LaKeitha Poole, Ph.D., CEO and clinical director of Small Talk Counseling in Baton Rouge, La, calls the term, “strong friend” a myth; however, she identified the traits of people who are characterized under the term appear to possess. 

“They externally have it together and are often the go-to person of the friend group for a variety of reasons — easy listener, calm demeanor, nonjudgemental, genuine sound advice,” Poole told Blavity. “They’re often empaths who can actually feel unrest and brokenness in people and then volunteer their support.”

She said the pattern begins with people assuming that because the strong friend cares so much for other people that their friends and family tend to forget to care about them. 

“Not because they don’t love them or care for them, but because they're used to keeping them in the typology of the caregiver role,” Poole said. “And people assume that since they are the ones helping others that they would simply use their own advice and support themselves.” 

The strong friend could also exude strength as a trauma response. 

“You’re used to the habit of just being ever-present, ever-aware and ever-alert, but it’s actually maladapted and it’s not allowing you to ask for help,” Poole said. “And you’re not able to say, ‘yeah, I’m not having a good day,’ and be honest.”

Roxanne Deams, a licensed professional counselor and certified anger resolution therapist, said that people should only be checking in on someone if they truly intend to authentically support them.  

“A good question to ask someone that has let their guard down enough to open up, ‘How can I support you,' 'What do you need from me so that I can support you.’ It's important to be mindful that what we may need or want when we are going through things may not be the same for someone else,” Deams told Blavity. 

Poole added that one should genuinely ask someone how they are doing. 

“Really genuinely asking and then waiting for the response,” Poole said. “Doing that reach out and then once you have gotten in touch with them, be persistent and consistent with checking in.” 

Deams further noted that if you’re not interested in authentically checking in on someone, you should reevaluate your relationship.

“There’s a misconception of suicidal people having some distinct, outward expression of distress,” Poole said. “Many times a person has contemplated and decided upon a course of action and has found almost a sense of contentment and freedom in their decision, so externally they may appear very normal, even happy.” 

Deams said suicidal ideation is not often derived from unhappiness but rather concerns with finding purpose. 

“It’s not about happiness — it’s about purpose, like ‘why am I here?’ Most people think that when you are committing suicide it’s because you are not loved or you’re not getting what you need,” Deams said. “A lot of people who commit suicide don’t actually have mental health conditions — you have people who don’t like their situations and are looking for a way out.”

“It can literally happen to anybody,” Deams said. “It’s usually the ones who you least expect it from and you’ll say to yourself, ‘no, there had to have been something else happening,’ ‘no, she was doing really good in school,’ ‘she had this great boyfriend,’ ‘she had this awesome life,’ ‘there are so many support systems around – there’s no way it was suicide,’ and really, no, you just didn’t know.” 

Deams said a lot of times these misconceptions come from people assuming things about others’ lives, in part because that person may not be very open or share information.  

“There is nobody who is necessarily safe from suicide,” she said.

Poole says It’s important to notice subtle changes in your loved one. 

“If you know the person well enough to know who they are under normal circumstances when all is well, who do they present as? Recognize if they are veering too far from that for an extended period of time,” Poole said. “If you start to notice changes for a significant amount of time, that’s when you want to inquire.” 

When people fail to respond, they’re missing the signs that someone is in need of help, Deams said. 

“Even in a situation where someone is depressed one minute and then they look really happy or if they start to give away their things or begin making plans, these are signs,” Deams said.

“Resist the temptation to wallow in guilt, tie the loss of the individual to one event or think that even if you saw signs that you intervening would have changed the outcome,” Poole said. “The person you’ve lost was so much more than the way you lost them.” 

She also said that you should seek counseling and support circles. 

“You’re grieving this moment because you feel like there’s something you could have done, but you still lost this person, so had it not been by suicide there’s still a weight and grief that comes with that,” Poole said. “You can’t allow those thoughts to become a burden on you because in most cases there’s not anything that you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome.”  

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255. 

Deams suggests people check out the bevy of free resources available at Therapy for Black Girls and Clinicians of Color. 

Poole recommends the following suggested readings: ‘What’s Going on With Our Black Girls?’ Experts Warn of Rising Suicide Rates, Understanding and Addressing Increasing Rates of Suicide Deaths Amongst Black Youth and Black Youth Face Rising Rates of Depression, Anxiety, Suicide.