Addiction sucks. No, really. Being completely obsessed with a substance while having absolutely no mind control over it SUCKS. Now that I’ve stated the obvious, can you imagine being in a marriage with a partner who is suffering from addiction? Not your idea of a fantasy, right? However, here’s the deal: according to The National Survey On Drug Use And Health, about 12 million Americans are in a marriage that is currently being affected by substance abuse. Unfortunately, often, these marriages end in divorce. Once the pressure of the addiction cycle finally sets in, usually the relationship, finances, and living circumstances are all shot.

So, the question is: Is a relationship with an addict worth salvaging? Let’s go a little deeper. Being with an addict requires a tremendous amount of patience, commitment and unconditional love. Without those, it’s probably best to draw up the divorce papers and cut your losses. Although, if you have a yearning to assist your partner in the difficult road to recovery, then guess what? There is a glimmer of hope. Realistically, if your marriage can overcome the horrific offset that accompanies addiction, the aftermath can be extremely rewarding.

First Things First. Allow me to explain.

Supposedly, the first step should be to plan an entire intervention session for the addict. As a woman of color, a recovering alcoholic and a wife, I’ve become extremely familiar with “interventions.” While gathering the family and friends together for a hardcore “talk” about changing addictive behavior might benefit some, it surely didn’t benefit me. My nonchalant attitude and stubbornness prevented me from listening to any reasoning, especially from a group of people who didn’t understand what I was going through. Therefore, we would cycle through talking, interventions, and then more interventions. In my experience, the most effective method to communicate with an addicted spouse that they have a problem is through a one-on-one encounter. Keep in mind, accusing can raise defenses and blame can cause the addict to shut down. Coming to your partner in a loving manner can yield far more positive results than a bashing session.

But why can’t you Just Stop? Isn’t our marriage worth more than (insert the substance of choice here)?

Honestly, this is a million-dollar question. When the body is in a sick withdrawal spell, who cares about, well, anything? This is the point of no return. Your spouse has gotten to the point where they need their substance of choice just to normalize the body. The reality is if your addicted partner could stop, they would. You must accept that addiction is a disease that affects not only the body, but plays trickery on the mind. In lieu of this acceptance, you’ll also have to come to grips with the fact that treatment may be the best option for your partner. There are times, in the African American community, where treatment centers and rehab can be considered taboo due to the stigma that comes along with the concept. Therefore, you become afraid to encounter the embarrassment of admitting your partner is in treatment. The gossip and the overall judgment, I get it. It can be rough. But in these instances, you must decide to put aside certain cultural ideologies and focus on the wellbeing of your partner. Treatment can prove to be a vital component in the road to recovery. As looked down upon as some may make it appear to be, your partner going to rehab is them having the courage to take the first step.

The Hard Part

So, what happens when talking and rehab just doesn’t work? Well, you may be faced with the inevitable which is letting your spouse hit rock bottom. This means taking your hands completely off the situation and allowing them to get to the point where they realize that they need to get the help for them! By removing yourself from the equation, your addicted partner will have no choice but to find their deeper strength within. Now, this process can be short, or it can be extremely lengthy. Your only job in these circumstances is to continue to love your partner, but from a distance. For the time being, it might be beneficial to attend support groups such as Al-anon to gather a deeper understanding of the addiction cycle.

Marriage Is A Lifetime Commitment. Addiction Is a Lifelong disease.

It’s a glorious occasion when the addicted partner reaches the point of complete sobriety, isn’t it? While complete sobriety is possible, the recovered addict will spend a lifetime battling to overcome the urge to use. It is doable; however, one must have the proper support system and the necessary tools to continue the path of recovery. Keep in mind, overcoming addiction is a process, not perfection. Your spouse may need several interventions, many trips to rehab and an uncountable amount of rock bottoms. Then, suddenly, it’ll just click. The obsession is gone. It’s been replaced by a newfound love for dreams, life and aspirations. This is where it gets rewarding.

Overcoming addiction is hard. Therefore, when your partner emerges from the addictive cycle, they usually are stronger and more passionate about life’s outlook. Most of the time, they also have a magnificent story they use to inspire others.