Like many people across the world, 2020 gave me the business. For much of the year, I kept myself grounded in the fact that nothing significant had harmed my family. We were OK. Until we weren't. Just one month after celebrating my dad's 80th birthday, a small portion of masked-up family members gathered in a cemetery to bid him our final goodbyes. Then I was hit with a montage of all the things my dad wouldn't be around for — no more birthdays, Christmas, phone calls, trips to the hardware store, or special moments, but most of all he wouldn't be here for Father's Day.
I learned everything I need to know about "Hallmark holidays" on my first Mother's Day without my mother. It was 2002 and I acted as if the day didn't exist. Even hearing the word "mom" cracked me open emotionally. I had to avoid being out in the world that day, because someone would undoubtedly, yet unintentionally remind me that I was motherless. That following month I sought to honor my dad on Father's Day, but it felt so complex. Through the pain of my mother's death, I had become hyperaware of parental loss and worried how celebrating my living father might re-break the hearts of those who no longer had dads in their lives. I ran from these emotions for 18 years until finally deciding to see a therapist.
Having a therapist is so stigmatized in the Black community, so I kept my healing at arm's length as I challenged myself to just grow through the pain. I took the counseling route, a form of therapy that works you through certain issues and provides you with the tools needed to cope on your own before releasing you on your ongoing healing journey. After three years of counseling, I set out to conquer the world armed with my new emotional toolkit. One month later, my dad died. There I was finally healing from my mother's death and boom, now I feel like a grown orphan.
But this time around my grieving is so different. I am allowing myself to feel, I acknowledge my loss, I practice self-care, I have rituals and I am so here for more therapy if I found myself needing it. Am I healed? Well, that's complicated — I am in the art of healing. I understand my wholeness is being restored on a daily basis. This restoration includes public healing by way of story sharing with others who may not be ready to walk their own paths; it's a process I very much favor.
Yet, now I face my ultimate challenge on this journey — my first Father's Day without my dad. I am not alone in this experience as I know many of you may also be embarking on your first full year without your father.
We asked three therapists how someone could navigate their first Father's Day without a dad:
1. Acknowledge the holiday
One thing I learned from my many years of pretending that Mother's Day didn't exist is that avoidance does nothing for healing. According to Viveca L. Johnson, MS, LPC, BC-TMH, CEO/Clinical Director of Forward Moving Counseling Services in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, acknowledging Father's Day allows you to honor your memories.
"Although your father is no longer physically present, the impact and love he had on your life is forever with you," Johnson told Blavity. "On this day, you can honor and celebrate that love because it is always present with you. This is a way you can find meaning even in the loss."
2. Grieve
While the idea of grieving sounds so simple, I know firsthand how incredibly complicated grief can be. Whenever someone I know loses someone they love, the healed version of myself offers only one word of advice — grieve. According to Johnson, there are five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I offer no direction in which way you should grieve, only that you should feel free to openly do so.
"These stages are not linear and can be repeated," Johnson said. "However, it's not uncommon to also feel anxious, irritable and even frustrated. Feel the emotions and honor the journey because that honors the one you loss."
Johnson also maintained that grief is an individualized journey.
"[It] that looks different for each person that embarks on it," she said. "Grief is as individualized as your fingerprint. Be patient with yourself as you walk this journey. Grief is not something that needs to be fixed; it's truly to be honored."
3. Create a ritual
Rituals are a natural part of our lives. Think about it, we often spend holidays in a particular way — Thanksgiving sitting around a turkey with our families, Valentine's Day with our boos or eating chocolates, Christmas in matching pajamas while opening presents, and so on and so forth. When we lose family members, the tradition may be altered, but a ritual can be maintained.
On individualized holidays like Father's Day, it can be a lonely thing when the very man you wish to honor is no longer in the physical being, but that doesn't exactly mean that you cannot still honor him. Meagan A. Harrison, LMSW, LCSW, who operates in private practice in Georgia, recommends a concept called mourning tasks.
"Mourning tasks encourage survivors to adjust to a world without their fathers," Harrison said. "Mourning tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, processing the pain of grief, adjusting to the world without your father and finding a way to remember him while moving forward in life. Although death is inevitable and sometimes, an external factor outside our locus of control, rituals aid in controlling our healing process."
4. Practice self-care
Self-care is highly celebrated these days and can be a helpful tool in managing your emotions. While you'll need to truly process your grief, you also need to strike a balance between honoring your emotions and honoring your limitations.
Eliza M. Belle, Ph.D., CFE, a licensed psychologist who has been operating in private practice for 15 years, recommends creating a self-care ritual.
"Grief has a way of not just consuming the mind, but the weight of the various emotions experienced through loss can also settle on the body as a burden difficult to relieve," Belle said. "Self-care is essential with regard to coping, as the 'getting through' it becomes more paramount than simply 'getting over' it. Be intentional and create routines for things that may have understandably fallen off during moments of darkness."
According to Belle, self-care can be as simple as making sure you get adequate sleep.
"Sleep may be a distant memory at this time, so scheduling opportunities to rest, do nothing or just be quiet can slowly rejuvenate a weary spirit," she said. "Practicing mindfulness, meditation, exploring creative talents, re-establishing hobbies and other activities can assist you in rebuilding how your 'new normal' will look in light of your loss."
5. Seek counseling
The journey is ongoing and while you're still settling into a new reality, you might find that professional support is necessary. If I have learned anything throughout my grieving process is that I don't want anyone to wait as long as I did to address mental health needs. Johnson, who has roughly ten years of experience working with families and individuals experiencing grief, said she has noticed people typically wait about six months to one-year post-loss to begin counseling.
"Therapy provides a space for you to process the emotions in a safe place without judgment that honors your grief journey and the life of your loved one," Johnson said. "In Western culture, most people struggle with what to say and even what to do to support those that are grieving. Therapy helps normalize the journey and supports you in finding acceptance and meaning in your grief journey."
In retrospect, I wish I would have started my journey much sooner, but at the end of the day, I am glad that I finally took my mental health seriously. This Father's Day, I intend to sit in my grief while acknowledging the holiday. I will truly honor the man my father was while uplifting his spirit and reflecting on our time together. And this will become ritual, and I'll cry — it's a part of the journey.
I wish you all the best if this is also your first Father's Day without your dad. We got this!
If you need help finding a Black therapist in your area, such resources as Therapy for Black Girls, Black Therapist Network and Psychology Today provide databases to help you.
