This piece is part of a 28-day series celebrating modern black love among millennials. It was created by Chuck Marcus and Michelle Nance, exclusively distributed by Blavity.
Her: Yanique | 33 | Media Director
Him: Rondel | 33 | Marketing Executive & Content Creator
Relationship Status: Together 6 Years, Married 1 Year
During their freshman year at Temple University, Yanique and Rondel met through a mutual friend, and immediately a friendship was born. Seemingly opposites, Rondel focused on business school with a clear trajectory towards a booming career and a 401K, while Yanique began college undecided and bounced between majors in her early years. But the two actually had more in common on a deeper level. Post-graduation and still on the market, they both connected at a Temple gathering in Harlem, where things went from friendly to a possibility of love. As irony would have it, while in college, Yanique semi-jokingly proposed the idea that if they weren’t married by 30, that they should marry one another; at 30 Rondel knew it was time to make her his wife and popped the question. The two are now building a home and life together in Brooklyn, laced with magical moments of jet-set.
Q: What does black love mean to the black community?
Rondel: I think black love is the foundation of the black community. In today’s climate, a lot of people are under the impression that it’s not important, like you can live with it or without it. That goes for love in general, but it’s the foundation that a community is built on. Without it, we don’t have a future.
Yanique: Think about how they treated us in slavery. They would remove the man from the household and break that structure. And now, here we are where some people don’t see that value because they never came from a two-parent home. We went to Temple University and they had a really great African American studies curriculum. We were privy to learn about so many aspects of African American culture, and one thing that always stuck out to me is that the masters would always break up the home. I’ve found power in a home that was together. I just think that, similar to what Ron said, it is the foundation. I think of grandparents and their strengths, and I think about how people had so many hard times and they chose to stick through it together. I think about the Civil Rights Movement and how it started in the home and people expanded out with it. Even when you walk in the community you say "hi" to your neighbors. I work in a predominantly white corporation and when I see another black person, we speak.
Q: Do you think there’s sufficient/significant representation of black love in media? Are you encouraged or discouraged by those you see in real life or in media?
Yanique: I think it depends on what media you consume. No judgement on anyone who does, but I don’t watch reality television. I don’t know some of these Love & Hip Hop type of relationships. I watch a lot of scripted TV. It’s not until the red carpets or interviews when you see those actors showcase their significant others. For instance, Viola Davis and her husband, or Sterling K. Brown and his wife. I think that he’s opening doors for a lot of people, but more so, I like the imagery of him and his wife. It’s not just the fact that she’s a brown skin, natural woman, it’s also the fact that he has such a great relationship with his onscreen wife and the two women have a great relationship. To me, how much he respects both women is telling. As his star is rising, the wife could feel insecure, but she’s always right by his side cheering him on and he makes sure to thank her. That’s encouraging to me.
Rondel: I think the imagery of black love in the media is growing, but I feel like there was a long span of time when you didn’t see it at all. From 2000 until about five years ago, you saw no black families or relationships on TV. I grew up watching all those black '90s shows. I think in the past few years, with independent media rising, we’re taking that narrative back. It was never discouraging when I didn’t see it on TV because I had it in my surroundings. But for people who look for that elsewhere, it’s very important to have that represented properly in media. If you’re not fortunate enough to have that in the household with you, and represented through friends and family, then where do you see it? Where do you get the example of, "this is what it could be like"? You have to aspire towards something.
Q: What’s the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship?
Yanique: Not my struggle, but I think social media has hurt the mating process. There’s so many distractions and people feel like they need to curate their lives, so you’re not getting the organic person. Also, people don’t know how to communicate anymore. The organic way in which people used to speak, people don’t know how to do anymore because they’re used to using emojis and text messaging. They don’t know how to navigate awkward pauses or keep a conversation going when they are on dates.
For instance, if a male is used to constantly swiping left and right when he sees photos of females, when he goes out and sees a bomb chick, he doesn’t know how to approach her. Back in the day, men had to go to the mall with a pen. Now people are just getting those “what you doing” texts.
Rondel: I do think it’s rooted in social media and how images are portrayed there that are not real.There are filters and tools for editing that makes everyone look like their best selves. A lot of guys I know who are single follow the “Instagram Girls,” and they look at that all day then go out and nobody’s comparing to that. The truth is, those girls don’t even compare to that because that’s not even how they look. Everybody’s been bamboozled by Instagram. It’s just understanding reality and appreciating natural beauty, because you’re so used to hair, skin and waist being perfect that when you meet someone in real life, you’re just like, "Oh. She’s cool."
Also, distractions. Think about life in general. You just had way less distractions back in the day. Back then, the biggest thing you had to do on Saturday was go to the mall with the pen in your pocket, bag a girl, go home and talk to your boys. Now it’s like stimulation everywhere. Especially in big cities.
Q: Are there any individual relationship struggles that you had to overcome?
Yanique: I’m an extremely independent person. I tell Rondel — I don’t think he even believes me — that marriage wasn’t even a part of my life plan. I thought I would be that fly auntie who travels the world and comes back with gifts for the kids. I love to bounce around, but then he scooped and that was a wrap. I realized I can’t just move how I want to move at all times. I have to do the check-ins. I had to do the work. Early in our relationship he was like, “You just go and just expect people to follow you, huh?” I had to take into account his feelings and desires. I’m still independent, but he is part of me so I have to keep him in mind when I move.
Rondel: For me, because I was on my own for a long time, I was so used to not having to share what was on my mind. When you’re casually dating, it’s very surface level, but when we would spend time together and two hours goes by and she’s wondering what’s going on, it took me a while to realize that was part of the relationship — that I have to share deeper things. That’s still something we work on. There’s still times that I wonder why she’s asking me. But then I remember we’re a unit and I should share so that she feels included. I had to just learn how to share more of myself.
Q: Previous generations had clear and specific gender roles. How do you two define each other’s roles in your relationship, if at all?
Yanique: This can be controversial to more conservatives, but what helped us define our roles was living together while we were dating. It helped us find our stride and who can do what better. We have a great symmetrical relationship. People think that’s 50/50, but that’s not the case. That means whenever there’s a power shift, it’s shifted equally. Sometimes it’s 70/30, but it shouldn’t [consistently] be that way on one partner more than the other. It’s a constant pull, tug and give. I personally cook, that’s my wheelhouse, but he has to clean the dishes. I’ve always been really good at cleaning the bathroom. We’re both bosses in our own right, we’re both “bringing home the bacon,” but it’s a matter of when we’re in this house, who’s doing what. He takes me on a lot of great trips, and I like to shop, so I buy clothes for him.
Rondel: I think we both came into it with a similar mindset, that we’re both contributing to different things in the house. That’s probably because of the way we were raised. I think it’s a lot of pressure to put all that on the woman and expect her to work. Maybe the dynamic would be different if she were a stay-at-home wife, but when both people are working, you can’t expect a woman to cook, clean and everything else under the sun. Early on, we figured out what we both don’t mind doing, and whatever was left, we just divided it up. Nobody wants to take out the trash, especially in New York — it's cold. But I decided that was my thing.
Yanique: Praise God.
Q: Do you feel pressured by your family to be with someone who looks like you?
Yanique: No, but I think it’s almost a given. It’s something so engrained and conditioned that a black woman will be with a black man that we won’t go outside the race. Meanwhile, I have a brother and my mother would say to him, “Please try to bring home a black woman.” It’s almost like a plea. Historically, black men are more prone to go outside.
Rondel: Yes. Not pressured, because I've liked black women from early, but my mother was like, “Boy, don’t come in here with no x,y,z.” But it wasn’t pressure because I liked black women.
Q: What is it about having a black significant other that impacts you the most?
Yanique: That someone can understand exactly what I’m thinking, feeling and going through when something happens in the world. Everyday going into work, I deal with microaggressions and I power through it. But let’s say there’s something that really rocks the world, I can just come inside the house and give him a look and he knows. I’m not saying you won’t get that kind of empathy and sympathy with another race, it’s just a matter of me knowing he knows instinctively what I’m going through.
Rondel: The part of it that’s important for me is that the connection to me is a little different. There’s a history and an understanding in the way we approach life as black people. Having that commonality of being black and dealing with things a certain way. I also think that black women ride for black men, and it drives me wild when black men don’t understand and reciprocate that. You can date whoever you want, but people who down black women for whatever reason, it’s like, are you serious? These women have our backs, fronts, sides in whatever situation. Not to mention, they’re bad!
