Hey,
I’m sure you don’t remember this, but every year in elementary school they would hold these mini-morning breakfast events for parents, like “Donuts for Dads” and “Muffins for Moms.” For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a donut type of girl, but you were never really around. If I’m completely honest, I never really wanted to bring you. A morning full of awkward conversation and forced bonding wasn’t necessarily included in my voluntary agenda. Although it’s been well over a decade since those playground thoughts of you have crossed my mind, lately I’ve been thinking about you quite a bit. This isn’t because Father’s Day happens to be right around the corner or because I wonder how you’re doing — because I really don’t. But it seems with every passing year and the more I get to know myself, the more I’ve come to terms with the fact that a lot of who I am, I owe to you. Other than wearing basketball shorts to bed (no matter the season) and my eternal love and respect for 90’s hip-hop, there are parts of me that I have you alone to thank for.
Your absence created even more room for ample love and kindness to grow. Being raised by my mother and her mother somehow showed me a greater value of family and what it truly means to selflessly love another person. As a little girl, it was extremely imperative for me to see two incredibly strong, independent women do it all. I never needed you to show me how to throw a baseball or mow the grass, because by the time I knew my multiplication tables, I had already learned that and more from people who worked overtime and still had dinner hot and ready on the table each night. The truth is, I completely forgot about the donuts once I got to bring two moms to breakfast with me.
Beneath the sweet blossoms of care and respect grew a bitter patch of darkness and distrust. It’s (not so) surprisingly hard to open up to others when someone whose only job is to love and support a child from the day they are born can’t even show up for said birth. I never planned on being the girl with quintessential daddy issues, haunted by the stereotype of the non-existent black father, yet at the near dawn of my 23rd year, it’s impossible for me not to be blinded by my uncanny ability to subconsciously create romantic criteria based on your parental failures. Sure, I’ve thankfully become a woman who has negative patience for emotional games and misogynistic tomfoolery, but years of idealizing sitcom relationships as my only realistic romantic reference point has led me to often lower my standards to “nice and occasionally shows up.” It’s easy to say we don’t get hurt that way, but no one finds something healthy and worthwhile that way either.
Despite your award-winning disappearing act, I was lucky enough to have an entire village of role models fill your shoes. From uncles to neighbors to even my friend’s dads, I came to understand that a good man is one that genuinely goes out of his way to honor and cherish his family every single second of each and every day. Most importantly, I learned to embody the characteristics of a woman who can wholeheartedly stand on her own two feet. I know exactly what it looks like to constantly put others before yourself and to never back down from the demons just beyond the door. I have come to know that the truest love is that of a devoted and present parent.
Though absent and frequently forgotten, I am thankful for everything you have inadvertently gifted me. Leaving might have been the only thing you’ve ever done for me, but it was also the best decision you could have made. I am a graduate of one of the most prestigious universities in the country. I have friends and family who love me better than I believe I deserve. I have my whole life ahead of me to chase every dream that my young mind can conjure up. Some would say that I missed out on a normal fulfilling life due to my fatherless experience, but I think we both know that I’m not the one desperately trying to make up for lost time, fueled by fatal mistakes and regret.
I heard that you were asking about me; the answer to your question is: Everything is fine, and even when it’s not, it will be soon. It always has been.
Sincerely,
Me
