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Recently, I began my quest in learning what my peers are defining as the “independent millennial woman.” To my surprise, although many of the responses differed, one comment remained the same: “She doesn’t need any man to take care of her and pay her bills.”

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here begins the fun. I want to dissect this comment, add some spice to it and explore some of the core relationship issues our generation seems to be facing today. It saddens me that when a man or woman thinks of a woman being independent in her own right, that this should equate only to monetary value. There are other phases of independence, such as an independent mindset or an independent body. But what seems to be common in our generation is our need for monetary survivorship outweighing our need for genuine love and companionship.

We place a dollar value on everything, and now more than ever, “independent women” are finding themselves single, settling or simply put, tolerating bulls**t. Why is this? Because if she is too diligent and earns a substantial income, then she is a threat to her male counterparts. If she is low-income but “fun” and can entertain the mind of a boy rather than a man, then she is worth spoiling momentarily. They all want an independent woman until they realize they must step their game up to entertain her. This is where we separate the men from the boys.

Do I consider myself an independent millennial woman? The short answer, yes. But rest assured this is not because I am financially stable or with the snap of a finger can sign my name on the dotted line for a new Porsche. No, I am independent because my mindset is different. Also, I, like many other women, have come to understand that relationships, whether romantic or platonic, is a partnership. A man and woman who have consented to come together and offering their love, time and devotion 50/50.

As aforementioned, an independent mindset is one that is key to finding true happiness, because when you know who you are and remain steadfast in your endeavors, you are less likely to be manipulated or end up settling. As working women, we are backed against the wall when it comes to accepting promotions, promoting feminism and challenging our male counterparts. More women are graduating from college, earning higher diplomas, earning higher salaries, becoming CEOs and overall building more success in fields requiring brains rather than brawn. Men, for whatever reason, have come to feel threatened by this. The woman with a high income does not need me, therefore, I should find a woman with no ambition and a substantially lower income to offset the power struggle.

As Bishop T.D. Jakes once said, “A man is not looking for a woman with a whole lot of debt.” Bishop, ah, dear, Bishop, a man is not looking for a whole lot of things. However, women are not looking for this either. The difference is, for the right man, a woman will become a whole nurturing fool! Yes, I said it. We become fools if the D is good and the face is pretty, and we will even become the BIWC — Bank of an Independent Woman Clown. An independent woman, because the monetary value is so significant we fall into two categories: sugar mama or stupid h*. We become so desperate for love that we begin settling for Netflix and chill to not seem “bougie” (stupid h*), or we become so nurturing that when our men are in debt, we offer to help them out financially because we do not want to risk the thought of him seeking assistance elsewhere, or being called mean or stingy (sugar mama).

So, what does this all mean for the independent woman?

Simply put, we have to know our worth and then add tax — choosing the right man to stand alongside us, encourage us, assisting us in our day to day. Also ladies, we have to let a man be a man. Now, I did not say let a boy be a boy. I will elaborate on that later.

Steve Harvey wrote the bestselling book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Why did this book fly off the shelves? Because more and more women are falling victim to letting a boy be a boy who she wants to be a man, therefore, she will squander hundreds of dollars trying to get into that boys’ mind, rather than strengthening her own while adding value to a man's mind.

What women fail to realize is that by acting like a lady, you will attract a man. The problem is, the men we attract, we do not want. And then, here comes the rise of the f**k boys. Women created them. Yes, I said it! We created these man-boys and then we complain about their existence. Women are being brainwashed into believing that if we behave and think like a man, we will attract the men we want. This is buffoonery. You are asking us to re-design our entire chemical balance to fit the need of a man, placing his need for comfort substantially higher than our need for love and protection.

Want to attract a man? Don’t talk too much, be his best friend and be cool. Want to get a man to stay faithful? Have sex with him when he wants, however many times he wants, and give random fellatio. Girl, he will marry you. And don’t forget the sandwiches!

I hope you sense my sarcasm.

Not to mention we have to eat properly, workout and do crunches on the delivery table once the baby slides out for that snapback, ladies!

Nonsense.

Here is the truth that no one wants you to know because the man-boy saga needs to continue to reign: If a woman is not comfortable on her own, in love with herself, dieting and exercising for her own benefit and independently a tranquil individual who enjoys performing fellatio, doing it all for a man, or even a boy, will not matter. This is what is called an independent mindset.

You do not need books to teach you how to be a good woman, or a puppet to a boy. What you need is a slap upside your head for even thinking that you have to change who you are solely for the benefit of finding and keeping a man. You need to find and keep yourself. That is what is called self-love. Man-boys are on the rise because too many women are so in love with having a man that she is not in love with having herself. She is not enough and until you become enough, no amount of men or relationships is going to fix that.

The body of a woman is art. We are sculpted in a way that whether natural or manipulated is what men have come to crave and desire. The kitty-kat is power. Owning your kitty and taking care of your kitty is what life is all about. Notice, I did not say to put a price tag on the kitty; that is just being a gold-digger. What I am stating is that taking ownership of our bodies, our curves and Ms. Kitty is the ultimate step towards mastering the independent body.

No need to hide those stretch marks or cover your face during sex. Embrace your true self and the body in which God has either given to you, or you have worked diligently to possess. We are the prize! A good man is not hard to find when you have an independent body, self-confidence, self-love and an independent mindset.

Ladies, we have to grow up. We have to learn that if there is a man who is incapable of accepting us and our success, then he's simply not happy with where he is in life and he needs more time. Do not give him yours! Allow him this time to grow and manifest into the man he wants to be, the man he is happy to be and, sadly enough, you may not be the woman he will end up spending the rest of his life with once his journey for self-actualization is complete. And that is OK.

I hate to say this, but too many women are settling for a build-a-man in hopes that they will end up with Mr. ThisIsWhoIWant. Let a man be a man, allow that man his freedom to roam the plains, stay home and watch Netflix, take the subway and at age 35 continue to live with his mother. Because let’s face it, if the moment he met you he did not realize that those circumstances had to change and he did not decide to make a genuine effort to change them, then you, my friend, will be an enabler and eventually have your heart broken.

The independent woman is not only about having your own, succeeding on your own or even being able to survive on your own, but the independent woman is also the woman who can recognize her worth and then add tax. She can love herself and be who she is daily with no regret.

If you do not like your attitude, then change it, but do it for yourself. If you do not like your body, then change it, but do it for yourself. If you not like your hair, then change it, but do it for yourself.

If we are doing anything just for the approval of others, especially a man, then we are not independent, we are still a part of the problem.

Jnstephe07

Writing since May 2019 · 1 story contributed