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As A Sexual Assault Victim, Here’s What I'm Doing To Break Free From My Chains

An ode to victims of sexual assault.

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Being free is being able to release the chains of your past. It’s so important to recognize what those chains are that hold you back from being the truest representation of yourself. A lot of the time, the chains that are holding us back from our greatness are chains that have been imposed on us by others. A lot of the time, we are blinded by the fact that these chains exist because we are so used to lugging them around. When we aren’t able to pay attention to the small components and pieces of language that people can impose upon us, we don’t recognize it as us being bound by what they project onto us. These chains, however, are self-imposed, because we are allowed to pick and choose what we allow to hold us back.

The thing about it though is that no one has ever explicitly taught us that.

Yes, we can ignore or refute when someone completely steps out of line with us and it doesn’t align with our own personal truth. But, what about when certain actions that happen to us trigger us to become paralyzed and completely forget about who we are and what actually matters to us at our core? When we are frozen and forget to realize who and what our true selves are? There are sometimes experiences that we all go through that hinder us from being able to loosen ourselves from what is holding us back; the reason why we stay underwater, drowning and confused, is because no one ever has taught us how to heal and move past the traumas that we have experienced.

Now, I’m not about to sit here and act like I’ve been paying attention to the news like a hawk. I know bits and pieces about what’s going on in regards to our political climate. But there has been a reason why I have taken somewhat of a step back from social media and all of the hysterics that have been going on:

  1. I can’t believe this is the world that I am living in, and this is the reality of the country that I call home.
  2. I identify with those brave souls who have spoken out and spoken up for those who have had to remain voiceless, and I haven’t completely worked through my own trauma and mindset when it comes to these situations.
  3. Even though I have a background in international studies and took political science courses (and I should be more well-versed and into these topics), they legit take me to a lower frequency than where I want to be.

With that said, I want to focus on number two right now. I salute those that have come forth to speak about their experiences with assault and standing up against those that have done wrong by them. As someone who has experienced being sexually assaulted by men three times over the course of my life, I never realized how much it has affected me in my adulthood, and also the importance of releasing that trauma and lovingly letting that bulls**t go. The idea of freedom from those chains has been something that has haunted me my whole life.

They have made me believe that I’m not worthy enough to be with someone because I’m only looked at as a playtoy.

They have made me believe that I am only someone that is looked at as having something pure, and that purity is something that is wanted to be taken from me regularly by strangers.

They have made me somewhat unable to feel like I can connect with someone on a sexual level and actually sustain that level of sexual fervor with them. I mean, I 'm a scorpio, and you would think that by what society says about scorpios I would be out here sucking and f**king, but that’s not the case.

I actually have been traumatized by all those assault experiences, and have never had the ability to confront those that have violated me in a variety of ways.

And I never will truly have the opportunity to. I figured just erasing them from my life was the best way, or legitimately not being able to contact these people, because I don’t know where they are and I can’t verbalize to them the impact they have had on me as an adult.

These are reasons why I respect any person who can speak about their sexual trauma and actually have the balls to confront those that have wronged them. Those that can actually own the fact that they have been a victim of being violated, and own the fact that they will not let that person keep them bound by their potential self-hatred or confusion when it comes to thinking about and loving who they are.

Those experiences in my life completely changed how I view every relationship I have and make me second guess who I let into my life in any way — I always feel like people want something from me, and that’s not fair to everyone. Yes, my past helps shape my current and then bleeds into my future, but it’s also something that I can’t hang over everyone’s head. One thing that I have learned through all of those experiences is that when my vibration was completely not on the frequency it is now, I was blind and naive, and I still don’t blame myself for that. I blame the other person for seeing someone who was pure and doe-eyed. And even though my words may have said one thing, the people who were responsible for said assaults were facing their own demons that they obviously forced onto me.

I can’t do anything but lovingly release them and that trauma from my life. Now, I’m not saying I’m healed in any way just because I’m writing this. I’m still working through this and my truth, like many survivors of assault do. I’m just at a place right now where I refuse to continue to be silent about it and act like it didn’t happen, or believe I’m weak because of it.

Yes, I’m a victim of repeated sexual assaults. Yes, it has had an affect on how I live day to day and how I show up regularly in my relationships. Yes, I have had to learn the hard way compared to others in some instances, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I lovingly release the hate and the anger I’ve had towards those that have hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally. There is no gain in hanging onto dead weight. It takes a wise person to realize that and move on accordingly. I’m choosing to do that, and I salute and support all those that are still enduring that battle.

It takes a warrior to fight for their dreams, and not let boulders block blessings. I choose to be, and have always been, a warrior. I free myself from feeling like anything less than.

I encourage you to release the chains that have held you back, love.

Release the chains of feeling like your body isn’t good enough for someone else, that your status may make you feel like you’re less than someone else. Release the chains that have held you back from allowing yourself to be magic, that have held you back from telling you that your greatness isn’t good enough.

Let me be the first to tell you that you are a star. You are light. You are magic. You are revolutionary. Step out onto the stage, and don’t let anything hold you back from what you deserve, b*tch.

You’re fighting the good fight. Continue to do such.

Amen. Asé.

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