First things first, everything that rubs you the wrong way is not toxic.

“I think that we have moved as a culture to talk about toxicity in anything when what we really mean is we don’t like it — it’s not cool,” Oriowo told Blavity. “When I say toxic, I mean deadly. I mean, actually, someone could die. Actually, someone probably will die if this thing continues in this way.”

All toxic relationships are bad, but not all bad relationships are toxic.

“A bad relationship is maybe your partner doesn’t pay no attention to you,” Oriowo said. “Maybe they don’t like the things that you like, and they’re not willing to try. Maybe they don’t really want to talk to you very much. Maybe they talk at you rather than having a conversation with you.”

On the other hand, there are mismatched relationships where one partner just might not be what the other partner is looking for in a relationship.

“Say you are very interested in a relationship where you have a submissive partner and I’m not a submissive partner — that’s a mismatch,” she said. “Like, maybe I’m interested in an open relationship and you’re interested in a closed relationship. It’s not that I am manipulative and toxic for you or toxic. It’s just that I want something and you want something else. Right? These things are different from toxic relationships like that. A toxic relationship is y’all gonna stay together anyway. And you gonna force the other person to be what it is that you want them to be by hook or crook.”

Oriowo said that the casual use of the word toxic upsets her because as a mental health professional, she understands the literal definition of the word to be more extreme in relationships than what many mean when they say it.

“I’m looking like, everybody you meet is not a freaking narcissist and every relationship you’re in, every environment that you’re in, is not toxic,” she said. “And, I’m just like, it’s a bad environment for you, then leave. Because at the point of toxicity, it is no longer about your choice — it stops being so much about your choice. Now, people can argue that ‘oh, well, you can always make a choice to leave,’ except that it could also kill you to leave. And that means that you no longer have a choice.”

Physical abuse is one of the most obvious signs of toxicity, but it’s not the only form of abuse. There’s sexual abuse, verbal, emotional and financial abuse. If you’re experiencing any abuse, your relationship is potentially toxic.

“Often when we think about an abusive relationship, we automatically think physically abusive,” Oriowo said. “We think if someone beats on somebody else, and if there is physical, emotional or mental violence against your person, you are very likely in a very toxic relationship because nobody should be putting their hands on you. But the mental and emotional part, we don’t often get a lot of.”

Emotional abuse can look like putting somebody down, making them feel bad about themselves and humiliating them.

“And these are things that you are going to be doing on purpose, right? Like, someone accidentally embarrassing you is not the same thing as someone willfully humiliating you,” Oriowo said.

Gaslighting and isolation are other common forms of mental abuse.

“Like, if you are feeling like you are isolated from your friends, family and others, that is a sign that you could be in an abusive, toxic relationship,” Oriowo said. “And I think that one thing that we are seeing with [Blueface and Chrisean Rock], and this is not to bring it to them per se, but to use them as the example when you see that things are escalating in frequency, as well as in damage, that is also a sign of toxicity.”

When things keep going downhill, that’s a sign that you may be in a toxic relationship. 

“Sometimes it gets to a place where it’s almost trying to outdo the last fight you had,” Oriowo said. “So you have this fight where you’ll slap each other in the street and now slapping each other in the street becomes a norm. And then at some point, it’s punching each other, and then before you know it, you could be stabbing each other. So, it’s escalating — it’s happening more often. And it seems that to have gone from we say mean things on occasion to we say mean things all the time to now we put hands on each other to now we use weapons.”

While power dynamics are the way of the world, using them in a relationship to create imbalance is a sign of toxicity.

“Racism puts white over Black, patriarchy puts men over women, colorism plays light skin over dark skin, capitalism plays a person with money against a person without money, so there are all of these ways in which power shows up,” Oriowo said. “It’s not just that power shows up in your relationship because power is always going to be present, but rather how power is wielded as a weapon in your relationship. How is power being used to manipulate, gaslight and harm your partner?”

Oriowo told Blavity that this sign is one of the huge indicators that it may be time to leave a relationship.

“No matter what it costs to their mental, physical, emotional, sexual wellbeing when you are trying to exert power over them, and when you are trying to control their behaviors, as though you own them in that way, you have entered a very toxic space,” she said.

If you’re in a romantic relationship with the aforementioned characteristics, you can become hopeful that maybe things will get better. This, too, is a sign of toxicity.

“When you are in a space of constant hope, you’re hoping that your partner is gonna change, you’re hoping that something is gonna be different, you’re hoping that if you got married or if you had kids, or if you went on an expensive trip to wherever,” Oriowo said. “If you are constantly living in the hope of a better relationship, the hope of a better tomorrow, you are very likely in a toxic relationship because there’s a point where hope itself becomes toxic.”

Simply put, living in a state of hope means you are not existing in the present.

“You’re not living in the reality of where you are,” Oriowo said. “You’re living in the hope of what you will be. And where I say it becomes toxic is that your lack of awareness about where you are now, of living in the reality of your relationship can actually kill you because you’re constantly hoping that tomorrow they won’t put their hands on you or ‘oh, well, you know, I should have done,’ or ‘I could have done…’ When you’re in that loop and it’s always tomorrow will be better, but there is no actual sign of change, that is a point where hope itself becomes toxic.”

Leaving a bad or mismatched relationship is not the same thing as leaving a toxic relationship, Oriowo told Blavity.

“Toxic is both poisonous and deadly,” she said.

Walking away from potentially deadly situations requires a support system.

“If it is an indeed toxic relationship, you’re gonna need your support system, a support system that does not include them and that is not going to tell on you to them,” Oriowo said. “These usually are the people who have already been like, ‘hey, your relationship doesn’t look OK.’ These are the people who’ve probably already been checking on you and who your partner may have been wanting to separate you from in the first place. You may need to reach back out.”

The biggest thing, though, is understanding the signs and making a plan.

“The first thing is you have to recognize that there’s a problem,” Oriowo said. “If you don’t recognize that there’s a problem, then the hope that you have for solving it is a little slim. Sit down and brainstorm the solutions based on what you know about yourself and what you know about them. Because chances are, especially when you’re in a very violent relationship, you know, a lot of s**t about them. You know, the things that tick them off, you know when they’re more likely to be ticked off, you know how to make them happier, you know things about them because it is key to your survival.”

Those things, Oriowo said, would remain key to your survival when choosing to leave.

“So what you know about them and what you know about you — use that to create a plan,” she said. “Now, maybe you don’t write this plan down. Maybe you don’t put this plan in your phone. If you got a partner that likes to be checking all up in your stuff, maybe instead you send it as an email to yourself. Like, whatever you know about them, you use that knowledge to create a plan of how you can extract yourself.”

A part of your plan should include having physical support available if the relationship has already reached a dangerous level. Oriowo said having people surround you when you are packing your things is essential. However, she cautions that if things have gotten really bad, you might consider leaving everything behind and relying on your support system for shelter or transportation as you focus on getting back on your feet.

If you’ve identified your relationship as toxic, your safety and mental wellbeing should be a top priority. However, leaving isn’t easy and it could be a decision that you are struggling with. Oriowo said that while her first suggestion is to seek professional help from a counselor, she understands that access could be an issue.

“I recognize that some of those things feel very fraught, very difficult, but more than anything you should identify sources of support,” she said. “Recognizing that you’re in a bad spot with a partner and that it is not working is going to be important for your livelihood. I’m not gonna say that no toxic relationships can be reformed. I think that maybe they can, but I think that usually you’re gonna have to extract yourself first so that you can make sure that you are physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually safe.”

If you are experiencing domestic violence, please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.