For the first time since being diagnosed with HIV in 2007, Pose star Billy Porter is opening up about his battle with the disease. Speaking with The Hollywood Reporter, Porter said 2007 was the worst year of his life.
"I was on the precipice of obscurity for about a decade or so, but 2007 was the worst of it," he said. "By February, I had been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. By March, I signed bankruptcy papers. And by June, I was diagnosed HIV-positive."
The series of issues made it difficult for the star to speak up about his experience.
"The shame of that time compounded with the shame that had already [accumulated] in my life silenced me, and I have lived with that shame in silence for 14 years," he said. "HIV-positive, where I come from, growing up in the Pentecostal church with a very religious family, is God’s punishment."
Porter also feared that disclosing the diagnosis would mean further marginalization in an industry that already has a reputation for discrimination.
"It would just be another way for people to discriminate against me in an already discriminatory profession," the 51-year-old said. "So I tried to think about it as little as I could. I tried to block it out. But quarantine has taught me a lot. Everybody was required to sit down and shut the f**k up."
While he has been publicly silent about his battle, the Emmy-winning star has found a personal messenger in his role as the HIV-positive Pray Tell on Pose.
“I was able to say everything that I wanted to say through a surrogate,” the actor said, acknowledging that the people involved with the show didn't know he was drawing from his own life.
Porter will have more opportunities to tell his story in the coming months. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the star's memoir is set to be released later this year. A Netflix documentary about his life is also in the works.
The Broadway actor said many of the people close to the actor knew about his condition. But he still kept it a secret from his mother for a long time.
As the pandemic forced the country to shutdown, Porter had a chance to sit back and reflect on his experience.
"COVID created a safe space for me to stop and reflect and deal with the trauma in my life," he said. "Now, I’ve been in therapy for a long time. I started when I was 25, and I’ve been going on and off for years. But in the last year, I started real trauma therapy to begin the process of healing."
Therapy allowed the the Hollywood star to examine many different aspects of his life.
"I started peeling back all these layers: having been sent to a psychologist at age 5 because I came out of the womb a big old queen; being sexually abused by my stepfather from the time I was 7 to the time I was 12; coming out at 16 in the middle of the AIDS crisis," he said.
Shortly after the Hollywood Reporter feature was published, the actor took to Instagram to show gratitude for everybody who has supported him through the years.
"I want to begin by thanking you for all of the love and support you have shown me over the years. I have something very important that I am sharing with you all today. It is deeply personal and it is time," he said while directing people to the article.
The actor said he has found some relief after telling his story.
"I told them the truth because, at a certain point, the truth is the responsible road. The truth is the healing," he said. "And I hope this frees me. I hope this frees me so that I can experience real, unadulterated joy, so that I can experience peace, so that I can experience intimacy, so that I can have sex without shame."
