According to dictionary.com, ‘petty’ is an adjective defined as “of little importance or consequences." Over the last few years, it seems as though the world has morphed the word into a completely different concept. Today, acting in a petty manner can be described as taking a rather insignificant moment, and reacting in a way that suits one’s personal agenda. Essentially, it’s a subtle yet dramatic way to prove a point, a power play of sorts.
Recently, the petty movement has swept across our culture and integrated itself into our everyday vernacular. Petty players are typically indiscriminate, divisive and so witty that you have no choice but to admire the skill. Everyone should brush up on their petty playbook to avoid being a victim of a petty player’s social sting. There are Petty Labelle's and Petty Waps in nearly every social setting, though they may be disguised as a Happy Harry. Don’t be fooled.
Here are 11 principles that will help you master the art of petty.
1. Master savagery before attempting to become a Petty Master.
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Before you can become a Petty Master, you first must be a thriving savage. How do you achieve savagery? Get rid of your f*cks. All of them. Savages are independent creatures. They hold self-preservation to the highest of standards. You have to relieve your good-willed empathy, even if only for a moment. Trust me! Petty plays are best executed with zero emotion. One must not concern themselves with the emotions of others during a petty match. Leave your cares at the doe and put your petty face on. But crawl before you walk.
2. Fight petty with petty.
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Unfortunately, the only way to beat petty is to find a way to be pettier. One of the fundamentals of "pettymanship" is being able to recognize petty plays. When executed well, you may not realize that you’re the victim of a petty play. There are some Petty Crockers that have refined their craft so exquisitely that their petty plays can go unnoticed and can only be acknowledged well after the play has been executed. At some point or another, we’ve all asked ourselves, “Was that shade?" Chances are if you have to ask, it was definitely shade. You must reach a point where you can detect pettiness from miles away. Conciseness is the gateway to change. It’s important to understand that petty plays are power plays and power is never given. Power is taken. The only way to defeat a Petty Master is to become a Petty Master.
3. Never strike first.
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Only pull out the petty playbook when you need it. Asserting pettiness unnecessarily makes you look like an assh*le. Don’t be that guy/girl. Pettiness is a reactive practice, not a proactive one. Furthermore, at its core, petty plays are defense mechanisms. Use good judgment when reaching into your petty pouch. Everyone doesn’t need to know that you’re a Class-A Petty Master. In fact, it’s better if they don’t know. So when they throw that jab thinking you’ll fold, you'll be able to nail them with one of your handy dandy petty plays. I bet they’ll never try it again. As the African proverb teaches us, “Walk quietly and carry a big stick”.
4. Timing is everything.
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Always wait for the most opportune time to exert your pettiness. In some cases that may mean the next day. In other cases that may mean two years after the insult of origin. Be very careful not to be petty during the wrong times. As a Petty Master, you never want to seem inconsistent or show any indication of misjudgment. Your petty must always be on time for the optimal effect. You could have the best play, but executing at the wrong time may kill your reputation. To avoid this from becoming your reality, think first, then react. Here's an example of strategic parental petty.
Mother continually ask son to clean his room. Son routinely ignores his mother. The Mother waits until the son is at school, goes into his room and dumps everything he owns into the middle of the floor, forcing her son to clean his room. Checkmate!
5. Keep receipts.
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Receipts are perhaps the easiest way to throw petty plays. This method is tried and true. When in doubt, show them the receipts. Receipts are facts. Receipts are proof. The more receipts you can provide to support your play, the better. Screenshots, emails, videos, voicemails, YOU NAME IT! Receipts are best used when exposing your opponent's inconsistencies. Use without restraint, but remember, this is the least creative petty play. Be careful not to keep too many receipts for then you'll be known as a Receipt Rhonda and people will always watch what they say and do around you. Take control of your petty by mixing it up. Receipts are great for quick and easy wins. They can also be paired with impeccable timing to maximize your petty efforts.
6. Play to win.
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The petty war isn’t over until there’s a winner. Come back with your shield, or on it but never give up. Surrender is fundamentally partitioned from "pettymanship". Petty Masters always have a comeback and they back down to no one. So before engaging in a petty battle, be sure it’s worth the win. More importantly, be sure you can win. Be resilient and never call it a day until you're satisfied.
7. Stand down until you have the perfect petty play. 
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It’s better to hold off than to shoot and miss. As mentioned in number four, timing is everything. Sometimes it’s best to wait until you have the perfect play. The longer you wait to clap back, the better. Petty Masters are notorious for resurfacing old sh*t. Wait until you have an advantage, then take your shot. For example, a friend or colleague makes an unexpected comment about you talking too much during a company meeting. Simply smile, nod, and place that jab in your back pocket. The next time they ask for your opinion, politely bring it up by saying, “Oh, last month you said I talk too much, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.” This is much more effective than responding in the moment. Make moves only when it suits your agenda.
8. Silent petty is the best petty.
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You can accomplish more with your actions than you ever could with words. Pettiness is best served with a side of shade. Use your expressions and body language to get your point across. Keep them guessing about how you really feel. This method of petty is particularly effective because it’s subjective. Words can be used as receipts against you. But no one can prove what expressions you evoked. And if they challenge you on it, deny it. When you detect shade, retaliate by saying one thing but use your body language to convey a different message. Here’s an example.
Friend: “This restaurant is much cleaner than the one you picked last week.”
You: *while peering over your menu at your friend’s figure* “You’re right, they have great salads here! I think I’ll order one.”
9. Petty be nimble, petty be quick.
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All Petty Masters are quick-witted and clever. For most, it takes years of petty practice to master petty banter. Always stay ahead of the game by identifying potential opponents (those that throw petty plays to others). If they’re engaging in petty battles with people around you, they will definitely try to challenge you. Be ready. Never let a Petty Master catch you slipping. They will certainly strike if given the opportunity. If struck, have a counter attack ready and waiting. Never let them think they’ve won. If your petty play is strong enough they’ll back down. Petty will always recognize petty. Channel your inner Mohammad Ali. “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Think quick on your feet, for in this style of petty you'll usually only have one shot to win.
10. Be petty on purpose.
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Never “accidently” make a petty play. Execute every petty play with conviction. Precision and accuracy are highly valued by Petty Masters. Even if that means waiting an entire year for vengeance. So be it. Make every play count. Be wise about when to engage. When you throw a petty play, mean it, and never take it back. If you’ve been struck and you’re unsure how to react, wait until you’ve calculated the perfect petty plan that will ensure victory. You must never misfire.
11. Never use the same petty play twice.
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Unfortunately, petty plays must never be reused or recycled. No one laughs at a joke they’ve heard before. Once it’s been thrown into the match, it’s no longer effective. You must never use that play again. Doing so would dilute your creative credibility. Don’t become a one trick petty pony. Keep your petty playbook fresh ensuring you always have new material to draw from. Opponents should expect you to have a unique petty play at any given time. Be sure to deliver on that. But as stated before, the more you play, the better you perform. Don't become a One Petty Wonder.
Petty Masters aren’t born, they’re built. After years of grueling training, the strongest of the petty pack will emerge. Try developing a brand of petty. If you’re better at silent petty, use petty opportunities to nurture your craft. Maybe you’re a fantastic wordsmith and petty banter is more your speed. Or perhaps you’re a “back-pocket” kind of person and you like to wait for revenge. Great! Bet on your strengths and play the moves you’re best at. But a true Petty Master will come out on top in the face of any style of petty. Abide by these petty principals and you’ll be a Petty Master, yet. But then again, not everyone will thrive in "pettyverse". Someone has to be Michelle.
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(See what I did there?)
