This week, Black Twitter was once again caught up in a conversation about the lengths to which women will go to get revenge on those who have wronged them in love. What the conversation revealed was the pervasiveness of a culture of dating that requires “by any means necessary” stance on maintaining monogamy.
We’ve all seen memes like this one.
We might have even chuckled at the simultaneous accuracy and absurdity of it all. After all, jealousy and anger are human emotions. They appear in all areas of our lives, including our relationships. For the most part we are able to recognize that acting on these emotions is toxic and brings little satisfaction to anyone involved. But many folks feel think rightfully entitled to throw them hands or enact other kinds of violence in the face of a perceived threat to their relationship. It’s misguided at best, fatal at worst.
Remember when Beyoncé released Flawless*** with the amazing intro from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s speech on feminism? Remember the part where she said: “We raise girls to see each other as competition. Not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men.” For some of us, competing for the attention of a potential bae does not stop when we get into a relationship. It begins there. Suddenly we’re engaging in possessive behavior that we would normally shun in friendships and other types of platonic relationships. We’re side eyeing other people, introducing interrogation tactics, going through phones, and tracking iPhones. We embrace “crazy” as a cool part of what it means to care in a relationship. Being a rider means reckless endangerment of our jobs, aspirations and other people. We hope our scare tactics will stop outsiders from infiltrating our love life.
Adichie’s line seems so relevant because what so many of us seem to be missing in adopting the “crazy” bae trope is that it, too, is rooted in oppressive ideology. By feeding into this idea, we are also subscribing to an ownership model of relationships that suggests that our partners belong to us, like personal property. We have a right to our belongings, and a right to defend them by any means necessary. Anyone else attempting to romantically engage our partners becomes a threat or enemy to us.
But here’s the thing, bae is a human being, not a house. Bae has free will and the capacity to exercise good judgement and make informed decisions. Bae doesn’t need defending. Bae needs to be held accountable. You shouldn’t be trying to “keep” bae like an antique. You should be trying to build an authentic relationship that enhances both of your lives. If bae betrays your trust, you have a right to be hurt, but no right to hurt anyone else. That’s not how the game works.
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