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“Who can I run to?”
— Xscape
Where do we go when we've been hurt? Who do we lean on? What do we listen to? Who do we listen to? When the future seems bleak and the memories of the past are all we can focus on, what do we do?
What I'm asking is, what happens when a Black man is heartbroken?
Unless you're one of the few lucky ones, you've been hurt by someone you thought was going to be your forever. And being a heartbroken Black man will bring about another type of hurt. It’s a hurt that festers inside because we don't how to properly address it or heal from it.
One of many life lessons that we’re void of learning (such as financial responsibility) is how to properly deal with heartbreak. Many Black men hope the magic answer lies at the bottom of a liquor bottle or the last smoke of a blunt. A new sexual partner will solve it, right? Negative coping mechanisms are what a lot of Black men default to when searching for an end to their heartache. They are the only coping mechanisms many of us know exist.
Should we just "man up"? This is what we've been told when we displayed any type of emotion. But I believe that is exactly what's holding us back — a preconceived notion that displaying emotion is some sort of weakness or is feminine. We were taught to be tough all of our lives. For many Black men, being tough was a means of survival based on the areas we grew up in. Any signs of perceived weakness could heavily swing the pendulum of life or death.
What does it look like to show that we’ve been hurt by our former partner? Black society says it's weak. And not just the Black society that surrounds us, but the images and ideas that influence us. We fail to understand that we're a sponge soaking up knowledge everywhere, consciously and subconsciously. What we read and see on social media, words from our peer groups and music we listen to all play a part in our lack of proper emotional healing.
Imagine driving home from the gym (a positive way to relieve what has someone stressed) and you turn on the radio. Future's song, "Draco," comes on and all you hear is, "Rat-tat got a little kickback … You ain't never ever get your b***h back" on repeat. Naturally, you'll internalize that message, and that runner's high you were on from working out is now gone.
You see what we deem as happy couples on our Instagram feed and think back to how that could've been you. Now you’re depressed, because we think everyone is happy and in love but us. We believe everything we see and relate it to our own personal lives, although our Instagram feeds are mostly but lies and deceit — a crystalized, cubic zirconia Fossil watch disguised as a buss down Rollie.
I could go on and on about the negative influences and coping mechanisms that consume us, but let's focus on solutions.
The short answer, but long-term solution, is a mixture of time and expression. Express what you're going through to your close ones. Whoever they may be, confide in them. We scream about having "day ones," but should we really hold them to a high standard if we can't talk to them when we need them the most? We sit around and talk to them all day when it comes to dating and sex, but are silent when it comes to being hurt by someone. Keep that same energy and talk about your emotions. Talk to your friends and bros, and let them in about the tough breakup you're experiencing.
Be aware that because of our lack of experience in opening up to one another, we may not receive the best of advice. But letting out those thoughts that have been keeping you captive will do wonders for your healing process.
Time. It all takes time. There is no timetable. There is no doctor-recommended four to six weeks healing period. Everyone is different. Everyone bounces back differently. It may take some Black men weeks and others months. The key is to know there is a light at the end of this dark, heartbroken tunnel. Stay the course. You have to make sure you stay on track by effectively letting out your emotions in a society that preaches against it for Black men.
Stop comparing your situation to others. Stop internalizing music from artists who don't even live the life they sing about. Stop indulging in vices hoping it'll help keep the problems away. And stop — I repeat — stop holding your emotions and feelings in.
I hate giving cliches, but I'm going to give you one here: The only one stopping you from healing after a heartbreak is you. Being a Black man in today's America breeds enough enemies, so don't be an enemy of yourself.
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Terrance Hobson is the author of 'The Heartbreak of a Black Man,' now available on Amazon.
