers, so it’s as good a time as any to begin binge watching the show that’s fucking with everyone’s emotions. To help keep your feels in check, here’s a list of all of the thoughts and sensations you will feel during every episode of The Walking Dead.
The show will consistently open with an obscure flashback or some kind of foreshadowing to upcoming events that will leave you going “bish, whet?” Place your bets and make your predictions as to who’s gonna die tonight (hint: Black guy).
Someone’s going to do something stupid or they’re going to make one of the only minority characters (cough-Glenn-cough) do something stupid. Someone will almost always almost die but manage to stay alive which will give you a mini-heart attack which will piss you off.
Boredom (just a little)
9 out of 10 of the times you’re biting your nails on the edge of your couch cushion, nothing at all will happen.
There will be an uninterrupted 20-25 minutes where the characters will have literally no action and do nothing but walk, cook or clean all accompanied with some quippy dialogue about “survival,” “death,” and “doing what ya’ gotta do.”
The 20-minutes of boredom you experience will lure you into a false sense of hope that maybe nothing bad will happen to anyone in this episode.
This is a good time to envy Michonne’s (Danai Gurira) mean machete skills. Just allow your mind to wander and contemplate how you would fare in the zombie apocalypse.
Panic. Sheer Panic.
Just kidding just kidding they’re all about to DIE!!!! Well, At least one person is about to die a horribly gruesome death that will likely involve their intestines being ripped out by a walker (those walkers love intestines. I wonder how they feel about chitlins).
The foreshadowing before the opening credits will suddenly make sense as a traitor is revealed or someone else will do something incredibly stupid that puts everyonel in danger.
You may also get a tad upset that you’ll only count about 3 minority zombies in a whole episode. Really, AMC? We’re not good enough to walk amongst the dead?
The safe zone is overrun by walkers, the group has run out of medicine or water or gas, and your favorite character is now dead or a zombie or shot in face. And now you’re pulling out your hair thinking “What are they gonna do now? Where are they gonna go? How long will they survive? When was the last time any of them brushed their teeth?”
The episode will end with an agonizing cliff hanger. Which will bring us back to the confusion we felt in the beginning.
And that kids, is The Walking Dead. Let the binging begin.