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Hearing what Black women in their 50s say about real intimacy in dating and relationships is a jaw-dropper and a possible “how to” manual for the future. The mature candidness mixed with the innocence of those who love a world that certainly hasn’t always loved them is intriguing and inspiring for the younger generations. The biggest take-away is that success in dating over 50 is not about exchanging sex for security, doesn't concern itself with making the best lemon cake or banana nut bread, and doesn’t occupy a space devoid of reality as others might imply. It’s not delusional!
The dating and relationship connection for Black women over 50 doesn’t have a blueprint, a course or a TV channel. If it did, it would be similar to one with Suze Orman, Chris Hogan and Michelle Singletary — the investment channel. Assuredly, there's a different perspective, but they all say the same thing. You have to make an investment in order to get a return — no matter when you start! If anything, the more gold in your years, the more investing you may have to do in your communication, honesty and creativity pot.
Developing quality dating experiences does not include thinking a partner will be emotionally available when football season is over — only to realize the seasons are never-ending. Football protrudes into basketball which finishes at the start of baseball. “This too shall pass,” says the wise, until realizing that baseball season encompasses soccer, overlaps with year-round tennis and returns us to football. Spectator sports are a beautiful part of life for men and women, but existing on the sidelines of a relationship is not for women over 50. Their life experience demands that they be in the game, and playing their best with a partner who is, too!
In the 50 age-bracket and beyond, dating is no longer youthfully imitating a celebrity lifestyle. This may have been an enjoyable dating anchor for those in their younger years. However, for the golden year counterparts, stilettos and compromising financial positions are not relationship builders. It's more like quicksand swallowing an inquisitive furry animal who failed to prod the marshland for safe passage.
An evening out enjoying a few martinis no longer changes the perception of a budget bungalow into a penthouse suite, enhances intellectual and esthetic appeal or turns a night at the beach into the French Riviera. Our over 50 squad doesn't have to be enamored by each activity or every word, but they definitely have to like and respect their partners when sober or not.
From those approaching from a spiritual perspective, it's beneficial if the dating and relationship experience over 50 is in alignment with many of the core principles of integrity and gratitude. Most spiritual doctrines are advocates that a positive dating and relationship experience can reduce pain, enhance peace and reestablish balance through benevolence and joy. There is so much that is said about the favorable effects of healing through spiritual guidance, coaching and the love of friends and family for the younger dating groups. However, the importance of these support systems for the older equivalents, in their mid-to-later years, is significantly underestimated or just overlooked.
In many arenas, women dating over 50 are still often seen as the complete antithesis of love and balance restoration. In fact, it is often viewed as advertisement for the development of mental and physical health challenges. There are few, if not many, books, movies and TV shows based on the premise that women dating in their later years will be subject to abuse, fraud, betrayal and possible death. The women depicted as these characters are not suffering from dementia as one might expect. They are in their right mind and living productive lives. Interestingly, a woman of sound mind over 50 who is seeking a rewarding dating and relationship experience is portrayed as being deluged in low self-esteem, loneliness and desperation with an inability to thrive and overcome normal life challenges and traumas faced by everyone.
Fortunately, we are moving confidently in an era where we, as women, define our dating and relationship involvement at all ages including our 50s, 60s, 70s and above. Yes, I'm excited to say that I personally know women who are dating in their 80s and pioneering trails for healthy, safe and meaningful experiences while tearing down ageist misconceptions. The 60s are not the new 50s or the new 40s. The 60s are the new 60s and the 70s are the new 70s. The world's view from the millennials to the baby boomers to the silent generation is being implored to expand one experience at a time as we continue to define ourselves and set new boundaries while dismantling old limits.
The ante has been upped in our 50s. The challenge is to listen with compassion and judge sparingly, if at all. For some, it's not to get the new confused with the old — respecting that "Judy" is not “Janet," and "John" is not "Joe.” The focus has changed. The paradigm has shifted. If we bring all of our wisdom to the table, it becomes easy to leave any mistakes at the door. We know in our hearts we will be watched and sometimes misrepresented for years to come, and it's up to us to ignite, empower and build our new legacy of love.
