Children need support, attention and validation in order to grow into healthy adults. If you were the scapegoat of your family, your formative years were corrupted with emotional and verbal abuse. This kind of indoctrination doesn’t just disappear when you leave the situation. It requires work, intentional focus and deliberate undoing to avoid living down to the expectations imposed upon you. Left untreated, scapegoats might act out in one or all of the following ways:
Self-sabotage
It can be hard to take yourself seriously when everyone around you has treated you like a loser. You might feel crippled by feelings of shame and guilt and negative self-talk. Many victims of scapegoating don’t feel deserving of good things. They can be their own worst enemy when it comes to undermining their own success.
Numbing
The adult scapegoat might come off hard and emotionless. Nothing could be further from truth, it’s just that expressing their feelings only invited harsher criticism in their childhood, so they adapted the ability to flip the switch and tune out the constant barrage of insults, negativity and put-downs. Unless they seek healthy ways of releasing their pain, it often manifests as physical ailments, addiction, anxiety, depression and/or obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
Bullying
Some scapegoats take on the role of bully. Like their victimizer, they can turn on the charm and charisma to disarm and manipulate while applying tactical precision to carefully steer and control their followers. They have perfected the art of strategically giving and withholding their coveted approval to command both admiration and fear. They draw their esteem from exploiting others and while they may seem confident, beneath their tough exterior lies a lot of pain and insecurity.
Victimhood
As much as you despised being belittled and talked down to, it’s all you know. Some scapegoats gravitate toward unhealthy relationships with abusive people. Their history of taking the blame for things that aren’t their fault make them easy prey for emotional manipulators. They seek love and approval in non-reciprocal relationships. If you find that you are the perpetual doormat of your relationships and friendships, it’s time to stand up for yourself and draw some boundaries. Recalibrate your perception of what acceptable treatment looks like – People who constantly insult you, walk all over you and talk to you crazy are not your friends.
Overachiever
You can’t just run the marathon, you have to sprint backwards while doing handstands. You are a perfectionist, driven and relentless toward your goals. Although this might look like the healthiest option, it’s important to examine what is fueling this drive. Why do you do what you do? Are you on a perpetual mission to prove your worth? Don’t burn yourself out. No amount of success can compensate for brokenness. Keep the drive but tweak the motive.
Follower
We hone a sense of identity early in life when given the autonomy to make mistakes and decisions in a safe environment. For the scapegoated child, normal mistakes were used as validation of their incompetence and decision-making skills were hampered by always being told what to do. They never got a chance to develop their own personality and establish independence. As a result, they have learned to distrust their ability to make good decisions. These situational chameleons lean on others for approval and validation, and may adopt the personality of those around them at any given moment.
So how do we break the cycle?
The good news is that you’re not doomed to a negative outcome. Many people go on to live full and healthy lives despite the emotional and verbal abuse that comes along with scapegoating. You are in control now. You get to decide what your life will look like from this point forward. Here are a few key steps to breaking the cycle of dysfunction:
1. Challenge yourself
It’s important to understand that your inner voice has been corrupted. Much of what you have come to believe about yourself is completely false. Confront your fears and start taking practical steps to dismantle these misconceptions. Start small. For instance, if you were told that you were clumsy and uncoordinated, try signing up for a team sport at the YMCA. When you get out of your head and focus on the mechanics of what you’re doing, you’ll be amazed to find how seriously unlimited you are. Keep challenging the lies you were fed, the more wins you get under your belt, the more you’ll begin to realize that their words were never true. It is only your belief that gives them power.
2. Find support
Whether it’s therapy, church or small groups of friends, you have to find a community of support. Your transition is going to take some time, there will be some angry, sad and depressing moments as you deconstruct your old self-image and begin building a healthy new one. It may be tempting in these moments to latch on to whoever is closest but choose carefully who you allow to stand with you. Exposing your vulnerability to the wrong person will do more harm than good.
3. Get away
It’s tough to tap into your potential around people who are committed to their small perception of you. If at all possible, get away from your environment. If this isn’t possible, find a mental escape or a happy place (a park, museum, church, the gym) where you can go to unplug, meditate and affirm yourself.
4. Explore
Your childhood and teen years are typically the time to experiment and discover who you are and what you like. If you never got the opportunity to explore your interests, take it now. Try new things, take on new hobbies. It’s never too late to figure yourself out.
5. Closure
Your scapegoater has gone to great lengths to avoid self-examination. They might never be able to acknowledge or sincerely apologize for their actions. Accept that you might have to brush it off and find closure within yourself.
6. Forgive
Whether or not your family dynamic ever changes, you are now free from it. Bitterness and resentment only hold you hostage and hinder your growth. Moving toward forgiveness is the key to your healing.
Don’t expect to walk through these steps perfectly. Make room for mistakes as you revisit old habits, do too much or too little. In those times that you really feel like giving up — keep moving forward. You’re allowed some clumsy missteps as you figure it out. You’re going to be fine. Everything you’ve experienced will come together to shape your purpose if you don’t give up!
