Since 2001, rapper Clifford "T.I." Harris Jr. and former Xscape member Tameka “Tiny” Cottle have been in a high-profile relationship that has had its rollercoaster of ups and downs projected onto the tabloids and TV screens.
Most notably, the couple has become best known for their six-year-long reality TV show on VH1, T.I. & Tiny: The Family Hustle, which follows the life of one of hip-hop’s most popular pairs, and the family they strive to raise.
Through the show, we have seen T.I. and Tiny’s ability to love their partner’s children (from previous relationships) as their own, to lean on each other during the loss of a stillborn child and to unite by supporting each other’s goals with album production, music group management and educational achievements.
For a while, the grapevine has been buzzing with speculation that the idolized couple would be divorcing. The rumors have proven to be true through Tiny’s action of filing for divorce in December 2016, after six years of marriage.
Despite the feelings many fans have of wishing them to remain together, the twosome have spoken publicly about the reasons why the decision to split is in the best interest of everyone.
In a sneak peek for the season premiere of the upcoming final season of their family's reality show, Tiny talks with her friend Toya Wright (the former wife of rapper Lil Wayne). Tiny shares how the lack of trust, as well as the gossip and rumors in the media, serve as contributing reasons for her need to divorce.
She questions, “There’s no doubt that TIP loves his kids, but I ask myself—is that enough?”
Toya shares her perspective on T.I. and Tiny’s relationship by expressing how she sees the two having a natural friendship, in which Tiny responds by acknowledging their need to build that friendship back up.
On the other hand, T.I. shared his two cents about the couple’s split in a recent interview with radio personality Angie Martinez. He echoes the duo’s shared view that they are still best friends who spend time with each other and come together to love their family, regardless of their situation.
However, the ever-so-deep orator delivers a dagger to the aggravated hearts of women everywhere as he states, “I can just be a better best friend than a husband.”
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Furthermore, he shares his current mission to take his family’s legacy to another level while recognizing there are people, places and things that will help him get there, as well as the same three factors in place that will distract him from getting there. Eventually, he explains, “It just seems to me like marriage and what marriage means and what marriage does—it’s just one of those things that will distract and deter me.”
After all these years together, it serves as quite a shock for such thoughts to suddenly come to the surface. In the interview, it is even more surprising that although he's the patriarch of the family, he proclaims, "I just have a purpose and I just don't always have the time to do the thoughtful and considerate things that a husband should do." As outside listeners, we all naturally feel inclined to wonder if he didn't fully understand the importance and requirement of fulfilling those traits of a husband when he vowed to marry Tiny in the first place. Despite the drama and weight associated with the current state of their relationship, we can learn a valuable life lesson from T.I. & Tiny: It is important for two partners to equally work together in keeping the flame of friendship lit so that their relationship reaps the many benefits.
Whether you hope to marry one day or not, the majority of us wish to find a soul mate who we can love and be with for a lifetime. With this natural desire in mind, think about the kind of person you dream of being in a relationship with that you could only hope for. When most people visualize that person, we see our best friend. However, this best friend is that man or woman who you connect with on a friend level, but also even deeper from a romantic standpoint.
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Although not restricted to just our community, black people have found ourselves at a loss for words when it comes to answering the question of why divorce is so prevalent in our households. We ransack our minds trying to come up with quality reasons. Not enough time spent dating, marrying too soon, financial struggles, infidelity, distrust, traumatic experiences, lack of spiritual foundation, subpar communication, and ultimately—just plain ol’ irreconcilable differences.
In light of the recent comments shared by T.I. and Tiny, one of the most overlooked reasons for separation and divorce is the natural tendency for those in relationships to lose sight of their friendship first.
Everyone is familiar with the token “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.” Except, we need to take it a step further by recognizing that you also can’t love someone if you can’t be his or her friend.
I believe that T.I.’s controversial view of marriage being a distraction has some credit to it. He somehow believes that everything marriage consists of will distract him from the important goals associated with the success of his family. Instead, I think that some elements of a relationship or marriage can tend to distract you from maintaining the friendship you have with your partner.
The journey two people take to marry typically consists of several milestones which include (but aren’t limited to), becoming friends, transitioning to best friends, courting and dating, bringing family into the fold, enduring trials and tribulations, having honest conversations about life-long companionship, engagement and then marriage.
Sadly, after the marriage is when the focus on friendship slowly begins to diminish, and can often be replaced with more pressing priorities associated with the union. After you marry, you jump into living together, purchasing a home, having children, adjusting to conjoined finances, changing professional or personal pursuits and making continuous sacrifices.
As a result of all these phases, it cannot be much of a surprise that two people can lose track of their need to love each other as friends first and partners second. However, doing so requires an actual realization of this necessity and a genuine desire to do your part to contribute.
So how do you continue fostering friendship in a life of love?
Well, there is no supreme answer, but there are four steps I have created from personal and observed experience called “The Four R’s” that can be taken in the right direction.
1. Remember your core.
Discover ways to remind yourself of why you initially admired the friendship you built with your partner and how you have grown to cherish it over time. Finding reminders that work for you will lead you to internalizing the passion you have for your partner, from the standpoint of a friend who only wants the best for the other.
2. Reminisce about your romantic motivations.
Take time to think back to what motivated you to want to take the friendship with your partner to the next level. Reflect on how much you loved their commitment to surprising you, motivating you to succeed as a result of their ambitions, exposing you to new things in life, supporting you during the good and bad times or accepting you for all of your imperfections, to name a few.
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3. Recognize how life has changed for you both.
During the years together, partners tend to experience countless individual and mutual life transformations which all fall into the buckets of personal, professional or spiritual change. However, partners have the knack to not communicate well enough about how they have both grown to be vastly different from the person they once were years ago. Acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with these differences, but see that recognizing them is an essential step in moving forward.
4. Regroup together so you can decide how to find your friend again.
A relationship can only remain fruitful if two people on the same page possess the same willingness to overcome the valleys in order to reach the mountaintops. Be intentional about conversations with your partner regarding the various habits you two can establish in order to keep aspects of your initial friendship alive. Some examples are investing more in church and faith, going out on more dates, asking each other’s thoughts on everyday topics, taking road trips, watching shows and movies together, sharing likes and dislikes, reading and discussing books and the numerous other options that tend to produce happiness.
By following “The Four R’s”, you can begin to share the focus between the myriad of obligations and hurdles that result from marriage with the beautiful foundation of friendship that your relationship was built upon.
All in all, of course the comments and perspectives shared by T.I. and Tiny sparked a nerve or caused us to question their values and beliefs in marriage. But more importantly, their real-life circumstance serves as a reminder of how black couples truly need to love one another as a partner second, and as a friend first, in order to have a better chance at marital bliss.
In his own words from the intro of his hit single “’Live Your Life” featuring Rihanna: “Stop looking at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got.”
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