Over the weekend, I was having a conversation with a few of my girlfriends. I asked them the question “If you were your ideal man and you met a woman exactly like you, would you date/marry her?”

As singles, male or female, we must spend quality time working on our “areas of improvement” and refining them to get to our best selves. Healthy relationships are comprised of two healthy whole people. Health and wholeness begins with you and is reinforced by the environment. No one else is going to make you whole or complete you but Jesus! Notice I didn’t say the word perfect; there are no perfect people or relationships. Being healthy emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically, means constantly checking in and making the necessary adjustments to improve the quality of your life and your relationships.

The reality is we attract like energy. What you think and feel about yourself is manifested in your actions, choices and lifestyle. Think about this. Where do gym rats spend most their time? What do they spend most of their time doing? Who do you typically see them socializing with? Do you notice them when they are not within that element? I have quite a few fitness buffs in my circle. They are always spending leisure time working out or doing something fitness related. A lot of the people they spend time with have similar interests; especially their newest acquaintances. When they come around their “regular” friends there are noticeable differences. Maybe they get a salad instead of the nachos. They get vodka tonic instead of a MaiTai. They physically look different. Their verbals and non-verbals tell you who they are and what they are about. The same is true in the dating arena.

What you discuss, where you hang out, those with whom you socialize/your inner circle, the career path or job you’ve chosen, the hobbies you participate in, are all a manifestation of your self-esteem and self-talk. They also determine how you position yourself for your next mate. If you are looking for a mate with a giving heart, you should probably look for them in a voluntary service capacity, like doing community service. If your closest friends and family, are non-supportive, negative, competitive, dream killers, judgmental and think small, you likely believe you deserve that kind of treatment, and will manifest it within your romantic relationship — or you will seek a partner that does the same thing. And I’m sure you are thinking “I can’t change mama or daddy or sister. I didn’t pick them” or “I’m loyal to so and so; we’ve been friends forever. That’s just who he/she is.” Well that may be true, but you choose the level of influence and access that they have. Additionally, everyone that has been with us is not meant to stay with us. Bringing negative, jealous, bitter, judgmental folks along for the ride with a shotgun seat will block you from many blessings.

Sure, you can influence them with your change of habits, just like being in the presence of your health nut friend may encourage you to make healthier choices at lunch. But unless you are committed to a similar lifestyle change, you will go back to eating what you like at dinner when they aren’t around. This isn’t a "fake it ‘til you make it" thing. Not only do like energies attract, but they also deflect opposing energy. I know from experience within my social circles and in the dating arena. People can bring their representatives for a while, but eventually, they will show you they don’t fit. Also, the positive folks are unbearable for the negative Nancys and Neds of the world. Ever notice how you start out on the same level as someone, but when you have successes or advancements, they disappear, stop answering your calls, have shallow celebration for you or give backhanded compliments? Think about it.

So, I’ll ask you the questions I asked my girlfriends:

1. What about you is undesirable for your ideal mate?

Think deeper than financials, or social status. Where are you emotionally, spiritually and mentally? Are you content? Satisfied? Fulfilled? Broken? Stuck?

2. What is keeping you from being that person?

Past hurt? Lack of trust? Hopelessness? Betrayal? What have the people around (past and present) been telling you? Who hurt you? What did you tell yourself about them hurting? How can you get closure? See: https://datingwithdev.wordpress.com/2016/07/15/doing-the-work/

3. What can you do differently today, to start becoming that person?

Hint: It starts with you. Making the decision and commitment to be your best self is the first step.

Tips for becoming the person for your ideal mate:

1. Be brutally honest with yourself about where you are, your hurts and your brokenness.

If you don’t know, ask God to reveal to you the things that are holding you back and to deliver you from bondage to those things. But remember, prayer without works is dead.

2. Daily affirm the positivity of your life.

Don’t say what you don’t want, but only state what you do want. “Today I choose restoration, peace and positivity. I deserve the best the universe has to offer and I will make decisions to get me to my best self. God, help me to change my appetites and habits for the better.”

3. Weed out the bad seeds in your life. Cleanse and purge.

Ask God to help reveal the snakes and the Judases in your life and replace them with a healthier social support circle. This will be difficult at first, but practice makes perfect. Some relationships will end forever; those were the ones that were never meant to last. Some will take pauses until you are in a stronger healthier place and have created healthier boundaries. If you say 80 percent of the people in your life have hurt you, then identify the 20 percent that did not and focus on fostering more relationships like those.

4. No one likes a dreamer, a bore or a stage five clinger.

You like reading? Sewing? Traveling? Gaming? Community service? Cooking? Synchronized Swimming? Politics? Sports? Kids? Join clubs and organizations that are in alignment with your passions, purpose and interests; especially if you feel like you have exhausted the possibility of finding a mate within your current social circle. This also gives you things to do so you aren’t dependent upon a relationship, or your mate, as your sole source of companionship or entertainment.

As the old folks say “Baby, get you some business.”

5. It’s a process.

This is fluid not static. You will do this several times throughout your life, but hopefully it will be a maintenance service versus a complete reboot. So embrace the delays and the accelerations.

Therapist Dev

Writing since December 2016 · 2 stories contributed