This piece is part of a 28-day series celebrating modern black love among millennials. It was created by Chuck Marcus and Michelle Nance, exclusively distributed by Blavity.
Jean and Emanuella were high school sweethearts and have been going strong for 10 years. Now, the married couple resides in Decatur, Georgia and both agree that the trickiest part about being in a committed union these days is the ubiquitous buzz of social media. How do they escape the pitfalls of endless scrolling, pressure to post, and constant digital chatter? Good old-fashioned communication.
Him: Jean | 29 | Full Stack Developer Candidate
Her: Emanuella | 28 | Business Project Senior Analyst
Relationship Status: Married, 6 Months
Q: What does black love mean to the black community?
Jean: Black love proves the black community’s existence. It provides a template of what black love can look like. Black love is an example, a symbol of how we, as African Americans, stand for one another.
Emanuella: Black love is the foundation for the black community, so it’s crucial that we do our best to sustain it so the community can flourish.
Q: Do you think there’s sufficient/significant representation of black love in media? Are you encouraged or discouraged by those you see in real life or in media?
Jean: We have great shows like Martin, maybe Fresh Prince, Good Times and my all-time favorite, Black-ish, but that’s only a few TV shows. Reality TV, in a sense, takes away from the influence that these shows provide.
Emanuella: I do not think there is sufficient representation of black love in the media, and I’m discouraged by what I see. Currently, I feel that the majority of black relationships in media are dysfunctional and can have women and men who are seeking love thinking that’s how relationships should look. Drama is what sells in media right now, so [TV] shows that do their best to show black love in a positive light can sometimes get lost in the mix. If you compare the '90s to today, you can see a huge difference in the number of shows that promote black love and a home that has both parents in the household, without a cheating husband or wife.
Q: What’s the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship?
Jean: The hardest part is not doing what most millennials do, in terms of social media. It’s easy to fall into the social media trend, but if I do, it wouldn’t be genuine. Friends ask you questions about why don’t you post her on your IG. As a millennial, there's pressure from older generations to replicate what they did. For example, being married at a certain time. Before I became “woke” it seemed that if I didn’t have a career, wife and children by a certain age that I was a failure. But I love being a millennial.
Emanuella: The hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship can be social media. Even though my husband and I do our best not to use social media as a meter of our love, others outside the relationship do, which can get frustrating at times because they’ll come back and question why we don’t display certain things on social media. In addition, social media can also become a distraction, so people in millennial relationships can often struggle with communication. I notice that people are more willing to get the opinion of their “Facebook family” versus discussing the issues with their partner, so they can get over obstacles in their relationship. Social media has made it so easy for people to get opinions and seek approval from so many people outside of the relationship. That makes it easier for people in the relationship to run from problems instead of working through them.
Q: Previous generations had clear and specific gender roles. How do you two define each other’s roles in your relationship, if at all?
Jean: We don’t have roles, in my opinion. We just have strengths. Whatever we’re good at we do, just to avoid wasting time. I honestly want to learn how to do it all so that if she needs me to do something, I can step in and do it effortlessly. I want to have that connection like two professional athletes who’ve been playing with each other for years, knowing each other’s moves and how they’ll respond to different situations.
Emanuella: We really focus on working as a team and playing to each other’s strengths, versus placing typical gender roles on each other. By doing it that way, I think we prevent each other from getting overwhelmed in doing certain tasks all the time.
Q: Do you feel pressured by your family to be with someone who looks like you?
Jean: No. My family didn’t care about who I had relations with. They just wanted me to date someone who was wholesome and was God-fearing.
Emanuella: I never felt pressured by my family to be with someone who looks like me.
Q: Are there any individual relationship struggles that you had to overcome?
Jean: My only struggle was learning how to share the workload. I’ve always been told that the man should do everything, but I'm learning that a relationship is a joint venture, and that you can conquer life’s difficulties at a faster rate if you work together.
Emanuella: I had to learn how to relinquish control and to listen more. I always felt that what I had to say was so important that I would frequently cut him off while talking. After talking with him, I learned that this was something I had to work on, and just because I relinquish some control doesn’t mean I am being submissive.
Q: What is it about having a black significant other that impacts you the most?
Jean: The fact that there is a level of understanding and shared experiences. We both have relatable stories that we can share, and that helped grow the bond we have a lot faster. [It's] the fact that I can treat a woman who shares the same skin tone as my mother.
Emanuella: He can connect with me on all levels. If I’m frustrated at work because I’m the only black woman, and I come to him to vent, I don’t have to get him up to speed about the struggles of a black woman in the workplace. We can just look at each other and know exactly what the other person is thinking and feeling about a situation.
