One of the most common questions we’re asked during our#AskAnEditor Twitter chats is how you can boost your confidence. While yes, we all definitely have good days and bad days when it comes to confidence, we’re talking here about long-term confidence and self-esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Are you comfortable with who you are? And before you can build your confidence, what exactly is it?
According to Dr. Marci Fox, author of Think Confident, Be Confident: For Teens, “Confidence is all about believing in yourself. And when you believe in yourself, you know that you have the skills to get the job done. If you don’t have those skills, if you’re confident, you know that you can get the skills you need, or ask for help.” Asking for help is totally okay — the important part is that you understand the extent of your abilities and know when you need to call in an expert.
And we don’t have just one skill set. In fact, we are composites of multiple skill sets. Dr. Allison Papadakis, director of clinical psychological studies at Johns Hopkins University, tells Teen Vogue, “When we talk about self-esteem, we usually think about it in global terms, but in fact, the research shows that we have multiple domains of self-esteem.” We have domains for nearly every aspect of our lives: the academic domain, peer relationship domain, romantic relationship domain, the family domain, athletic domain, artistic domain, and so on. You don’t have to be good at everything — that’s impossible. But to be confident, you have to understand what your strengths and weaknesses are, and focus on improving the areas that are most important to you. The areas that are most important to you are the ones that affect your self-worth the most.
Great— but after you identify the areas you want to improve upon, how do you do that? Here are six strategies that combined are sure to boost your confidence and build your self-esteem:
1. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. A lot of how we view ourselves is based on other people’s perceptions of us, or what we think other people’s perceptions are. As a result, it’s important to surround yourself with positive people. Dr. Papadakis says, “Spend time with peers and adults who really help you to identify your areas of strength and reflect those areas of strength back to you. So that way, you get positive feedback and limit contact with people who are trying to drag you down.” On the flip side, it can be detrimental to focus too much on receiving positive feedback from other people, because then, the positive affirmation isn’t coming from yourself. If you’re not waiting for other people’s feedback — and can look in the mirror and say, “I’m awesome” — you’re also going to be a more resilient person because you’ll have the self-assuredness to deal with situations as they come.
2. Don’t compare yourself to others. “Sometimes girls get socialized into not wanting to stand out too much, and then they might start to downplay their own strengths so that they don’t stand out and feel uncomfortable in that way,” Dr. Papadakis explains. Because everyone has their own individualized strengths and weaknesses, yours are going to be different from your friends. Like we all have different body types, but are all beautiful, our skill sets also vary too.
3. Set goals for yourself. “It’s about setting an overall goal, and breaking down that goal into small manageable pieces so you’re able to achieve in steps, so you can measure progress,” Dr. Fox says. And these goals need to be concrete. Saying, “I’m going to be a better runner,” isn’t measurable, but saying, “I’m going to run a 5K” is. “And then you can feel better about achieving the goal of running a 5K. You’ll never be able to check off the box of ‘being a good runner’ because it is so subjective,” Dr. Papadakis says. A lot of motivational strategies also work to improve your self-esteem, because by accomplishing tangible goals, you’re also proving to yourself that you’re capable of exceeding expectations.
4. View situations objectively. If you failed a test, didn’t get invited to join a sorority, or didn’t get included in your friends’ dinner plans, it’s not always your fault. Dr. Fox says, “The key is to take a step back and accurately look at the situation. And so when you do that, you’re able to gather the facts, you’re able to look at alternative explanations.” One test may not be indicative of your skills as a student, maybe it wasn’t the right sorority for you, or maybe your friends thought you were busy. Don’t blame yourself for things you have no control over.
5. Give yourself some credit. Before you go to bed each night, make a list of the things you accomplished that day, Dr. Fox suggests. Maybe you aced a test, or sent in a scholarship application, or introduced yourself to that cute guy from calculus — the point is, you accomplish things everyday, and by giving yourself credit for what you do, you’re also showing yourself that you’re capable of getting things done. Next, make a list of all the things you need to do the following day, so you can set small goals for yourself and know what you’re working up to.
6. “Acceptance is key,” according to Dr. Papadakis.“Recognizing that you are where you are, and you have intrinsic worth where you are, is a really important concept.” Even though you may want to improve certain areas of your life, you also need to recognize that you’re already awesome, and as you improve you’re only getting more awesome.
