I imagine that walking this metaphorical tightrope feels a lot like walking an actual tightrope. You are acutely conscious of every move you make, and there’s always the fear in the back of your mind that you might fall.

One of the places I’ve felt the tightrope the strongest is through my educational journey and in the corporate world. Many people don’t expect me to be in the position I am. I can’t even count the number of times in which someone has assumed that one of my (white) team members is my boss instead of the other way around.

It has happened enough times to know that it is no accident. It is because of what they perceive when they see the color of my skin. These individuals may not consciously think Black people aren’t leaders, but that is nonetheless the bias they are operating from, and I am reminded of it in dozens of small ways. I try to not take it personally, but it’s hard not to. How do you mentally cope with knowing that so many people around you think you don’t belong? Self-doubt naturally creeps in.

That self-doubt is intensified by the fact that, as a person of color, you are evaluated at a different standard. Where others are given the benefit of the doubt, I must prove myself — or more accurately, I must constantly disprove people’s assumptions and biases regarding me. If another colleague makes a mistake, it’s just a mistake. If I make a mistake, it’s a reinforcement of people’s conscious or unconscious racist beliefs about me.

It often feels like there are people waiting for me to slip and fall. So I carefully weigh every decision. If I say X or do Y, how will it be taken? Will it come off too aggressive? Too weak? Will I seem arrogant, or not confident enough? Will they think I’m smart and taking initiative, or overstepping my pay grade?

It’s like a chess game in which you analyze every single thing you say and you do. How you style your hair, how you dress, how you speak, how much emotion you show. Every day, in every conversation and interaction, there are thousands of calculated decisions I must complete in nanoseconds.

And I have to get these decisions exactly right. I can’t dress too casually, or I’ll be perceived as unprofessional or even “thuggish.” But I also can’t wear a too-expensive suit, or people will think I’m vain and putting on pretentious airs. Cognitively and emotionally, it’s exhausting.

This tightrope extends beyond the workplace too. Anytime I am navigating a white space — which is most spaces in America — I am walking a tightrope. When I interact with neighbors, when I am in the presence of women, when I am pulled over by a police officer, I am aware of my Blackness, and I tiptoe across the tightrope, trying to conform and fit into a world in which I’m viewed as different.

D. John Jackson

Writing since February 2022 · 1 story contributed