Social media is an interesting landscape, each platform different than the next. Instagram is a special place, where you can (and will) encounter a bevy of personalities. Here are the people you’re likely to come across on the ‘gram.
‘Slide in the DMs’ Roger
We all know this guy. He’s the one you’ll encounter that may or may not have a girlfriend. That information is so ambiguous because he introduces every woman as “his queen.” He’s also the one that calls you a bitter, broken b**** when you reject his advances in your inbox. He clearly hasn’t gone to DM training. GO HOME, ROGER!
‘Complicated (and hella public) Relationship’ Keisha
She posts pictures of them eating, brushing their teeth together, driving to counseling with the church pastor, getting drunk in the club, visiting her mama, stopping at the gas station on the way home. They are so in love. Then, she deletes all the pictures and posts a video of herself dancing to “Sorry,” and the caption reads, “Never needed no man to define my greatness. #IAintThinkinBoutYOU” The next day another, less enthusiastic video appears about how she needs to take time for herself and is getting off all social media. A day with no posts. Rinse. Repeat.
‘Newly-conscious’ Clancy
Clancy was the knucklehead you knew in high school. He was always getting into trouble, fighting, ditching classes, and you didn’t know what would happen to him, but you hoped he’d turn out okay. He’s now resurfaced, followed you on the ‘gram, and keeps inboxing you about his GoFundMe to raise money for a plot of community land to build underground bomb shelters for the people. He’s also selling what he calls “The Woke Basket,” which includes two pounds of kale, some incense, a yard of kente cloth, and one video from the Roots collection.
‘Pseudo-conscious (and actually misogynistic)’ Carl
He’s annoying. He’s constantly kicking (mis)information, and “sneak” flirting with you. When you rebuff his advances, he says that he couldn’t help himself. It’s “the nature of a man.” He suggests you dress more respectably. An encounter with him makes you feel as though you need a shower. You block him. BOY, BYE.
‘Dictionary for Dummies’ Donte
T.I. is his linguistic hero. His posts are nonsensical and mostly use words in the wrong context. He tries to sound deep in his videos, but they’re more comedy than anything. He clearly loves thesaurus.com, but he doesn’t know the difference between their, there and they’re.
‘Modeling Career’ Melinda
There’s nothing wrong with having “booking” in your bio, it’s just that she’s never been booked and still uses Yahoo email. She’s your girl, but she’s thinks her looks and scantily clad social media bathroom pics will get her discovered. You want to unfollow her, but she’s always asking if you saw how Drake liked her last photo, and you don’t like lying.
‘Entrepreneur (Read: Pyramid Scheme)’ Earl
Every encounter with Earl will be different, meaning the “business” he’s pushing will be different. The model will be the same. He gave somebody money at some point to coach him on selling some product. Now he can coach you if you give him some money, and you can eventually become a coach when you recruit your “team.” Someone taught him the term “cooperative economics,” which he now uses to try to appeal to your community sensibilities. You wish Earl good luck and then block him.
‘Saved, Sanctified (and still sliding in the DMs)’ Sam
He’s been your church deacon since you were 16, and this year he convinced his niece to teach him how to use Instagram. He’s in your DMs talking about his problems with sister Pearly-Mae, and telling you how well you’ve grown up. You take a screenshot and text Pearly-Mae, who made you a poundcake for every childhood birthday and used to occasionally slide you a twenty dollar bill to help you out in your broke college days.
‘Look at me, I workout’ Walter
This guy lives at the gym. His instagram is solely dedicated to photos in the mirror at the gym or drinking a smoothie at the juice bar in the gym. He doesn’t feel he needs to slide in the DMs. All these pecks should have the ladies flocking, right? Nah, bruh. We’re all set.
‘Petty’ Patricia
Patricia is successful and seems to have it all on the surface, but always has something slick to say on your photos and stays sneak-dissing everyone else. She slides in your DMs to gossip about how your mutual friends need to get their lives together, how she’s tired of hanging around losers, and wraps it all up with “But not you, though, girl. We cool.” MMMHMMM. You constantly serve her some serious side eye.
‘Try not to double-tap’ Tammy
You don’t really encounter her, but you know she’s there. This is your mama’s younger sister whose life is always in turmoil, has called your mama to bail her out at every turn, but then looks for something negative to say about your mama at the next family bbq. So, she’s scrolling through your entire Instagram history looking for something juicy and trying to be careful not to double tap. The best she can come up with is that you’re “still in school.” Translation: you’ve gone to graduate school to get your MBA. Sorry, Aunt Tammy… foiled again.
