At this point in life, I have almost mastered the art of being single. Please note that I said single, not bitter. The two things are not synonymous. You can be single without being bitter about why it didn't work. After all, there is power in walking away from a relationship that no longer serves you well. Once you walk away, you're starting from scratch to get back into the dating game. Until you and bae swipe right on each other and get past 10 dates, you still have to live life while being single. Listen, I am no guru on how to master being single or how to master being in love or anything else of that nature. I can only speak from my personal (long-a$$) journey on how to live while being single. I may not know everything, but these truths listed below I do hold to be self-evident.
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For starters, don't get stuck! Not all endings are happy even if they are good. For some, when a relationship ends, they lose not one, but two people. They lost their lover and their best friend. That is a double shot to the heart. If you're not careful you can get stuck thinking about what went wrong. I hate to quote Iyanla but sometimes you have to, "Tell me where it hurts and where it works." Confront the pain of the breakup and find a way to communicate to yourself or tribe (if need be), exactly where this hurts and how it hurts. Write it out, cry it out, even sweat it out. Do whatever you have to do. Then start to focus on where it works. In essence, focus on what worked in the relationship that helped shape you into becoming a better person for YOU. I would hope that you worked towards becoming a better person for you and not for them. If not, here is your chance to take all that was great about you and pour that into yourself.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing called a relationship. A relationship that reached an unexpected end. From ashes to ashes and from dust to dust, we return this relationship to the pits of Tinder where it came from. Listen, I eulogize friendships that don't work, so I will eulogize a relationship. In law school, we are taught a concept in property law called the Rule Against Perpetuities. It's such a hard concept to learn that it's not tested on some state bars and is only one of the 200 questions on the Multistate Bar Exam. Nonetheless, we are taught that in order to get past this rule and be successful with determining who gets the property rights, we must "create, kill and count." Since then I have created a burial site in my head, killed off the person and then counted how many ways I am better off without them. Try it.
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I have an old-school, southern grandmother from York, South Carolina who taught me early on that before I could do right in a marriage I needed to learn how to do right by myself. She encouraged me to try falling in love with myself first. Because of her, I know how I liked to be loved based on the way that I love myself. I know that I want a love that pleads no excuse of impossibility and doesn't treat me as an option but the only choice. Why? Because I don't believe anything is impossible for me (other than getting an inheritance like Blue Ivy) and I treat myself like a Grade-A choice. If you practice perfecting how you treat yourself, the next time someone shows up with excuses on why they can't love you right, you'll be able to open the exit door rather quickly.
Being single isn't a curse it's a choice. There is somebody for everybody. The conscious decision to accept nothing less than what you deserve is ok. As soon as some women hit 30, people question why they're single as if it's a curse to be so. I'd rather be single than be sentenced to a jail term for having to hurt a member of the creep squad who played with my credit and career like Peter Gunz did his baby mamas.
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Get a good tribe that helps you on your quest. You need people who will love you enough not to judge you or shame game you. There is no shame in being single. Besides, who else are you going to share that bottle of wine with or shots of Henny? Plus, having some friends who are single in your tribe just like you will give you space to not only vent but to laugh at the bad choices you made using Soul Swipe.
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You don't need an extravagant bucket list to get ish done. Try making a bucket list of things you can do for the year, not just in life. Work on knocking those things off the list. The time and energy you put into skydiving or traveling alone to another country may actually do you some good. I for one have put learning how to play the drums and becoming a photographer on my list. Make a list and start making new memories. This has been the only way I have been able to survive…and online shopping.
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There isn't a formula on how to live single. As a matter of fact, if you focus on how to live while being single, you aren't really living. The most important thing is living a happy and prosperous life. Focus on flourishing and not on finding the next thing to call bae. You never know, you just may meet bae while you're learning how to play the drums at Guitar Center (fingers crossed!).
Photo: Charm Ladonna
