We all have that one girlfriend; the serial monogamist who would rather walk off of a cliff than be single for more than a few weeks. We don’t want to say anything, but we know that this unhealthy pattern is potentially deeper than simply indiscriminate dating. We ask ourselves, "is she just great at finding guys that she likes but it always falls through?", or "is she emotionally and romantically bereft seeking asylum in the arms of any man who smiles in her direction and serenades her with Drake lyrics?"

Unfortunately, the latter is quite common and often results in a slew of dead-end relationships to the tune of “I’m just not ready” and “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” or the complete Casper the asshole ghost.

The problem, as I see it, is one of emotional capacity. We all have a certain amount of emotional capacity, some more than others, to spend on different aspects of our lives. Some of it is spent on family and friends, some is spent on work, some is spent on our past dealing with damage that was never entirely addressed. And of course, a healthy relationship requires a great deal of emotional capacity; to think, to feel, to hurt, to smile when you don’t feel like smiling or sit back and ride when you feel like driving. ("Confessions, Pt. II" lyrics are timeless).

If after crazy family members, emotional friends, rude coworkers, and childhood trauma you have enough emotional capacity to dedicate to a strong committed relationship, by all means, have at it and invite me to the wedding if there’s an open bar. However, many people get into relationships with too little emotional capacity to dedicate to their partner leaving them neglected. Or, they are seeking to use up someone else’s who may not have enough for them and the relationship.

Now, what does this have to do with black men in particular? I’m glad you asked. Black folks are operating in a society that sucks up a dangerous amount of our emotional capacity. I don’t know about you but for me, white supremacy is way harsh and a massive energy suck. Sometimes I’m like ‘today I got time’ and others I’m like ‘just cancel America.’ Either way my emotional capacity is typically as dry as a winter without cocoa butter along with anyone else who is even remotely woke.

And, if I’m being totally honest the brothers can be particularly problematic; and based on Google and my Facebook feed, my gripes are not exclusive to me. They include but are not limited to the following:

• The preference for the Eurocentric image of beauty as seen in the way certain non-black features are fetishized (preferences can be conditioned bruh).
• The higher propensity to date, marry and procreate outside of their race relative to black women (see bullet one for more detail).
• The structure of sexism itself rampant in American society that seems particularly contentious for black men to confront (I won’t argue).
• The inability to cut through toxic masculinity and show or articulate emotion.

Let's be clear, some of these are not exclusive to black men and us black women have our particular issues too. And, there is nothing inherently wrong with black men, but there is everything wrong with the way this society has treated them resulting in a pattern of foolery I am absolutely not here for.

Don't get me wrong, if I do decide to get married, which is a phrase I’ve only ever heard uttered by black women, I’m 97.4 percent sure it will be to a black man. I don’t have the patience to explain why my hair mysteriously went from 18 inches of silky Brazilian beauty to 4 inches of curly 4C magnificence overnight. Or, when I say “I’m here for it” I’m not necessarily physically going to be here for it. I don’t need that in my marriage. However, my imaginary bf/husband and I will be dealing with some emotional capacity problems, not to mention the many issues that come with being a black man that will creep their way into the relationship requiring a super pack of additional emotional capacity to deal with.

So, until I get to a place where I’m strong enough to deal with family, friends, work, the memory of hot comb burns, Blue Magic grease, police shootings, President Trump, structural racism, Flint’s water, colorism, sexism, Kanye West, Jay Z cheating, Last Chance U failures, food deserts, and menstrual cramps all at the same damn time, I will be over here working on me and my emotional capacity because I know I don't have enough to add a man to the equation.

Of course, there are times in a relationship where you can lean on one another especially when coping with issues of race and racism. 2 negatives do make a positive (shout out to my math teachers). But dealing with individual internal torment and self-care has to be a priority before stepping into the emotional space of another person especially when that space is as tight as it typically is for black people. We can be friends but I gotta love y’all from a distance at the moment.