By now you’ve scrolled through your TL on Twitter and saw hashtag #HurtBae or attempted to sit through all 6 minutes of Kourtney Jorge and her ex-Leonard, — well, mostly Kourtney — asking her ex the tough questions. In short, Scene’s video is emotionally taxing for anyone who has ever been in a relationship/situation, been cheated on or felt the tears and awkward tissue moments during the video. Finding the outpouring of emotion on your TL was easy, but another deep dive into comments and RTs meant plenty of other conversations about monogamy and relationships as we know it.
The saying goes “men ain’t sh*t,” but where is the truth in all of it (or for many us on Twitter, where is the lie)? Is monogamy a fool’s errand? Not just because of stereotypes about men, but in our dating culture. We are a dating culture of swipes and connecting on social; Many of us are used to connecting with multiple people with ease and "exploring our options."
On the other hand, for anyone hurt over #HurtBae, you could find another post on #WeMetOnTwitter. It isn’t earth-shattering to note that there are two sides; Black love isn’t an anomaly and neither is a dysfunctional or unhealthy relationship. However, #HurtBae makes it clear that our idea of what makes a healthy relationship an “alternative fact.”
Twitter user @_zolarmoon presented another argument for many of us who were angry for #HurtBae:
While some took offense, she brings up a valid point: Why is it still taboo to “love and let love”? Many of us know married couples, and people together that are just that, together. What Muva moon (@_zolarmoon) points out is how our idea of what a relationship should start by talking honestly about what you and your partner want. Period. What #HurtBae does is remind us that in society, many of us might have a more static approach to relationships that’s hurting us, regardless of if we want monogamy or not.
But can we knock the angry responses on Black Twitter? Even in media, you’re hard pressed to find a polyamorous or open relationship that isn’t unhealthy or a part of a TLC special being projected as “unique.” It’s bad enough we have great female black lead characters in so called “monogamous” relationships on major television networks who can’t seem to find partners who won’t piss us off every other episode ( i.e. Olivia Pope, Mary Jane and Charlie Bordelon). Yes, we know that TV isn’t reality, but media plays a part in the socialization and recycling of ideas.
We are just now just really starting to see same-sex couples being intimate on mainstream television (Thank you, Shonda Rhimes), but it also seems we are a ways from viewing open/polyamorous relationships as “OK.” Again, healthy black love isn’t an anomaly, but representations of variations of those relationships matters. Author Daniel Bergner in his book “ What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” found that we are taught different ideas about sexuality from birth. Duh, right? But what’s even more interesting is a German study that cited how monogamy long-term often kills a woman’s sex drive. So maybe women like Muva Moon aren’t just here to shake things up. Maybe, as a community, we have to come to terms with redefining what a healthy relationship should be (even if we are team #HurtBae).
