As a black man, masculinity implies respect, power and sex. Sexuality is key to hypermasculinity as it is a bragging right to prove to other men that they can have sex without hesitation or coming off as too desperate.

I struggled while watching the trailer for Trey Songz’s new faux reality dating show, Tremaine The Playboy. It comes out as the typical VH1 show where a black singer falsely searches for true love. They always ramble on and on about how women took advantage of their kind heart. The script gets old, but what’s funny is that the trailer is full of contradictions.

I was shocked to see that women were competing for his love, while the trailer brought up a random scene of Trey Songz and the women having an orgy. Then we spitefully see girls fighting each other.

It is not a clean-cut version of The Bachelor or a show of an honest black man searching for love, but let’s be realistic and actually mean it. Most importantly, why must Trey Songz’s sexuality be pushed to the public? We know it is for ratings, I am not trying to be a moral police officer, but I do want black men to make smarter decisions in dating.

It is a broken record in black male spaces and platforms to hear them discuss how women are too argumentative or they are chasing money rather than good character. If black men do not want to see black women demeaned in that manner, well let us put them in spaces where fighting is not tolerated or encouraged.

Overall, black men and boys understand the pressures in living up to their sexual stereotypes. They are afraid to be different or be themselves because they do not know or believe women will love them.

There are black men and there are some in the pro-black sphere who wish they had the same privileges as of white men. Unlike other races of men, black men are in a special class of their own. There is no black patriarchy similarly to other races of men, though there may be patriarchal black families in isolation, yet the enlarged black community does have a matriarchal structure.

Also, there is no such thing as ‘black male privilege,’ so often black men do not get the benefit of the doubt. In response, black men have mastered hyper-masculinity. With this, it offsets what white or other patriarchies have in their communities. A black man can shrug off not having things that white men are accustomed to such as under the table networking, gated community, secret societies and clubs, exploiting minorities, being a part of old money family,  having a judge reduce their jail sentence for being a first offender or being a so-called well-to-do-kid — but black men can brag on their effortlessly attempts in getting with women.

Granted, having a good ‘mouthpiece’ or social skills in talking to women is not a bad thing, all it matters is how it was done.

Yet, this societal norm was not given to us out of good will. Slave masters would use black men to breed traits, in order to form the perfect slave who will obey and have enough strength to carry the daily load. The ‘mandingo’ evolved centuries later to become the pimp and now presently to the player.

I see many black male celebrities use their status as dominance. Even though in high school and college, I saw this mentality being used as a privilege. Sometimes I would lie to my male friends that I was sexually active.

It was easier to talk down about other sex life of other men than my own. It was wrong for me to do, but I did not want to be on the receiving end of not being accepted by other black men. Granted, there are some who appreciate honesty and do not define you less than anything than your character, but, there needs to be more room for these types of conversions. What defines our masculinity and should we be more careful on how present it? 

This is an everyday thought in my mind. I have been in many black male groups on Facebook that focus on black relationships and respectability. Their masculinity is fragile because they want to be like the ballers and rappers that they despise because they would trade the loneliness to be somebody they are not.

Trey Songz is not a bad guy for his show, but as a black man, I am tired of seeing us being obsessed with sex from toxic and manipulated relationships that constantly fails in making ourselves happy.