For many, the holiday season is a reminder of the void created by the people we’ve lost by death or choice in the year or years prior. I lost my mother suddenly last September and was thrown into a world of grieving, one with its own language and expectations from those around me. In what is now the second Thanksgiving, birthday and Christmas without my favorite person, I am still struggling to discover a healthy way to get myself through the festivities. The absence of her voice as the first birthday call I get at 11:57 the night before, my karaoke partner who hits the harder notes in Whitney Houston’s version of "O Holy Night," and my co-binge watcher of Freeform’s 25 Days of Christmas feels even more unbearable as the reality of her death settles in. I have the desire to preserve our traditions and infuse them with new ones that reflect what my life looks like today, but grief never comes alone, generally bringing along depression and anxiety.
Similar to others who try to find meaning in the absence, I survive by keeping her alive through the passions we shared. My mother wanted to be a writer and left me two manuscripts to publish on her behalf. I created a company to accomplish that and also published a book of poetry in honor of her. I am also working on a fund to offer scholarships to minority high school seniors interested in pursuing the arts in college, gifting them with the opportunity to carry out a dream my mother didn’t get a chance to pursue until what became her last living days.
But, there are the days when I can’t make it out of bed, crippled by the harsh reality of her absence. For those days, I have slowly developed three ways to remain productive and living through my grief. Three ways I plan to utilize to get through the holidays this year and share in hopes of helping you through, too:
1. Take advantage of the "easy" days.
My village knows that I divide my life between the “hard” and “easy” days. The easier days are the ones where I am encouraged by my promise to her to keep going. I make the best of these days, dusting off my to-do list and getting through as many things as the day allows.
2. Plan ahead for the "hard" days.
I also use the easy days to prepare for the harder days. Often times, people who are grieving, or suffering from chronic depression, can almost sense it coming. I have a routine for those days. Personally, I read a poem my mother wrote for me, and I journal through the emotions I can describe. I have a playlist if I am in the mood for music, and I stored my food order in a few restaurant websites so I literally have to click a button to avoid starving. Lastly, I have a code word I text my best friend so she knows to check on me, but not expect too much of me as I learn to swim through the waves crashing into me again.
3. Offer myself grace. And then a little more.
I often feel like I am living both in the past and present, and some days I only want to live in the past. On those days, I give myself a break. I accept that grieving is a journey, one with its own timeline. So I offer myself a pass to remember my life with my mother, and feel the pain of void and eternal loss.
I am still learning to live with my grief. I am learning to give it a home alongside living my life to the fullest the way I know my mother would want me to. I share to remind you that you are not alone on your journey and I hope this can help you through the holidays too.
