No matter where you're from or what denomination you belong to, if you grew up in the black church, we've met some of the same people. If your church is big or small, the same characters shine through. I stand by the idea that the black church is a universal experience and our roots run deep. Here are 20 characters you are sure to have met in the black church.
1. The Usher Board
Ushers literally usher you into the house of the Lord. Takes their job very seriously. Don't try to come through the door when it's closed, or they'll snap on you. Don't try to go up the middle aisle either unless you're going to the altar. Makes eye contact with you to communicate whenever you're doing something you have no business doing. You know an usher when you see them because they wear their name tag proudly. They also wear signature white gloves in which they quickly raise their index finger. If they're nice, they'll have some mints for you, if not, they won't. All that matters is that you spit that gum out, take that hat off and be on time. They won't hesitate to embarrass you. Always has a tub of fans ready for distribution.
2. The Trustee Board
In charge of the church's finances and business. The trustees always seem to be getting into it with somebody. Either works hand in hand with the pastor, or toe to toe. Makes sure offering is before the sermon so that they can slip out. Usually bougie because they start feeling themselves once they get a little power. The women always wear a slicked up ponytail.
3. The Minister of Music
Keeps the spirit flowing in the sanctuary through music. Plays the piano, directs the choir and sings all three parts of the song. Isn't married, but no one asks questions about that. May or may not be a tambourine player. At some point, takes a stab at being a preacher too. Undoubtedly anointed, he doesn't play about his music. Isn't afraid to tell you that you can't sing.
4. The Soprano Section
The AKAs of the church yard. Always in competition with the altos for who is bringing the most to the song. Will make sure you hear them; super extra. There's always one that sounds like she's singing opera. The vibrato of the sopranos is mad strong. They always have at least one member of the section who really can't hit the notes, but her pride won't let her move down to alto so you just have to grin and bear it.
5. The Alto Section
The Deltas of the church yard. The top soloist in the choir is usually an alto. But don't get it twisted. She'll will still hit soprano notes with ease when she's in full form. The alto section is the largest section of the choir. First ones to jump up when the spirit is moving and reboot the song. Gets salty when the sopranos start showing out because you won't be able to hear them. Don't even think about giving them the same part as the tenors.
6. The Female Tenor
The one woman whose voice is too deep and whose range is too low to be an alto but her voice is smooth as butter and she definitely can sing. She consistently gives Lalah Hathaway vibes. She leads an occasional song just to give throw the church a curve ball. She's super nice and great with the kids! Has more male friends than female friends. She sometimes doubles as church security. She loves the church and her faith is strong!
7. The Deaconesses
Usually married to a deacon. Always coordinates outfits on First Sunday. They also have to help with the communion and alter call. One of them is always salty cause all the others ones slip out when it's time to take the communion sheets home for laundry. Not ashamed to take the young deaconess to the side who never got the memo that they don't typically wear pants suits on First Sunday. "Okay ladies now let's get in formation…", these women form circles around those who catch the spirit and need boundaries. They also keep the "shout clothes" in tow to drape over saints that are slain in the spirit.
7. The Church Mothers
Undoubtedly the matriarchs of the church! Been at the church for at least 40 years. Has been sitting in the same seat for 35 of those years. Rocks a mean kitten heel. Always has a fly hat on. Has a plastic bag full of candies and peppermints that are exclusive to church mothers, you can't find those candies in stores. Always slips you a few dollars if you're one of her favorites. Don't be fooled though, they can be shady, but you may not catch it if you aren't paying attention. Word to the wise…don't wear anything too short or too tight around them.
9. The Lady That Always Catches The Spirit
Always sits in the front of the sanctuary and stands up for the majority of the service. Agrees with the Pastor and encourages him with sayings like "preach pastor," "say that, say that," and a few glories and amens. This church staple is known to break out into a praise break at any moment. When she's really feeling the spirit, she may do a couple laps around the sanctuary. And If the spirit is really moving "It's just like fire!!", get your oil and your blanket because she could fall out. People get irritated with her because she's the one always telling the pastor to keep going when he says he's almost finished.
10. The Associate Ministers
The Pastor's wingmen (hypemen). They work hand in hand with the pastor to make sure service goes smoothly. Usually preaches whenever the Pastor won't be in town. Always tell you to open up your mouth and give the Lord the praise He deserves, might even get mad if they feel like you aren't. Liable to fall asleep in the pulpit. Always gives a long altar call prayer. If there's an older associate minister, he preaches the same sermon every time so he'll be done by noon. Whenever they preach, the pastor makes sure to do a 15-minute recap that turns into another sermon so you still aren't getting out until 4 p.m.
11. The Sunshine Choir
The choir for the babies. Maybe called "the sunshine choir," "the sunbeams," or anything that has the word sun in it. "Holy Ground" is their signature song. Sometimes offbeat, but they're little kids so people think it's cute. You may occasionally see a disgruntled 12-year-old standing up there whose mom still forces them to sing with them. You'll also see a toddler who gets shy and either starts crying or runs away.
12. The Pastor
The face of the church. Always preaches on the importance of paying your tithes and your offerings; encourages you to give more (love offering). Tends to drag out the sermon longer than it needs to be, but nobody complains…until they go home. Always calls out the young people. Gets very theatrical sometimes, especially with the breaths he takes. Always accuses you of "not hearing him" even though you've been saying amen the whole sermon. Has several aliases, Pastor, Bishop, Apostle, Reverend, etc. Also, always wants you to turn to your neighbor. No matter what, the majority of the congregation loves their pastor.
13. The Church Secretary
Gives the church announcements. The only time she lets anyone else do the announcements is on youth Sunday. Doesn't have time for you to complain about your family member not making it into the bulletin's sick and shut in list if you wait until Sunday morning to tell her. Spells people's name wrong even after they tell her how it's spelled. May also be the chair of the courtesy committee so she welcomes all the visitors too. When she welcomes you, you better stand up and give your name and church home or she's just going to stare at you until you do.
14. The Church Gossip
Even though you go to church to hear a message from the Lord about your life, the church gossipers have a message for you about everyone else's life. Don't tell them your business unless you want the whole congregation to know. Even if you don't tell them, somehow they find out. Maybe a deaconess, mother, usher, or a soprano. Also likes to help in the kitchen with food on special Sundays so they can gossip all service. If you want to know whose children have been acting up, whose husband is cheating, or who has financial problems, hit them up. And they'll always try to clean up their gossip by saying it's in the name of prayer.
15. The Single Woman Looking For Her Boaz
Comes to church with her hair done every Sunday. Joined the courtesy committee so that she can be the first to greet any visiting men. Loves when visiting ministers come because she secretly has dreams of being a first lady. Gets annoyed whenever someone else in the church gets married because she's been living for the Lord for quite some time now and has yet to find her man of God. People have been telling her to make a move at the Minister of Music because he's not married either, but she knows there's a reason for that.
16. The First Lady
Try as the Deaconesses and Mothers might, their hats will never outdo the First Lady's. Married to the Pastor. Sits front and center every Sunday. She always has hats to match her suits and won't give up the plug on where she gets them. Tries to keep it cute, but she gets into it with the Trustees sometimes. Even though she agreed to match with the Deaconesses on First Sunday, she doesn't. Head of the Dove Ministry.
17. The Nurse Staff
Always has water bottles and tissues. Has a room for you to lay down in if you're feeling ill. First at the scene with a fan and a blanket when the lady always feeling the spirit falls out. Also has the tissues for your ugly cries when the worship gets too real. Makes sure the pulpit has water and towels. Known to have those weird candies that you can't find in stores.
15. The "Young People"
Always referred to in the service. The pastor always wants them to bring in their report cards. Gets called out all the time. May serve on the usher board, in the choir, on the praise dance team, or as a junior deacon. Whatever it is, they make sure the young people serve. May hide out in the bathroom during service. Tends to get in trouble for talking through the sermon. The pastor might send subtle jabs about staying off the phone during service directed at them, but truthfully he needs to be sending that message to the deacons. The church's main focus is to keep the young people in the church, but sometimes they try too hard.
19. The Youth Pastor
Notoriously wears skinny jeans. Usually fairly young. Tries to relate to the kids and make everything Biblical seem cool; either does a great job or fails miserably. Makes up acronyms like " Everyday we're L.I.T. – leading in testimonies." Gets a pass because he organizes lock-ins and movie nights. Claims to have saved himself for marriage even though you know he's a proud alumnus of "Outchea" University before he got right with God. Nevertheless, he lets everyone know abstinence is cool.
20. The Deacon Board
Leads devotion, none of them can sing and lack rhythm, but they love trying to lead hymns. Works hand in hand with the Pastor. May double up as a trustee. There's always that one that tells you that you look nice in an unholy way. The same lusty deacon is always eying the single woman looking for her Boaz, but she's not that desperate. Always asks people to give their testimony, but won't hesitate to cut you off if your testimony is too long.
Did we miss your favorite church character? Let us know in the comment section below who your favorite church personality is!
