This piece is part of a 28-day series celebrating modern black love among millennials. It was created by Chuck Marcus and Michelle Nance, exclusively distributed by Blavity.
Her: Aisha Johnson | 29 | Self-care writer, model, blogger
Him: David Frisbey | 33 | Strategy Consultant
Relationship Status: Dating | 2 years
On the day Aisha and David met they had both planned to be in different places with the friends who brought them together. They’d been told about one another, it was suggested that they meet, but little did they know it would happen one fateful day over brunch.
The next week they went on their first date and the rest was history, the connection was automatic. It was if they just knew, and have been connected as a couple and as friends ever since.
Now, the couple resides together in New Jersey and look forward to continuing to grow their effortless bond.
What does black love mean to the black community?
David: I believe that black love strengthens the black community, we bring the best out of each other and challenge each other to be better. We both understand the challenges that we go through and having that connection allows us to be our best selves.
Aisha: Black love is just so beautiful and I feel a lot of what used to be portrayed in the media was broken black homes and it’s good to see that back in the media with couples we look up to, public figures. Seeing black unity come together again is really nice.
Do you feel the media has steered away from portraying the broken black family?
Aisha: I think that it’s getting better these days, we’re seeing more representation through shows like This Is Us. We have Barack and Michelle. I feel there are more representations out there, it’s not as prevalent as we'd like but there is an effort being made to show more black love.
David: I think displays of black love help young people form better relationships when they get older. I think everyone goes through a level of identity crisis at some point in their life especially young black kids trying to matriculate, trying to figure out where you fit in. Trying to form relationships, especially relationships with the opposite sex. Having displays of black love helps us form better relationships.
Who do you look to as a healthy relationship to emulate?
Aisha: Definitely friends because we both come from single-parent homes which is funny because prior to dating him I’d dated a few different people in NY and I said the guys who are willing to commit have both parents at home, which was obviously a stereotype.
We both come from single parent homes so it wasn’t something we grew up on but it’s great now. He’s a little older than I am and has a lot of friends who are married or married with kids so seeing that representation through his friend group; it's helpful and has been useful in our relationship.
David: I’ve watched them go through that process of dating, to when they got engaged, to married, to having their first kid, some even having their second kid. Witnessing that, I feel comfortable looking at that as a beacon example of black love and what black relationships should kind of be.
I like to see that even though they have families they still make time to do date night and have nights out with friends and pursue personal goals. I have a friend who’s married, just bought a house, with a kid and another on the way and still finds time to DJ, with a full-time job. Seeing that helps me see that even though you have a family it’s still important to make time for yourself and your relationship.
You look on TV and see Barack and Michelle, LeBron and his wife but I don’t know them, we don’t know what’s real. Having people I’m close to who I can see first hand and see what they’re actually going through helped me find perspective in my own.
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How did you know you were ready to commit?
Aisha: From day one we hit it off, everything flowed and it was just easy. Prior to that ,for me personally, when I was dating everything was up and down. We just settled into that spot of being together and we just were together. We don’t have a specific day when he took me on a nice date and gave me flowers and said “will you be my girlfriend?"
David: We honestly consider our anniversary to be our first date because we don’t have that day where we can say this is the day we were in an exclusive relationship because it was completely seamless from the time we went on our first date to the time we started living together.
Aisha: We have a real connection and a good strong friendship and a mutual love for each other.
David: For me it was very different because she had been through a couple relationships and I hadn’t dated anyone for a very long time. The fact that I was really willing to jump two feet in with this person let me know that this was someone I genuinely cared about and wanted to build a relationship with.
What would you say is the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship in today’s culture?
Aisha: Comparison culture and social media. I feel like our generation lives in comparison culture. We expose so much of our lives. We take in some much of other people’s lives; as humans we are made to compare ourselves to other people. With being able to see other couples traveling all the time, getting engaged and having wonderful engagements — I was just looking on my Instagram timeline and there was this crazy beach engagement between this black couple.
David: Guy brought the flamethrowers and everything.
Aisha: It was amazing but it was insane. If I wasn’t the type of person who knew realistically the dynamics of our relationship and I was constantly trying to emulate something else I would feel a way about that if I didn’t have that grand of an engagement. Because we’re in a society where we compare ourselves and expose a lot of ourselves to others it makes it difficult to not go home and say why haven’t we been to all these countries together, why don’t we have a big wedding? It’s something that we have to be mindful of and manage consistently in our own relationships.
David: As millennials we take more time to find our own paths in life versus our parents and it makes it a little more tricky to find someone who’s going down the same path as you and who is on the same timeline as you because we’re willing to take more time to do that rather than quickly jump in, get married, have kids and buy a house the way our parents generation did.
I think millennials give up too easily.
David: I think you have to be honest with yourself. I was a very stubborn person. Little pet peeves would bother me and I would move on. We met at the perfect time. Mentally I was in a spot where I was ready to make a serious effort about being in a relationship so even those small pet peeves, I would say maybe it’s not that bad because I really wanted to build something. I knew that I liked her from the door so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being in my own head about things and allowed this relationship to actually happen.
Aisha: He wasn’t on social media when we met. Old Aisha would have been like “oooh, he’s not in the mix?”
David: I was never really into it.
Aisha: Seeing that level of maturity in him and coming to that level of maturity myself I was able to be open to him.
What are your expectations of marriage?
David: I expect that we will continue to build on this foundation we’ve started. It’s not like you get married and that’s it. You have to continue to put in that work and build that bond. It’s like I said, one of the things I’ve noticed from my friends who are married is that they continue to make time for their relationship and time for their friends even with families, careers and houses. They make the time because it’s important. It’s not a process that stops, it’s a continuous journey.
Aisha: Even though we live together I think that with marriage comes building a foundation, a legacy and becoming a unit whether that’s through merging your finances or picking a place where you two are going to have your forever home, how many kids you’re going to have. You are taking each other into account and a majority of the decisions in your life moving forward. With marriage comes more responsibility, care and effort.
David: This will be a strong legacy, let’s speak that into existence!
If you could describe love in one word what would it be and why?
David: Vulnerability, I think in order to love someone and for that person to love you you have to be vulnerable and that means you have to be open and transparent about everything. I’ve had this conversation with a lot of my black male friends because a lot of us aren’t taught to be vulnerable about our emotions, whether it’s dealing with depression or anxiety we are not taught to be vulnerable. That’s why I think finding strong black relationships is a little difficult. To truly love someone and allow that person to love you, you have to open up about everything. That’s something I’m working on myself because I want this to last.
Aisha:
Compassion, because in a relationship you can’t just be in your own head, heart and mind. You have to open yourself up to understanding how the other person feels in each and every situation. That goes hand in hand with compromise in certain situations. As he said, black men aren't really open and vulnerable and as a black woman sometimes I’m very forward and outright and I have to understand that men have feelings too and you have to talk to them and talk to each other a certain way and have a level or respect that even makes the other person want to open up to you. If you’re not compassionate, why would they want to open up to you? I think in a relationship you have to remember you aren’t the only person who matters.
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