Adele is just like winter — she is coming, looming over the Billboard charts, ready to destroy every album released this year, and it’s ominous AF. Her upcoming album, 25, is about to go off. My girlfriend and I listened to the snippet that dropped a couple days ago and she said something that made zero sense to me. She was complaining about how she didn’t have anyone/anything to cry over, which, in her opinion, would somehow diminish her ability to enjoy the beautiful euphony that is an Adele album.

I’ve heard whispers about it, and jokes in the deepest corners of Black Twitter late at night when NSFW videos get retweeted and mass drunk DMs are sent, but I never thought that it was really true. However, upon further research, it’s become clear — MJB Syndrome is real.

MJB Syndrome, a form of self-induced catharsis, (*name pending approval of The International Classification of Diseases (ICD)) has been classified, by me, as the irrational use of real life romantic tragedy to enhance the emotional experience of music (ex. Mary J Blige, Drake, Adele, etc.). Through my study, I’ve come to find that this disorder is much more common than one would think. Even I have fallen victim to its grasp, while listening to “I Wonder” by Kanye West in my car at 2 a.m. My self-published report about this epidemic is still unfinished but here are a few symptoms to check for, so you can stay aware of your mental status — especially because 25 is ‘bout to drop (I mean, have you seen that “Hello” video?).

Spontaneous Ugly Cry-Face

It can happen anywhere that song comes on. You know that song. In the car on the way to work, in the club with your homegirls, at the grocery store during check-out. As soon as you feel it coming get to the bathroom. Nobody wants to see you like that. No, seriously. Your crying face is ugly.

Group Chat Rants about Him/Her

Maybe you’ve been scrolling through your ex-bae’s IG page while simultaneously listening to Aubrey Graham’s spoken word text stream-of-consciousness to Serena Williams. And you have a word on your spirit that you think the chat needs to read. Your fingers hit that iPhone 6S keyboard and the words come pouring out. Find the strength, hold down that circular button and turn the phone off. We don’t want to be dragged into that vortex of feels.

Unnecessary Red Wine Consumption

Yes, a glass of wine after dinner is good for your heart. But under the influence of “No More Drama,” there’s no good that can come from bottomless MJB and chill. Watch some funny vines on Twitter, educate yourself on what you need to do to find a new man/woman, quit the Apple Music app and remove it from your dock. If you don’t, you might find yourself at your ex’s apartment emptying a half-full bottle of Sangria all over the door with one of your hurt friends that was sober enough to drive.

Hopefully this has been an enlightening and educational look into MJB syndrome. Please do your best to remain in good mental health when Adele comes through with her ceiling missing, tossing out feels like Oprah gives away car keys.

Spontaneous Ugly Cry-Face

Group Chat Rants about Him/Her

Unnecessary Red Wine Consumption

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MJB

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