Let's Give Them A White History Month
It's The Least We Can Do
Every February the racist mouth breeders of the now aptly named Alt-Right (cough Nazi party of America cough) take to the Internet and their KKK barbecues and fume about the existence of Black History Month. In white Merikkka how could we possibly be expected to pause for 28 days and acknowledge the Black folks who gave us so many things? I mean have black folks really given that much to society? The Tweets come by the Klan-full, and in real time we all get to see middle aged white people lose their goddamn minds over the simple task of giving credit where credit is due. I mean I'm sure without these scientists, or you know these inventors or amazing WOC, society would totally be ok. Who needs the traffic light? No one really likes potato chips that much anyway. Open heart surgery? Psh death is imminent amirite? Blood banks, the gas mask, advances in astronomy, the goddamn microphone, surely 28 days is enough time to recognize such petty achievements. It is semi-hilarious that the person who invented the clock aka wanted us all to be able to manage our goddamn time, happened to be a POC, but I digress.
This year we got to see the Black History trolling extend to the next level when Trump changed the month's moniker from Black History Month as it has been called since it's beginnings to African American History Month, thus excluding all brown folks whose direct ancestry isn't from the Motherland. As far as Trump goes, I suppose we are all lucky he didn't erase the whole month in general, replacing it instead with idk something like Blue Appreciation Month in honor of all of the Police Officers across the country who face not only systematic adversity but have to overcome overwhelming hardships daily.
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That was hard to write.
Year after year the same debate arises from the cesspool corners of the internet. "What about uuussss?" The white folks whine. "When is ouuurrr month?" "Reverse racism hurts just as much okkk?" And so, I propose to you this: you want to end Black History Month? You want a White History Month?
Ok. Fair trade.
Hell, you can even have a long month like January.
For 31 days you may talk about whiteness and all its glory. You can have Girls binge-watching marathons. You can have days long circle-jerks about Bukowski. You can lather yourself in avocado and acai bowls and watch cat videos until you're full. You can stroke your guns and take them out for walks with your basic Golden Retrievers and New Balances. You can make mayonnaise sandwiches, and talk about how spicy Tabasco is. You can feel for the first time, publicly free to talk about how Taylor Swift's 1989 was sooooo much better than Beyonce's Lemonade. You can wax poetic about the Oxford comma while sipping on Pumpkin Spice Latte's. You can drink as many Diet Cokes your blood sugar can handle, and have froyo for lunch every day. You can eat SO MUCH SUSHI. But then, come the stroke of midnight declaring that it's February, you may not speak of any of it for the remaining 334 days.
Happy White History Month!