Sistering seeks speaking. Even when it is many months between our conversations.

Like any other relationship, the connection between friends doesn’t grow stronger miraculously, it has to be nurtured.

At one point early on in the pandemic, I felt like I was killing it with my communication with friends. I had regular calls and texts and even a couple game nights, and I felt a maintained connection with those that mattered to me. But at some point, while battling work and family stress and watching the orchestrated chaos of COVID and racial injustice unfold, I hit a slump. A crisis isn’t the time to emotionally distance, but that’s what I did because I didn’t have the same energy to present as the faithful optimist I usually am. I allowed my natural introversion to mutate into reclusiveness, and it only made me sadder.

So often we talk about “doing the work” in our relationships. I’ve found that performing that kind of labor, in a healthy way with fruitful results, often begins with self. I had to evaluate why I felt the need to put up a front around people who I claimed to feel close to in the first place. Practicing vulnerability became the key to honoring my own feelings and staying connected, and without it, I wouldn’t have known how many of my friends were feeling the same way and could probably benefit from a close circle now more than ever.

Healthy friendships aren’t free of emotional labor, but I think that if the work ethic is mutual, we’re bound to reap the reward of a better understanding of those we love. Sometimes that looks like initiating a potentially uncomfortable conversation about expectations and boundaries for friendship. Sometimes, it’s resolving to be happy for her while acknowledging the anxiousness of not having much figured out for yourself. Sometimes, it’s preventing confusion by asking the explicit question: how can I support you?

The other day I told one of my chosen sisters I didn’t have the energy for a game night we scheduled. She wasn’t feeling it either and suggested a movie night — something low-energy intensive and low maintenance, which allowed me to keep a commitment to spend time with people I care about. It’s honest communication, flexibility, trust and vulnerability that can make all the difference.

chosen family

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